Self-Devpt. Nuggets™

I’m playing devil’s advocate here. But with good reason. You see I gave my father and mother parenting nightmares as a teenager. In fact, I started from when I was ten.

Then I went right on till I clocked sixteen – when I committed my most sensationally bad act in school, as a school prefect! All to the unending embarrassment of my sibling, who was in the same school with me, and my frustrated parents.

[NB:I’d planned to auto schedule this post to appear on Friday, in line with the normal schedule, but I’m getting an error message. Since I’m travelling, I’ve decided to publish now as connectivity is not too reliable where I’m headed.]

Thankfully, you should be able to gather, from reading this article and others here on my blog, that I found a way to redeem myself

Today, I live a very purpose driven life, which simply has no room for trivialities. I am on a mission to be the best I can be, in a way that will benefit all that come into direct or indirect contact with me.

If I Had Not Been Naughty in My Teenage Years, I’m Not Sure I Would Be This Strong Today

I gained admission to the university at the age of 17, and by then I’d taken a personal vow to stop giving my family grief. Up till that period I kept having all sorts of flashbacks over my short past life. I’d done many silly things, gotten caught and punished, then done more, gotten caught…in a continuous cycle!

At no time did my getting into trouble ever feel good. But most times when I was running around with my bad friends, secretly doing things, I knew I ought not to be doing, I felt wonderful!

It’s like those who take drugs to get on a high.

Some of us simply need something to get us high. And if no one provides us a legitimate outlet, we create one or more for ourselves. Teenagers need excitement – something to challenge them. And that’s why they sometimes get into trouble.

Looking back, I realise my teenage experiences – especially the mistakes I made, have served as useful instructors in my adult life.

If I had not had them, it’s likely I would not have arrived adulthood as prepared as I was, to deal with “temptations” I’ve overcome over the years.

In other words, I am strong today, because I used to be weak, and fell often as a result. But I got back up, each time and learnt my lessons.

Do NOT Lose Hope In Your “Naughty Teenager“

The above is why I personally would be worried about a child that never gets into trouble. S/he would give me less insight into what s/he’s capable of. At least that’s my opinion

For me, a teenager acting naughty (at least a little bit, every now and then) is a sign of a healthy child. One who has energies that s/he can be coached to channel to productive ends.

That’s what happened to me – but only because my parents did not give up on, or condemn me.

And that’s why I’m writing this article. You as a parent must never let your child feel you’ve lost hope in him/her. Even if s/he acts like s/he does not care.

The teen years are a transition period. Boys and girls go through unfamiliar (sometimes scary) physical and psychological transformations. Sometimes they may not have access to much help to understand what they’re passing through.

Make Yourself Available to Play That Role, If You Want Your Teenager to Turn Out Well.

Start early, BEFORE the teen years, to build a relationship with the child towards playing that role if/when the need arises.

For instance, teach him/her to NOT place too much value on material possessions. To avoid seeking to impress others with “things”. To appreciate that what s/he has in him/her is enough. To be self-reliant, and believe strongly in getting guidance from the creator.

Simply put, help him/her develop strength of character. Even when a person falls, that will help him/her recover. I say this based on personal experiences and observations: Think Tiger Woods for instance!

Your child’s naughty actions can give you insights into his/her natural interests, passions and possibly talents. Provide legitimate outlets for such needs you detect, at home or in a positive environment.

The idea here is to coach and influence her to turn such energies into something useful.

Dealing With My Own Teenage Son Who’s Acting Naughty

My first son has been a rock of support to my wife in the home since he was 8. He has always helped manage household chores – including cooking for his sibling when necessary. I’m convinced he’ll be a wonderfully domesticated husband to a lucky woman some day

Since turning 14 however, he’s been giving my wife and I some cause for concern. To be fair, he’s not done anything even remotely close to the stuff I did in my time (thank God!). At least not yet (ha ha!).

But he’s showing signs of the teenage restlessness that I’m all too familiar with.

The mother tells me he often goes out without telling her, to stay with friends for hours on end. When confronted, he refuses to own up. Sometimes he tells blatant lies about where he’s been.

Recently, he’s managed to influence his immediate younger brother to join him!

Since I relocated to Benin, I periodically call to speak with him and his siblings on phone.

Here’s an Example of a Phone Conversation I Once Had with Him

Me: So, how was school today?

Him: Fine.

Me: What did you do?

Him: I attended classes and read my books.

Me: What subjects did you attend classes on?

Him: I can’t remember.

Me: What do you mean – you can’t remember the subject you attended classes for today?

….and so on…

You get the drift: General indifference. Typical teenager attitude!

Final Words: Invest The Time/Effort to Help Your Child Now, So You’ll Have No Regrets Later

The signs differ from child to child. In my son’s case, my own experiences have guided me (from way back) to sense his attitude in this regard.

I’ve long since adopted a proactive approach to dealing with it. That’s why when he was 13; I got him to attend a 6 month manual typing course, which he has since completed.

Next thing I did was to make him think up and write stories (like this one) on subjects that interest him, using the computer.

Indeed for all my kids (I have five of them – 3 boys, aged 14, 12, and 10 plus 2 girls, aged 7 and 3) I’ve chosen to introduce a vocational dimension to their learning experiences. (NB: My other parenting articles explain why I do not follow traditional schooling methods.)

It is based on the interests they tell me they have. My hope is that through what interests them, I can help them overcome any indifference that may arise, to other things that matter e.g. their studies.

For me, what is important is guiding each child to:

(1) develop an independent personality and

(2) acquire competence to use self-study to acquire needed knowledge to achieve valued goals.

I know it won’t be easy, but I’m determined to do my best. With support from my wife, and also my mother – whose 3 decades experience as a teacher has come in handy so far – I’m sure we’ll win.