Self-Devpt. Nuggets™

What is the current state of YOUR marriage union – and family? This can be a very tough question to answer, for many people today. I say this from personal – and very painful – experience, as one who has been married for over 14 years, with kids.

In my part of the world (Africa), the global economic crisis has hit just as hard as elsewhere. We have less “cushion” systems in place (e.g. by way of unemployment checks for instance).

As a result, African societies are recording increasing numbers of family “break-ups” than before, our strong culture notwithstanding.

What Is the Major Cause of Wall Cracks in Many Families Today?

I hinted at it above already…I believe it’s MONEY. Directly or indirectly, it is OFTEN MONEY.

Some people will disagree. But if truth be told, very many homes would remain intact if the challenge of a LACK OF MONEY did not get added to any problems they face (Natural exceptions include cases of violence or abuse etc).

I say this with particular reference to Africa.

But even in developed societies, money (or a lack of it in enough amounts) often plays a powerful role in determining the shelf-life of marriage/family relationships.

Here’s one example:

About 2 months ago, I received an email broadcast starting with the story of a chap who recently recorded financial success online. Before this breakthrough, he had been struggling – badly – to make things work. Things got so bad that his wife said:

“Look, you can’t even pay the rent for heaven’s sake. If I don’t see any change by the end of this month, I’m moving out with the kids to my mother’s!”

Luckily for the guy, his breakthrough came just in time to prevent his wife from carrying out her threat.

Is It Right To Give Up On Someone You Love, When S/he Has Yet to Give Up on Him/Herself?

Something struck me as odd about the above story.

You see, I just could not understand how a wife could make that kind of threat; to a man she took marital vows with, in his darkest moments.

This man was apparently not lazy, and was trying to do better. It was a period any human being could have done with some morale boosting words of encouragement. Especially from his better half…like the wife of Sylvester Stallone’s Rocky Balboa did for him when he felt like giving up – leading him to make a great comeback to the ring!

I would have expected a spouse, to keep believing in her man. She could have asked her mother and anyone else in the larger family for their prayers, their suggestions etc. She could even have asked them to help find a cheaper place they could move to till things improved!

I mean, she could have gotten involved – instead of giving him an ultimatum. As if he applied to be her husband/father of her kids, and he had yet to meet the requirements!

It Seems Marital Vows No Longer Mean Much to Some People

The wordings of marriage vows people take at weddings have always intrigued me. They are of such a serious nature, that I honestly believe only people who know they can fulfil them should take them.

Yet, day in day out, people go through the ritual of saying those words to one another in front of a priest, and other witnesses. Then they turn around later and say “I’ve had enough”.

When a married couple have a disagreement, they can say nasty things to one another. I mean REEAALLYY nasty things.

I should know…I’ve said quite a number to my “madam”. But guess what, if you let yourself simmer down (sometimes your creator will intervene through the right people or circumstances), you’ll often find that you’re still able to give it another go.

The Words in Marriage Vows Can Provide Powerful Incentive for Preserving a Marriage/Family Union

The family serves as the “production” unit for society’s members. Regardless of the shape or form it takes (e.g. single male or female parent with one or more kids, living in rich or poor neighbourhoods etc), virtually every family ultimately turns out its members to participate in larger society.

Excepting possibly hermits and the like

In other words, families generally play a key role in determining the quality of people that make up society.

I believe spouses should form the habit of regularly reviewing the wording of Marriage Vows. They will be more frequently reminded of the need to stay united and committed to one another – and to the well being of the products of their union i.e. kids.

I did not have a “church wedding” with my wife (and mother of my five kids). But I have found reading the words in marriage vows VERY useful during tough times we’ve had in our 14 years together.

Any couple will benefit from reading and re-reading them. There are variants, but the basic message remains the same (See an example below).

“I, ____, take you, ____, to be my (husband/wife). I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love you and honour you all the days of my life.” Source: Wikipedia

A husband and wife are a team. Along with their kids, they make up a bigger team. If they are able to establish and nurture a self-sustaining relationship of sharing and mutual understanding, it will be very hard for ANYTHING to break them apart. Reading/re-reading marriage vows can help that process.

Children in a marriage are likely to LEARN how to stay united from watching their parents do the above. The society they live in will be better off as a result.