Self-Devpt. Nuggets™

What Kinds Of Friends Do YOU Want – And Keep?

I want to surround myself with TRUTH all the time. I do not want to keep diplomatic and “anchorless Social Chameleons” (as Daniel Goleman described them in his book on Emotional Intelligence) in my social circle.

Does not matter if they are relatives or friends. I want people around me who will say what they mean and mean what they say – NO MATTER whose Ox is gored in the process, even if it’s mine! I want these things because I know they will bring out the best in me and those I relate with. What about YOU?

A Lesson About Truth-Based Relationships From A Celebrity

I was watching an interview of the highly successful female singer – Beyoncé- some time ago in which her gutsy venture into production of a solo album in secrecy and (as the reporter put it) without the luxury of a “safety net” to fall on (in event of failure) was discussed.

When asked how she felt about people making up stories about her life and commenting on her as a celebrity, she (among other things) said she felt lucky to belong to a family where people (unlike what obtains for some other stars) don’t tell her everything she says or does is “cute”. She added that as a result, she has always been surrounded “by truth” which has helped her remain herself.

Adults In Society And The Challenge Of Keeping Truth-Based Relationships

Listening to Beyoncé and reflecting on what she has achieved as a member of the immensely successful group – “Destiny’s Child” – and in her subsequent solo career, makes me certain that my belief that “surrounding oneself with truth in order to succeed with integrity” is valid.

Too often in society, especially amongst adults, duplicity, denial and outright dishonesty/insincerity feature prominently in relationships. It is so much so that I sometimes feel it would take only a blind person NOT to see it!

The truth is that inside each of us is a sixth sense, which equips us (if we develop it) to be able to “detect” insincerity in others – to some extent. Unfortunately, vanity, selfish interests and the need for ego gratification, make many people close their eyes to these obvious signs of insincerity when they see them.

I once read the following quote : “We ask for criticism, even though what we actually want to hear is praise”. I’ll take it further and say “…As a result, when we get the criticism we ask for, we take offense against the person(s) who is/are sincere enough to tell us the TRUTH”.

What Kinds Of Friends Do YOU Want – And Keep?

I think I like the “Beyoncé” kind of surrounding a lot. I want to surround myself with TRUTH all the time. I do not want to keep diplomatic and “anchor less Social Chameleons” (as Daniel Goleman described them in his book on Emotional Intelligence) in my social circle.

Does not matter if they are relatives or friends. I want people around me who will say what they mean and mean what they say – NO MATTER whose Ox is gored in the process, even if it’s mine! I want people around me who will tell me what they think of my words and actions to my face and not smile that I’m OK and then go behind my back to complain to others!

I want people who will give me (and/or anyone who needs it) the help or support I need UNCONDITIONALLY and without complaining or murmuring, and who will be decent enough to let me know when it is NOT convenient enough for them to help/support anymore – instead of continuing to help GRUDGINGLY. I want these things because I know they will bring out the best in me and those I relate with.

And if I cannot find people who fit the foregoing descriptions to be around, I would prefer to be on my own/keep to myself!

Is It The Number Of Friends You Have That Matters – Or The QUALITY of EACH ONE?

Incidentally, the attributes outlined above are those I have always striven to exhibit in my relationships with others. They are powerful qualities that I encourage YOU to also develop (if you do not already possess them), because you will make yourself EXTREMELY valuable and useful in the lives of others as a result.

Let me end with this question, which will be followed by what I consider a VERY powerful quote:

Question: What would be the point of your claiming to have many friends/associates/relatives etc for instance, when most (or all?) of them are not true to you?(i.e. say one thing to your face and another when you’re not around OR they say one thing and do another etc).

Blaise Pascal probably had the above in mind when he reportedly said the following words:

“I lay it down as a fact that if all men knew what others say of them, there would not be 4 friends in the world”.

What do you think?

NB: This article was first published online on 31st October 2007