Self-Devpt. Nuggets™

We are often told, as kids, to be respectful/obedient to older others. In some cultures, however, the indoctrination goes deeper, such that youths become adults unable to challenge “bad behaviour” by older persons or bosses.

This article offers insights anyone can follow to overcome such a limitation – including 6 tips on what to do, and 3 benefits to expect.

I have however found that it is best to always enquire “to whom” I should be respectful and obedient, to what extent, and for how long – and WHY.

As much as possible I try to do this without showing disrespect to those I ask, but I never let fear of reproach keep me from getting a satisfactory answer.

Here’s a question to ponder: Would it make sense – and be in your best interest – for you to CONTINUE being respectful and obedient to a boss, parent, or other adult who REPEATEDLY deliberately puts you down, or even abuses you?

Are you for instance likely to have a successful career in a company where your boss connives with your colleague (who is his tribesman) to take credit for most of your creative input which help the department meet challenging targets that others miss?

You don’t want to rock the boat or cause any trouble. But they don’t seem to mind causing you pain by denying you long overdue recognition. (In fact they sometimes go as far as “setting you up” to take the fall for things that go wrong in the department!).

Do you think they will ever stop if you don’t take them up on their bad habits? I doubt it.

People who are small enough in their thinking to knowingly maltreat others are not likely to stop except they know there will be repercussions.

If you won’t consider making a change for your direct benefit, at least think of how you can use the ideas offered here to EMPOWER your child to deal with bullies and their likes that s/he WILL meet in life.

Imagine your child finds him/herself being bullied repeatedly in his/her new boarding school, even after reporting to senior students and teachers?

Will s/he put an end to it, by acting timid, submissive or subservient before those who torment him/her?

Not likely.

Will getting into fights with the bullies make any difference?

Maybe, but that would depend on how well s/he can fight, but ultimately, the cost/repercussions of violence may not be worth it.

A more intelligent approach would be for him/her to learn how to CONFRONT people who misbehave without being COMBATIVE.

In other words, s/he would master the skills needed to tactfully but firmly challenge others who behave badly in a manner that ensures they CORRECT their “bad” behaviour then/there, and into the future.

The sad reality however is that a lot of people dread having to confront others. Too many assume confronting others implies being combative or worse, being violent. It does not necessarily follow.

Here are 6 tips you can follow to successfully CONFRONT without being COMBATIVE:

1. You do need not to be aggressive or combative to get taken seriously.

Instead, simply learn to learn to assert yourself e.g. many times if you are simply NOT “shy” about telling people what you will NOT accept from them, they will respect you for it.

2. You must master your fear.

There is a useful quote I read somewhere that goes as follows:

“Courage is mastery of fear, not the absence of fear” – Mark Twain

Allowing fear to consume you to the point that you let others intimidate you into accepting their unjust/unfair treatment of you will lead many times to your having very “unhappy” relationships – at work and elsewhere.

Remember: THAT which you fear the most will eventually consume you.

So, conquer your fears – learn to speak your mind about HOW you FEEL to those who make you unhappy – but do so tactfully such that no one will be able to accuse you of being emotional or combative.

3. Stop thinking everyone needs to like you.

It makes no sense to want to be liked by people who do not wish you well or who will not treat you with respect and consideration. Remember, as great as Martin Luther King Jnr. was, some people did not like him, and felt strongly enough to kill him. Same for Jesus Christ, Mahatma Ghandi…all advocates of non-violence!

Do you REALLY think you are going to be different. Answer is NO – except of course you choose to become a “hypocrite” or “Social Chameleon” who tells people what s/he thinks they want to hear, and not what s/he really thinks. In which case, the ideas discussed in this article would be irrelevant to you.

4. Learn to ask questions.

You can use intelligent questioning to demonstrate why those you wish to correct need to change their ways. When people know you are going to ask them questions that expose their bad intentions, they are likely to avoid acting that way often – especially where you are concerned.

Examples of questioning styles you can use: “Why did you just say that to me?” or “Is there any reason why you asked XYZ to go for the audition from this department when both of us applied with similar qualifications – and could have been given the chance to contest for the available slot?”.

5. Build A Reputation

Sometimes making a point of doing what you do WELL every time and being committed/reliable in whatever you are engaged in can make it more difficult for others to try to make you look bad. So, if you make up your mind to show yourself to be consistently up and doing, without playing to the gallery, it could help you build a loyal following among a large number of people who watch from the sidelines – who will feel more inclined to treat you with fairly, rather than let themselves be influenced to do the opposite.

6. Act the fool.

At the end of the day, you will find that no matter what you do, some people live to upset others. From what I have seen in my adult life, if they cannot malign/mal-treat others, they never really feel “happy” with themselves. So trying to make them stop never really achieves any permanent benefits. In this case, one would be better off – in my opinion – choosing to act the fool with this type of people.

Here’s one suggestion: When they do their naughty acts, prepare to mock them in return

For instance, if someone chooses to talk loudly in front of your visiting friends about one of your “highlight workplace career mistakes”, you can take it in your stride by choosing to THANK him/her for “helping you remember THAT interesting experience you would like to share”.

Then make a point of describing the details of one of those mistakes in as humorous a manner as you can, making sure to end by explaining how that incident helped you gain additional competence to do your job (which is what always happens in real life).

By acting in this manner, you are likely to end up looking good via an opportunity created by your “tormentor” – the exact opposite of what s/he intended! Believe me, very many of those who misbehave in the ways discussed in this article, cannot endure being mocked. They are very likely to avoid crossing you in future, you when they discover you repeatedly demonstrate the ability to match them in the manner I suggest.

Three (3) Benefits You Can Expect To Reap by Confronting Without Being Combative

The truth about the kinds of people I have described in this article is that they often get their boldness from the (mistaken) assumption that others will be afraid to challenge them. By doing just that, even if you are unable to stop them, you achieve – at least – three benefits:

1. You put FEAR/DOUBT into his/her mind that that he can get away with treating you like that next time. This will make him/her think twice in future before crossing your path again.

2. Your action can give others useful confidence boosting evidence that it is not impossible to stand up to such persons if one goes about it the right way. Some may decide to follow your example if/when they find themselves faced with a similar predicament.

3. You could end up building a silent followership that over time may grow to a point where others will be willing to JOIN forces with you – as a group – to resist the advances of these “bullies” and their likes, on weaker members of the society.

In summary, you can – and should – learn to assert yourself in your relationships

You do not have to let others push you around just because you don’t want to upset them.

Remember: If they are upsetting you, or some other defenseless person, then they need to be TOLD to stop it.

You must be prepared to consider the possibility that they they do not know or refuse to be bothered. Either way, if YOU don’t take action, they may not stop. Keeping quiet and waiting for someone else to do it for you will often lead to needlessly prolonged suffering on your part.

You deserve better than that!

PS: This article is based on a piece originally published on 5th May 2008 as Issue No. 26 of my (now defunct) Self-Development Nuggets Newsletter

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