Self-Devpt. Nuggets™

Not everyone will agree with what I’m going to say here. But it’s the truth.  It is generally accepted that one needs to be financially capable of playing the role of a parent, before one begins to have them.

In certain cultures, this need to be financially capable makes some men especially wait till they are well past middle age, before they get married – talk less of having kids.

Why? Because it sometimes takes them that long to build the kind of financial capacity they believe they need to keep a wife and kids.

That’s when you see a father at 65, whose first child is still in primary or secondary school. Or the 75 year old who still has a child yet to finish from school.

In other climes, these are age ranges in which many parents already have grown children who have left home and started their own families.

It’s Not a Matter of Age or Marriage

It is my considered opinion that age is not what determines whether or not a person can start having kids. Most of us likely know, or have heard, of rather young persons getting married e.g teenagers.

The world did not come to an end when it first happened. And it continues to happen even today. And some of them actually make a success of their marriages – raising great kids too!

But being married may not mean you’re ready to start having kids – not even if you have all the money you’ll possibly need. And I explain three considerations that justify this view later in this piece.

It’s Not a Matter of Money

Some argue that being financially well off makes it easier to venture into parenting.

Again I argue that this does not really follow.

Just as being old enough does not mean a person is ready or competent, being rich does not qualify a person to become a parent.

I’m sure you can think (or have heard) of people of different ages who do not have money problems (including religious leaders), but who have (or had) major parenting issues.

That’s proof that it’s not just about money. Once again, I say there’s more to it than that.

It’s a Matter of What You Can Give – and How Well You Can Give It, To Help Your Child Succeed In Life

The truth is that there are people who – in terms of age – are well qualified to be parents, but who are doing badly as parents. And these are sometimes people with the money and means to care for kids.

So, it’s not necessarily about age or money – even though these matter as well. There’s more to it than that.

I believe an intending or aspiring parent needs to be ready to give of him/herself to kids. Parenting in my experience and opnion is at least 80% self-sacrifice.

You have to be ready to give of yourself to succeed.

That is the most important realization you need to have. Parenting requires constantly giving of yourself to help a younger version of yourself learn the ropes to succeed in the real world.

a. You Must Be Ready to Give Time and Attention

No matter how busy you become, once you have kids – if you want to succeed as a parent – you must create time and attention for them. They may not always ask. Yet doing it will often make their day.

Sometimes they WILL demand for your time and attention. It could be to ask your help with school work, or a toy that won’t work right. Or they could have a series of questions they need answers to.

If you’re busy, you can (gently) defer attending to them. But you must consciously create time at some point to give them the attention they request.

That simple gesture will make them feel valued by you. And it might just prevent them from giving in to pressure from friends outside the home, to get attention from adults who may be bad influences.

If you don’t think you’re ready to deal with (repeated, sometimes relentless) demand for your time and attention, do NOT start having kids now.

b. You Must Be Ready to Provide Coaching

Children are in the formative periods of their lives. During this phase, they need to be given emotional and psychological nourishment. Children who do not get the right mix of the foregoing are often those who become insecure adults with poor self-knowledge.

Think back to your growing up years. You will remember that there were some many things you were unsure about, or simply did not know. And you wanted – indeed needed – answers to them.

Responsive parents who take time to have coaching conversations with their kids, will often produce mature and emotionally balanced adult offspring.

If you’re not ready to sit your child down and share your philosophies about life with them, don’t have kids now!

Anytime I listen to – or watch – Femi and Seun Kuti for instance, I often see the influence of Fela Anikulapo Kuti’s coaching. Some of that coaching by Fela was done via “remote control” by being a great example/role model.

By this I mean that his kids got to watch him do things they learnt from. He lived a life that challenged others – including his kids. And they responded by growing up to do the same.

Talking alone will not be enough for your child. S/he will learn even more from you when s/he sees you in action.

If you’re not prepared to step out and set real-world relevant examples (i.e. walking your talk), don’t have kids YET!

c. You Must Be Ready to Keep Your Promises

As a parent, issues concerning your child’s schooling and personal development will constantly require your attention.

An open day when your child will be performing before her class will not go right for her if you miss it. You may not be able to attend all her events. But you must let her see that you care enough by showing up often enough.

If you’re not ready to make the commitment of keeping promises to a little child, do NOT start having kids now!

Final Words

It goes without saying that the ideas I express here are my personal opinion.

They are based on deep reflection on my experiences as a parent, as well as my observation of others playing their parenting roles.

I hope you find use for some of them.