Self-Devpt. Nuggets™

[NB: I first e-published this article on 31st July 2003 i.e a decade ago.] I greatly enjoyed watching the maiden edition of a network television show Today’s Woman hosted by Adesuwa on Wednesday 30th July 2003 from 8.30pm. She came across as one who truly desired to make a positive, meaningful and lasting impact in the lives of Nigerian women.

I shared this vision, and that’s why I wrote this proposal that same day (circulating it via e-mail the next morning), to suggest one way by which we can manage (it is not possible to eliminate it) the problem of Teenage/Pre-Marital Sex to the ultimate benefit of our society/nation.

What I Propose As A "Solution" Is Not Really New

First of all, let me say that I have a 14 year old teenage boy, who has a soon to be13 year old brother. So as a parent, I relate with teenage kids.

What I propose is being done in one form or the other by individuals and groups working with females groups. However, I advocate a different strategy in the implementation of this solution that will result in more sustainable returns and wider spread use of the solution, so that more of the intended target audience will receive the benefits in a shorter time.

I worked in a large corporate multinational for over 6 years in Benin City Edo state before voluntarily resigning to go into entrepreneuring. During that time, I had the opportunity to “witness” this problem at close quarters. It is of course also rampant in other parts of Nigeria. I believe that solving this problem requires first that we find practical/realistic answers to the following questions:

a. Do the teenagers have any adequately compelling reason to abstain from pre-marital sex?

(I have witnessed mothers encouraging their – teenage -daughters to date young male managers in blue-chip companies so as to get some extra money with which to supplement the family’s income). So there is a problem of economic hardships, and the need to survive.

b. Does the social environment in any way discourage teenagers from engaging in pre-marital sex? 

When adults who preach Christian/biblical tenets to their daughters engage in illicit affairs with the opposite sex, “thinking” their kids do not see them, what signals do they send to the kids?. Here, the habits of "lip-service" and hypocrisy – endemic in the Nigerian society – rear their heads. Ironically, our kids acquire these habits very quickly – by Osmosis(?) – too!

c. What alternative (diversionary?) activities can realistically be provided to engage the attention of teenagers in a way that minimizes their chances of engaging in pre-marital sex?

These must be activities that will be of sufficient interest to the girls(and boys) to make them willingly become so absorbed, as to have little time or patience to for "playing around" with male counterparts. Here I refer to vocations that will not only occupy, but also empower teenage girls – as happens in other societies.

Our Adopted Solution Must Defy The “Nigerian Factor”

In trying to resolve this problem, the solution we settle for must of necessity be one that will complement – not invalidate – the educational and counselling efforts already being applied to address it.

Many female (not necessarily teenage) Nigerians who engage in high-risk behavior for instance, have repeatedly revealed they were forced into it, out of a need to survive. It is often men who go into it just for “fun”.

Fewer women/girls initially see it as such.

Now, before anyone says such girls could get jobs or start a business, let me make something clear.

As an entrepreneur, I have found, over the years, that many other considerations aside from merit/competence (especially for service providers) determine who gets patronage in Nigeria. Your willingness to give something in cash or kind, frequently determines whether or not you get that which you may ordinarily be qualified for.

Many females who seek jobs, roles in films, funding for their ventures etc, are often confronted with male overtures they are pressured to accommodate as a pre-condition for getting what should have come to them by merit. It’s either they give themselves or give something else – money etc. Some soon realize they can actually get almost anything using this means, so it becomes a habit!

This is one of the fallouts of the so-called Nigerian factor.

I had a conversation with an entrepreneur who attended a certain lecture on Entrepreneuring organized by an NGO. He recalled that one of the speakers, in response to a question about how to deal with the Nigerian factor said “It’s there, but we can’t bring it on the table for discussion”!

No wonder many young Nigerians who venture into business fail. No one tells them they need to do more than package/market their services excellently to get corporate patronage for instance.

Now that’s exactly the cause of all our woes in this country. We refuse to accept, and sometimes deny out rightly, the existence of practices we are aware of, and even partake in on a daily basis! We want to wish it (Nigerian factor) away, yet we know it won’t go unless we do something about it.

Simply put, Nigerians love to deceive themselves!

We Need To Be Honest With Ourselves

If we truly want to solve (or reduce) the problem of teenage/pre-marital sex in our society, we must be ready to put all the factors relevant to the problem on the table and discuss them openly. For teenagers, especially those from poor families, it won’t be just about peer pressure.

A promise of cash/gifts she would otherwise not be able to afford will frequently rapidly "erase" any memories of Christian teaching about abstinence.

This may sound ludicrous to some people, but it is a well known FACT!(Even Wale Adenuga’s Super Story on TV acknowledges it).

I have seen adults as startup entrepreneurs who have consented to giving kick-backs, “cuts”, over-invoicing etc to officers in the companies they offer their services/products, so as to get contracts they badly need.

If those adults could not "endure" the challenge of a lack of legitimate patronage, how do you think a frail minded teenager will fare against a worldly teenage (or older) boyfriend or suitor dangling all sorts of carrots?

Let’s tune in to the real world, and not make our efforts to solve this problem an academic exercise. So many factors come in to play here. It’s not as simple as just telling them “God says don’t do it”! Virtually everyone gets told what God does not want, and yet everyday we read, see and hear about adults who should know better falling flat on their faces by doing things they knew were wrong/bad.

Vocational Empowerment – The Solution

Vocational Empowerment of teenage girls needs to become OUR priority. It remains for parents and successful professional/career women to come together and think of the easiest and most realistic ways to help young girls achieve this empowerment.

“So in what way will Vocational Empowerment help?” you may ask.

It will make teenagers believe more in themselves, since they will acquire knowledge/skills that make them immediately relevant to the real world’s needs and interests. A woman who enjoys recognition/rewards for her skills and abilities in a specific vocation will have greater self-esteem, and therefore be, for instance, less easily pressured to give in by peers or cash/gift promises.

The earlier a young girl gets this kind of empowerment, the better she will be able to deal with the challenge of saying no to male peers and others.

It cannot be too early to start this. Think about it – many (teenage) girls already hawk wares on the streets anyway(and Vocational Empowerment will provide them an alternative that works)!

Of course, if after all the efforts have been made, a teenage girl still wants to do it, she will. But, she is likely to be better prepared to deal with the outcome.

Discussions could be held to determine the most appropriate vocations that would readily interest them/equally give them a purpose to pursue in their lives aside from academics. You would need to ask them to visualise what they wish to achieve in life – and I DO NOT mean "Doctor", “Lawyer”, “Engineer” etc.

At this early stage, one would want to help them discover where their true passions lie on an individual basis.

And this may not even require a career counsellor. Their natural talents/geniuses are likely to be better identified by themselves, with help from parents, friends/relatives.

From there, the relevant vocation could be suggested and the teenagers introduced to it.

The next paragraph contains the MAIN idea that makes what I propose different from most of what I already being done in this area.

The vocation a teenager settles for MUST be one that can be easily combined with normal academic studies etc. If it is done right, there will be little need to chase the girl around to show interest -she will simply get naturally engrossed in it.

The above point CANNOT be over-emphasised. 

Please note, that in trying to implement a solutions for teenagers, we must remember they are different from other female groups. Especially by virtue of the fact that they will have to adopt these vocations and STILL continue the pursuit of their education.

They would also be likely still be responsible to their parents and guardians, so income-generation would not be the main objective for having them adopt a particular vocation(though it would be a good incentive/outcome).

Once that passion and intensity are ignited, only periodic guidance from older persons – with support and exposure through efforts of parents etc will help them grow into (psychological) maturity.

The successes of the first set of girls this is done with, will automatically stir up interest amongst their peers. Soon, other teenage Nigerian girls will believe they have a chance as well as a choice(s)!

Do you need an example? Well, think about the Williams sisters, and the number of trophies/cash prizes they’ve won through their teenage years, till today!

Much of their youthful energies, which could have been predominantly expended with male peers/others, were channeled into perfecting their skills in tennis. Today it has paid off.

In addition, the self-discipline they learned from engaging in a physically/mentally demanding sport, enabled them successfully venture into other lucrative vocations like fashion design (Venus) and acting (Serena).

There are many other examples. And please let no one say it won’t work here.

One of Adesuwa’s guests said each of us could provide support in form of funding, networking opportunities, and – I add – exposure. That’s what happens in developed societies. People there don’t fold their arms and call on “The Government”. They take action as individuals, and groups, to make the desired change happen – and commit to sustaining it!

In developed societies, people do not wait for the wives of governors/presidents, or rich persons, to start something.

Everyone who truly cares about these teenagers, and really wants to help them live better lives, will commit by giving his/her time, efforts, resources/expertise and (if possible) money to make that change/difference.We need to follow the dictum: “Start Where You Are With What You Have”.

Out here, everyone talks about how bad it is, but few are prepared to commit on a long-term (“no rewards expected”) basis to solving it.

The problem here in Nigeria, is that we have very few adults with long-term vision and commitment to anything. Not many people are ready to work with (young) others for 5/10-year periods to build anything lasting/self-sustaining.

I come from a working background that has prepared me to do that. I have worked with people with that kind of training – mostly expatriates. I am honestly convinced that anyone who can just do that will achieve breakthroughs never before witnessed in this country – repeatedly!

What I have said above is not theory. It is based on the work I am now engaged in. I am a Self-Development /Performance Enhancement Specialist, and my work is aimed at helping people learn how to empower themselves to achieve their fullest potentials in life.

My organisation is a startup mobile creative training outfit, but not an NGO.

The above suggestions are part of the approach I have settled for as a basis for achieving my vision. In my case, the major vocations I have chosen is low startup capital Catfish farming, Custom IT Solutions Development and Internet Entrepreneuring(Netpreneuring). My background in (Agric.) Extension Services also equips me to function as a Social Change Agent – which is what this is all about: effecting positive Social Change.

Some Specific Vocations To Consider

I must acknowledge here that there are individuals/groups already doing something along these lines, and recording excellent successes. We however need more of it to happen – and more importantly we NEED them to be sustainable!! In going through the suggested vocations, keep in mind that teenagers will normally still have to pursue an education, so we need to engage them in vocations(as I said at the start of this proposal) that can be easily combined with normal academic studies etc

1. Fashion Design/Tailoring

Why can’t a 12 year-old girl start apprenticeship in tailoring/fashion design under a reasonably successful (preferably female) volunteer who is a fashion designer/tailor? The teenager’s apprenticeship would be FREE and she would be useful to her “trainer” by providing an extra pair of willing hands. Her schooling would not suffer in any way.

Before any objections are raised, remember that many young Nigerian girls of this age already have to do more demanding work than what is being proposed, due to the economic circumstances of the families they belong to.

Even if a girl’s family is comfortable, she has everything to gain, and virtually nothing to lose by spending a few hours every week learning a skill that will make her useful to herself/other much earlier on in life.

Those who have fashion designers/tailors as mothers, sisters, aunties, wives (or male versions) will testify to how comforting it is to know that attires for your next social outing will get the best attention etc – at good prices too!

Those who have fashion designers/tailors as mothers, sisters, aunties, wives (or male versions) will testify to how comforting it is to know that attires for your next social outing will get the best attention etc – at good prices too!

2. Sports – Lawn Tennis/Squash, Athletics etc.

Here I point out the irony of the chocolate beverage adverts that show an Aje-butter(rich) kid breasting the tape at the finish line in a race after having a Cocoa drink. This is to be contrasted with the real-life situation of Aje Paki(poor) kids who daily represent Nigeria in all major sporting competitions worldwide!

If you haven’t noticed, go out and do a survey. 99% of the people who represent Nigeria in serious sporting activities are from poor/humble backgrounds. Very few comfortable/rich Nigerian parents allow their kids spend time engaged in serious sports.

Instead they give them allowances to visit clubs, recreation centers, attend parties etc. That’s where(for those not under financial pressure) the pre-marital sex problems crop up. They are less driven to strive for personal successes/achievements than their poorer peers, with more time/energy to engage in such activities.

Lawn Tennis/Squash, Golf and Chess are fairly high-profile sports that some parents might want to get their kids interested in.

I say this because certain people worry that their kids may suffer injuries etc when engaged in rugged sports like Football, Handball etc.

Incidentally Tennis/Golf etc seem to attract sponsorships fairly readily, and since they are individual events, offer, more tangible rewards to the child who takes part and wins.

It is an added irony that despite the foregoing facts, many of the organized competitions in these events suffer due to low interest/participation. It’s almost never too early for kids to start playing these sports – from 3 years up!

3. Arts/Entertainment

I will not bother to say much here. Just look at what has happened to that industry in Nigeria today, especially since the entry of the Bruce family’s Silverbird International. Comedians, Singers, and Actors if willing to work hard, can enjoy successful and rewarding careers.

Teenagers, under good guidance, can also spend time learning the ropes of these naturally interesting and exciting vocations, with positive, lasting benefits.

4. Internet Entrepreneuring

Careers in custom software development, freelance writing, web design/copywriting and web marketing service provision – for an international credit card paying clientele – are not unachievable for Nigerian teenagers.

With good commitment, and vision, the negative impact of the activities of 419 email scam artists hampering the harvesting of limitless opportunities available on the net can be overcome.

I am heavily focussed towards making this happen through my work currently, and would welcome enquiries from persons genuinely interested in making it happen too.

Start by taking your kids to the Stadium near you – today! 

Final Words

I’ll end by saying that just like one of the guests on Today’s Woman said, the changes are not going to happen overnight. They are Social Changes. Anything relating to making human beings effect changes in the way they do things, hardly ever happens quickly.

The prospective Change Agent therefore needs to wear the "toga" of patience – and be persistent – if he/she is to achieve any lasting change.

To be able to do this and remain sane in a place like Nigeria, one MUST – of necessity -believe in, and truly LOVE the people he/she wishes to help. That’s why I could not help but get to my PC and begin typing this proposal immediately after watching that interesting TV show this evening.

There is so much I have to say about this issue, and related ones. I am extremely passionate about the challenge of helping Nigerians make the best of their lives as individuals, in a way that will benefit themselves, and the country.

We must start with the individual, and help him/her learn how to perform optimally in any area of endeavour she chooses if this country is to fully develop.

The government has enough problems to grapple with as it is. Let each of us begin to do something to bring about the change. I have chosen my path, so (it appears) has Adesuwa. I’m hoping others who watch will realise – as she has said – that they need to do likewise.

Here’s wishing Adesuwa continued success in her show, and even greater successes in future! 

—End of original article—

Update Added on 4th April 2014: I Practise What I Preach – My Kids Are Living Proof!

I first e-published this article on 31st July 2003 i.e a decade ago.

Today, I have many parenting articles on this blog, in which I share the progress I’m making in applying the above solution in my own home, with my own kids. The results I’m getting PROVE that it works. Click here to read one such article published just yesterday, in which I share the story (with photos) of how my kids make cakes (without using an oven) that they sell in their school.

And that’s just one of a number of vocational skills they possess. If my kids can do it, then so can yours – with YOUR help and support!