Self-Devpt. Nuggets™

“Find out just what any people will quietly submit to, and you have the exact measure of the injustice and wrong which will be imposed on them.” – Frederick Douglass

Nothing is worse than an adult who lets other people use him/her as a door mat. No one deserves to be subjected to abuse in any form – by anybody. Sadly, some adults – who have kids of their own – are so insecure and unsure of themselves. They get intimidated into adopting a second class existence, in deference to the ego of some other persons.

This situation is worse in certain societies than others. Yet, even where it is worse, YOU always have a choice.

In this article I offer insights you can use, against the backdrop of a true story.

What If Someone Tries to Oppress or Intimidate You? (A True Story)

What I share below is based on excerpts from comments I made on a similar theme in a recent online discussion.

Over a period of six years, a hotel client used an Excel-VB driven Hotel Management Software I built specifically for them. The owner (who happens to be about 10 years older than I am) paid me to build it in November 2005.

Upon completing the staff training, I sent in an invoice for my balance, but he refused to pay up. Eventually, I stopped calling to ask.

Three months later, they had problems with the software and called. I told them my balance had to be paid up, before they could be eligible for support.

On learning of my response, he called me on his mobile, to say I had no respect for elders.

I pointed out that self-respecting elders did not refuse to pay younger ones struggling to fend for their own families, for completed work!

After making threats, this CEO arranged for police officers to pick me up in a (rickety) jeep. Their boss, the Divisional Police Officer, turned out to be a graduate of the University of Ibadan. Not surprisingly, he asked for my side of the story.

On hearing me out, he requested that I resolve the problem the hotel had. I replied that I wanted my balance paid.

Again, acting like the enlightened man he was, he sent an officer with me to the hotel, who told them my request. When they agreed to pay, I got behind a terminal, and eventually resolved the problem.

The accountant promptly handed me the balance in cash, and I signed for it.

The hotel owner (who though “rich” is poorly schooled), later said to me: “Tayo, you’re a very stubborn young man.” My reply was that I acted that way, only to persons who I felt wanted to cheat or intimidate me.

From that day in 2006, up till 2011, they continued using the software.

Each time they had a problem and called me in, the normal agreement was that my call out support fees would be paid – in cash.

Yet, every now and then he tried to stop me getting paid – even after I’d worked on the reported problem for hours – AND resolved it.

Sometimes he crossed out the fee on my invoice and wrote over it a figure 60% less!

But my ready willingness to confront without being combative ensured I got paid my full fees each time. I knew he did not like that. But I was not scared of him either.

This is important. Believe wholeheartedly that your creator will support you against such abuse, when you fight back in this manner. Never let fear control you!

Among other things, I knew giving in would be the beginning of a very bad treatment. I saw enough to warn me, each time I visited.

He once traveled before Christmas, without paying his staff salaries. And he returned in February! I’ve also heard him speak abusively on many occasions to staff. Guests hear him scream “MAD DOG!” at some of them.

What I find most hard to comprehend is the fact that some have worked with him for years. I often see them fidgeting fearfully anytime they have to face him.

A few have told me they have no choice. Yet many are young and able bodied.

The way I see it however, they only feel they have no choice because they are LAZY.

In addition, they also lack self-esteem and dignity.

It’s the only reason any sane person would accept let anyone subject them to abuse everyday at work. I feel little sympathy for people who choose to live in this way.

Their unwillingness to choose a more dignified path in life makes them undeserving of pity or sympathy. I say this without apology.

God did NOT create anyone to be stepped upon by another – no matter how rich!

I’ve since told that client I’ll no longer support his company’s use of the software.

It all came to a head after I had to defend myself against another attempt he made – using his police connections – to try intimidating me to work without due payment in 2011.

That’s however a story to be told some other time. Suffice to say though, that I wrote complaint letters to the Governor, State Security Service and eventually the Attorney General’s office to get him off my back!

Final Words

Here’s my point:

In society, one will always come across good and not-so-good people. It’s not a crime to view life through rose coloured glasses – believing that others will treat you right.

But even the bible records stories of people who were bad, and used their position, money and power to subject harmless/innocent others to abuse.

It therefore goes without saying that you must prepare to stand up to such individuals as the need arises. Or you’ll doom yourself to being oppressed by them!

You deserve better than that. And so does your child.

Being gentle, easy going, and not wanting any trouble, does not mean you have to be someone else’s door mat.

Learn to assert yourself – by confronting without being combative, when necessary.

And teach your child to be the same way. It’s the key to living a truly happy and fulfilled life.