Category Archives: Self-Development

PERFORMANCE IMPROVEMENT COACHING: Achieve Your Goals & Resolutions, Regardless of Adversity!

Do you want to learn how to finish anything you start, with worthwhile results to show for it?

Would you like to be able to set and achieve valued goals in your life regardless of delays, disappointments and setbacks you encounter?

If YES, then rest assured that you’re in the right place, and I CAN help you achieve the above – and a lot more.

Starting today (5th December 2012), I offer YOU access to my confidential paid coaching/consulting service.

When it comes to getting results no matter what goes wrong, under some of the most difficult and frustrating socioeconomic situations imaginable, my track record of achievements readily attest to my competence.

Reading through the experience based posts and articles on this blog for starters, will give you an idea of the depth of insight and know-how I can give you.

You need someone who knows what it takes to relentlessly climb back up after being knocked down countless times, until he reaches his goal.

That, IS me.

You need the help of a person whose unique versatility as a multipreneur equips him to appreciate issues you face from YOUR unique perspective.

Again, me.

You can make your dreams come true, if you choose the right coach to guide and support you.

I can help you, using my Spontaneous Coaching technique, developed and refined over the past fifteen years.

Your age, gender, education, country etc do NOT matter.

What matters is your interest, desire, passion, purpose and vision.

You most likely currently struggle to achieve your goals because you LACK access to information and guidance that can help you to:

(1). eliminate trial and error

(2). Identify potentially viable ways to get the results you want as quickly as possible.

With my help, you can quickly learn what to do, and how to do it.

I offer paid email and telephone based (as well as face to face) coaching/consulting that can help you take the guesswork out of what you’re trying to do.

Understand that I do NOT need to know the technicalities of your work or vocation.

My role will simply be to guide you to take needed steps as and when due, to achieve the outcomes you desire.

My past accomplishments from successfully delivering customised solutions to clients in widely differing industries (hotels, hospitals, consulting, health and fitness, manufacuring, real estate etc) prove that my multipreneurial aptitude equips me to understand, and adapt to different subject matter quite easily.

In other words, it is a valuable asset that benefits my clients.

And it will benefit you, if you choose to let me help you.

There is so much you need to know and do, in order to competently go after, and achieve, your challenging life goals.

I am a proven goal getter in my personal and work lives from my days as a student, through 7 years in paid employment and over the past 10 years as an entrepreneur.

In many cases my work speaks so well for me, that I do not need to say more. Learn more about me here.

I can show you how to achieve your own goals the way I do mine, even in the face of multiple daunting obstacles. You CAN become unstoppable!

Let me help you work out a real-world relevant ACTION plan, that provides ready-to-use remedies to setbacks and other forms of temporary defeat you are bound to encounter as you pursue your goals.

I can offer you experience based suggestions that can help you evolve smarter action plans, and ultimately make the most of the challenges you’ll have to face.

If you did not find this page yourself, it’s likely I sent you the link after you contacted me about my mentoring.

Here’s How You Get Started With Me…

In order to coach anyone, I must evaluate the quality of their drive, determination and CONVICTION by requiring them to take an initial leap of faith by sending me:

N20,000 (Twenty Thousand Naira) for an initial remote telephone consultation lasting 15 to 30 minutes.

If you’re not ready to do this, stop reading now. I cannot work with anyone unwilling to take the above first step.

If you’re ready to take that leap of faith, I offer you more details:

Note that the N20k you send is 100% refundable, IF you go ahead to signup for my full coaching program.

To help you maximise value from that initial consultation with me , I always recommend sending key questions or concerns in written form at least 5 days ahead of the session.

As a gesture of goodwill, I provide for every client, written responses where relevant and approriate, to each one, and send via email as PDF and MP3 audio to you before the session date.

This will enable you ask other questions or request more details/clarification by the time you call to speak with me.

At the end of the session, you’ll likely have greater clarity about what you should be doing specifically to achieve your purpose.

Only after that will coaching become relevant.

Let me repeat myself: The initial consultation session (which I call “Situation Analysis”) will help me evaluate your needs, and based on that, I’ll then propose a custom coaching program for you, with required investment (recall you’ll be able to deduct 100% of your initial N20k consultation payment if you choose to sign up for full coaching).

So, what will you do now? I recommend you ask yourself:

“Can I afford to proceed on this important journey without RELIABLE support and guidance?”

Think about that…

To get started with me, send a request for payment details using this contact form using “Re: Spontaneous Coaching Initial Consultation request” in the subject line.

They Falsely Accused & Physically Assaulted Me…But Ended Up In Police Custody! (True Story)

What you are about to read is an abridged version of a true story I originally published as a downloable PDF on my website back in January 2012. That PDF contains the detailed account of a nasty life threatening experience I suffered between 7.40p.m and 11.30 pm on Wednesday 18th January 2012. The event took place in a busy area on the outskirts of Lagos-Nigeria. Names have been changed, to protect the identities of those involved.

Some say publishing this story exposes me to ridicule, & could affect my reputation. I don’t care, as long as it can SAVE others from a similar nasty experience. Pass this report ON to as many others as possible. You could save someone’s life! – Tayo Solagbade

Why Did I Make It So Long?

My wife asked me why I made my narration this detailed (the full PDF is 14 pages long). I could not explain it then. I had  just kept on typing until I felt drained of anything else to say! On reflection, I realized that I just felt a need to get it all out.

Interestingly, I later discovered that the process of writing it down had a greatly therapeutic effect on me.

Many writers will confirm that writing provides a safe outlet for "venting". That’s why it’s been said that writers often tend to write for themselves, just as much as we write for our readers. Indeed most times we write FIRST for ourselves!

It is for the above reason that this post has been placed in the Writing/Blogging category – even as I’ve added it to the Self-Development category as well. You can download the FULL PDF version of this write-up from here.

It Happened To Me. It Could Happen To Anyone!

Now, let me point out that I’m no “Aje butter”  or what the Americans would call “Spring Chicken”. (I’m 5ft 11inches tall, and reasonably built up, and also physically fit). On the contrary, I’m the kind of guy some people have described as a tough b*****d or S.O.B. Those who know me will tell you that the last thing anyone can call me is squeamish.

That’s one reason why I managed to survive that experience, to the extent of ensuring the culprits were made to answer for their misdeeds. I dare say that the average person would have caved in within minutes of being subjected to the physical abuse and malicious mind games I was exposed to, during those four or so hours.

I have been in and out of many tough/dangerous situations in my life, since I was a teenager. Brushes with robbers, gangs, area boys/thugs and the likes are NOT strange to me. In other words, I am fairly street smart, even if I say so myself.

See the “I’m No Stranger To Conflict or Crisis: Some Past Encounters” section on page 14 of the FULL PDF version of this write-up, to understand what I mean. If it could happen to me, with all my "street-smartness", then what I describe in this report could happen to YOU. Indeed, I am convinced it has happened to others, but maybe not people you and I know. Only crimes that are reported in the news and documented by Police etc, usually get known by the general public.

Deep reflection on the way this group of conniving miscreants/thugs operated has convinced me of the importance of WARNING others to be aware of this potential threat to their well being.

A WORD OF CAUTION: Please do not dismiss this story. I strongly urge you to take a few moments to read it, and note the lessons to be had. If not for yourself, do it for your loved ones – children, friends, colleagues and relatives, who may NOT be as "worldly" or "savvy" as you feel you are.

Share THIS with as many others as you can – in your homes, offices, communities, schools, churches, mosques, clubs and every social group you have access to. Doing so may just save someone’s life. To be forewarned, as they say, is to be fore-armed!

Characters (Names changed to protect their identities):

Afeetal: 20 year old girl, who accused Me of stealing N3,000.00 worth of N100 MTN cards.

Baba: The owner of the house in which the shop is located, along the busy road where it all happened. He is also Afeetal’s father.

Mama: Baba’s wife, who was seated at the entrance to the shop when I arrived. It would later be revealed that Mama had a severe stroke a while back and was no longer aware of her surroundings. As a result, she could not be called as a witness.

Lagbaja: A young chap, under 20 years who was in the shop to buy a card, when the drama began.

Bibah: The first of the four (4) young men who assaulted Me.

Gink: Leader of the gang of 3 area boys who later arrived, and also assaulted Me.

Corporal Leinad and Sergeant Yeddog:  Both arrived the scene in patrol vehicle.

Inspector Ofisu: Handled the interrogation

Semif: Relative to Afeetal (arrived at the station, while statements were being taken down)

Semif’s wife:  Had been around before her husband arrived.

Me: Tayo K. Solagbade

How It All Began

Note: Our conversations took place in a mix of Yoruba, English as well as Pidgin English. What I’ve provided below is therefore NOT a verbatim reproduction of the exact words used.

At about 7.40 pm, I was driving in slow moving traffic in the direction of my home, when I recalled that I needed to renew my subscription to the Blackberry Internet Service, so as to send a response email to a client I was to meet the next day by 10a.m in Allen Avenue Ikeja. The client would be leaving to attend a course at the MIT in the USA the night of the next day, and we had agreed to meet, to finalise terms for a new project he had commissioned me to do.

I spotted a shop with "Buy Recharge Cards" sign written in chalk on the inner face of one of the open doors. I pulled over. Before getting out of the car, I called my wife and told her I was already on my way home, but that there was heavy traffic. Normally, it would take about 10 minutes to get home from my location, but we both knew that bad traffic on that road could make it last for hours.  

I got out and walked into the shop, where I saw Afeetal seated behind a small table in the right corner of the shop. On my way in, I’d greeted an old woman seated in a chair to the right of the doorway (i.e. Mama).

Me: Hello. I’d like to buy N1,500 worth of Etisalat cards please.

Afeetal(after checking): I only have N1,300 worth.

Me: That’s Ok. Let me have them. (I give her N2,000 – two N1,000 naira notes. She hands me about 7 different strips of recharge card paper, for different Naira amounts, totaling N1,300. I pick up the N700 change she places on the table for me, and I begin loading the PINs, standing next to her in the shop).

Halfway through the cards, Baba walks in and asks for the owner of the car parked outside. The girl tells him it’s for me. I greet him politely, and he leaves. About 3 minutes later he returns.

Baba: But why have you not moved the car like I requested? It’s partially blocking my house gate. I explained that I had not heard him properly when he came the first time, and had assumed he simply wanted to be sure the car owner was around. So Iapologised, and quickly moved the car. He thanked me, and went back inside.

Me(to Afeetal): Is there any other place where I can buy the remaining N200 recharge card? (I needed to do this, so as to complete the N1,500 needed to renew my subscription to the BIS.)

Afeetal: There’s a shop next door, and another across the road.

Me: Can you possibly ask your little brother to help me buy the remaining N200 recharge card from one of those shops, so I can finish loading everything before I leave?

Afeetal: Okay. (Gets up and leaves the shop, crossing the road).

I recall wondering briefly to myself why she had not asked the little boy who’d been running around the shop to help buy it from next door, but decided maybe she was just a naturally helpful person. While she was away, I discovered one particular N100 card failed to load despite repeat attempts. I kept getting a wrong PIN number error message. A closer inspection of the card revealed it was a GLO card. Just at the same time, (approx. 5 to 7 minutes after she’d left, Afeetal walked back in).

Me: Did you get the N200 card? (She replied NO).

Me: By the way, look (showing her the card), this one you gave me, along with the others, is a Glo card, and NOT Etisalat.

She took it from me, mumbled sorry, and sat down behind the desk to find a replacement (I assumed). At that moment, a young guy (Lagbaja) who appeared to be about her age (and who I’d seen standing outside the shop while she was away), walked in

Lagbaja: I want to buy N100 MTN.

Afeetal: Okay. (Checks in bag/purse. After a prolonged search, she looks up, moves the plate of food she’d just eaten aside, as if looking for something, then gets up, checks under the seat, before announcing: “Ah, I can’t find all my MTN recharge cards!”

Me: Don’t worry. So long as you put them there, you’ll find them. Just calm down and check again. I’ve been here since you left, with Mama also seated at the door. No one has come in here since. And I have not left. Just check. I’m sure you’ll find it.

Afeetal: (making an impatient gesture, takes out the cards in the bag, and hurriedly runs through them): No, they are not here. Ha, all the 30 MTN N100 cards I left here are gone! Lagbaja and I encourage her to think and try to remember where she may have left them. She insists she left it in her bag.

Me: Then it must be there. Just try and search a little more carefully. The cards will surely show up. In the meantime, let me have the replacement N100 Etisalat card for the GLO card you mistakenly gave me. I need to see if I can buy the N200 card to complete the subscription.

Afeetal: Where? Hmm. You are not going anywhere O! Are you not the one I left here, when I went to buy the card for you? No, you cannot leave!

I told her she her she had to be joking. But to my consternation, she went wild, grabbed the front of my shirt raising her voice saying "I will not let you leave. You have to give me my cards!". I tried to free my t-shirt from here grasp, but she kept held on tight, and all of a sudden, she pulled violently on the shirt, tearing it right down the middle. She then wrapped the extended pieces around her hand to tighten her grip.

It Was Like A Bad Dream

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw that people had begun to gather. I said "Are you crazy? Can you see what you’ve done. You’ve torn my shirt. Is something wrong with you?" She replied that nothing was wrong with her, and that I would produce her cards or she would not let me go. At this point I decided to forcefully remove her hands. She shouted to someone outside the shop "Call Baba! Call Baba!".  

We continued struggling. As I dragged her closer to the door, she left me, and rushed to the outside, and pushed me back inside. Lagbaja also put his hand on my shoulder to stop me from stepping out. I impatiently brushed his hand off.

At this point, Baba arrived, and asked me what the problem was. I told him I would only speak after I had stepped out of the shop, because I did not wish to get accused of stealing something else in addition to the imaginary cards Afeetal had accused me of stealing. He tried to pressure me to say more. I refused. I eventually forced my way out of the shop to the entrance, where my car was parked. Then I turned to speak to Baba. At this point, I noticed Afeetal making a phone call, but thought nothing of it.

A few minutes later, Bibah arrived, and menacingly walked up to me, asking "So you are the one who stole my sister’s recharge card?". Before I could respond, he moved swiftly and I felt a heavy punch land on the left side of my face. I responded with a right fist that hit him on the side of his  neck as he went into a crouch. He lunged forward and grabbed me round the waist. I immediately locked my arms around his head, and we wrestled for some seconds dragging ourselves into the middle of the road, where I eventually lost my footing and fall backwards on to the un-tarred road surface, with him on top of me, raining punches, most of which hit home, as I blocked the others.

It Got Worse As Someone Broke A Bottle And Came Towards Me…

As this struggle continued, I saw the feet of people who had gathered round, and were watching it all without making any effort to intervene. I recall wondering how it was possible that they could not find the courage to put a stop the obvious madness that was taking place right before their eyes. Suddenly I heard someone break a bottle, and a few seconds later saw him advance with the broken piece towards us. Bibah raised his hand towards the guy (whose face I could not see) and said “No. Don’t stab him!”.

Still lying on the dust covered road (cars had stopped), I told Bibah he had made a big mistake by engaging me the way he had, and that I would make sure he was taught a good lesson for jumping to conclusions before establishing what the problem was. I pushed him off, picked up my slippers (which I always wear while driving, leaving my shoes behind the driver’s seat), and walked back to the shop entrance.

By this time, my t-shirt and singlet were torn – and I was only left with my belted trousers. A guy came up to me and said in a heavy Igbo accent “Look why not just get into your car and leave.” I told him NO, saying I would make sure those involved did not get away without answering for their crime. He walked away, shaking his head.

I looked around, and pointed to the girl (Afeetal) who stood behind a row of observers, and was till ranting and raving about my being a thief. In a loud voice, I said she would get a re-education through her contact with me. I told her what she had done amounted to a criminal act of making a false, unsubstantiated accusation against an innocent person, promising her she would end up in a police cell for doing so.

She responded by shouting curses at me and calling me a thief. I looked round at all of them and announced that I was going to invite the police to find out the truth, adding that I was strongly convinced no cards had gone missing. I told them they were shameless thieves, and that they had picked the wrong person to hustle/shake down.

I Tried Calling A Police Officer On Phone – As Three Thugs Arrived

Picking up my phone, I called the number of a police officer I knew to be based at the police station close to where the drama was taking place, and told him what was happening. He told me he was now stationed on Victoria Island, but that Inspector Ofisu, who I also happened to know, was on duty at the station  close to us. I thanked him and turned to face Baba, but he was gone.

Just then a white car pulled up directly opposite mine, about 10 metres from where I stood. Three guys came out of it, and walked up to me. The one who was the leader – Gink – was in the middle, squat shaped and shorter than the others. He walked past me to the entrance of the shop and motioned with a finger saying "Come here and tell me what happened." I angrily retorted "If you want to talk to me, YOU come here and talk to me. Don’t ask me to come to you!" (I noticed Baba was back).

The manner in which this group had arrived made me uneasy. I sensed something sinister in the way they approached, eyeing me with undisguised malice. I proceeded to narrate what happened. But I had barely spoken for 20 seconds when the one to my left cut me off saying "This guy must have stolen those cards. I know his face. Last month, he was caught for stealing in Lambe”. This was a location in another state (i.e. Ogun). As he made this assertion, he walked slowly away from me, behind Gink, to stand next to the third guy.

I turned angrily to face him: You are crazy to tell such a vicious lie. There’s obviously some madness going on here tonight, and I’m glad I’m the one who’s being treated to it. I assure you that through me, this nonsense which is obviously something you guys have made a habit, will stop.”

Suddenly, Gink hit me on the side of the head with his fist, threatening that they would put a tyre round my neck and burn me to death if I did not stop talkingA voice in my head kept telling me not to get into a physical exchange with them, because they could use it to incite the crowd against me, with unpredictable consequences. So, I settled for mocking them. With a smile on my face, I dared him to carry out his threat adding that the only reason he had the guts to hit me was because he knew his guys were around. I told him his courage would fail him if we met in a dark alley, where he was not assured of support from others.

The Police Are Eventually Called In

As we continued our verbal exchange, someone pulled my arm. I turned to see a police sergeant carrying a rifle. He asked me what the problem was. For what must have been over 45 minutes, the officers would try to mediate in the matter, to get us to arrive to a mutually agreeable way to ascertain the truth. The crooks refused to agree to any of the suggestions the police made. When asked why they had not yet searched me, they could not answer. The sergeant questioned why they had settled for assaulting me, without trying to recover the missing cards from my person, first of all, especially since I had not left the shop.

That was when Gink and his 2 guys (who had been walking round my car, looking through the window) said that they were sure I had given the cards to an accomplice, because they could see another pair of shoes in my car. I told the sergeant that the shoes were mine. They shouted that I was lying, and that my partner must have run away with the cards as soon as I had stolen them.

Bibah, the 3 guys and some of their friends, including the girl, Afeetal, insisted that my car be opened and searched there.

At one point, Gink confronted the police officer accusing him of being needlessly indecisive. Among other things, he said it was the “hesitant” attitude of the police force that made him prefer O.P.C guys (the vigilante group based in the Southwest, known for members who readily employ crude weapons and "instant/jungle justice" in their dealings with opponents – perceived or real).

The Sergeant warned him to watch his words, repeating his offer to supervise a search of my person, and car, in full view of as many of them as were willing to go with us to the Police Station. None of them offered to do so, even though they had boldly claimed they knew I had the cards in my possession, and were pushing to have me beaten to pulp based on their unproven claims!

When the sergeant refused to let them have their way, Gink planted himself before me, and began making threats of all kinds. Among other things, he stated that they would still track me down to my home and deal with me. I responded by patting him repeatedly on his right shoulder, while telling him that I also intended to find them, and make them admit/pay for what they had done.

I mocked them by saying they were all acting like they were supermen, against someone they knew they had outnumbered, calling them cowards. I finished by saying "You think I’ll be afraid of cowards like you? **** you!"  As we stared at each other, I saw a fleeting sign of what appeared to be either doubt or fear in his eyes, for some seconds. It occurred to me that he was affected by the ferocity with which I still challenged him in spite of the fact that I was obviously outnumbered, and despite their violent efforts to physically intimidate me for well over an hour since they arrived.

My Out Of Body Experience

Funny thing was, I never even gave thought to the possibility that they could harm me, even with all they had done. I was so pumped up with rage. As the drama had unfolded, even as I fought and spoke, I kept thinking to myself, “Is this really happening to me, or am I in some crazy dream?”. Am I the one fighting with these thug-like boys in the middle of a major road, with my car parked along side, while a growing crowd of people watches?

There were many occasions during the most intense periods of that event, that I honestly felt I was having what Wole Soyinka described in one of his books as an “out of body experience”. I actually felt like I was outside my body watching myself engaging these crooks in a fight for my life. All kinds of thoughts flashed through my mind. I wondered if I would see my family again – my wife, kids, siblings, parents.

As these thoughts went through my mind, it struck me, that if I let them WIN, no one would know the truth. No one would be told what really happened. I would be branded a thief in death. That thought fueled my rage – which ensured that I never backed down right up till when the police got us to move over to the station. I believe that’s one reason, why I’m alive today, to tell this story.

We Move To The Police Station

At this point, the sergeant asked me to get into my car, and he joined me in the passenger’s side. He instructed Afeetal and Baba, as well as Lagbaja  to join the corporal in the patrol van. Then he told Bibah and the other area boys to join us, so we could go to the station and conduct the search, in a controlled and impartial environment, where the danger of anyone dropping incriminating items into the car would be minimal. As before NOT ONE OF THEM offered to do so.

Instead, the guy who’d claimed I’d once been caught for stealing in Lambe, walked up to my side of the car, and spat the fried fish he was chewing in his mouth, on my body, saying "You’re a thief”. The police sergeant told me to ignore him. With that, we drove off, and arrived the station 5 minutes later.

The sergeant briefed his boss, Inspector Uwodi, about the events that had transpired. After getting us to identify ourselves to him, the Inspector proceeded to grill Afeetal with a series of questions that eventually revealed what I already knew: the fact that she was lying.

It’s not often that one gets to witness the use of intelligent questioning to extract the truth from a respondent. That was a most revealing experience.

Inspector: (to Afeetal) Tell me what happened?

Afeetal: This man (pointing to me), entered my shop with a partner (this was a lie, but she had apparently decided to adopt the twist the area boys had introduced when they saw my shoes in the car, so as to make her story more convincing). “He said he wanted to buy N1, 500 Etisalat recharge card. I told him I only had N1,300 worth. He collected them and then told me to go and buy N200 Etisalat for him. So I went out to buy it for him.

When I returned, someone came to buy MTN card, and I checked my bag, and could not find all my MTN cards. When I told him, he said I should check again. I was still unable to find the card. Then he started hurrying me, telling me I should give him his change that he wanted to leave. And I told him he could not, since he was the one I left in my shop. He tried to leave, so I held his shirt. Then he started beating me (another lie – all I did was try to remove her hands, by applying force, after she’d torn the shirt and repeatedly refused to let go). So, I sent someone to call Baba.

Inspector: You say the man told you to go and buy N200 card for him in another shop?

Afeetal: Yes sir. (Another lie. As stated at the start of my narration, I’d asked her to send the little boy to buy it for me. She surprised me by choosing to go by herself. Looking back, in light of what subsequently happened, she apparently had other things in mind.)

Inspector: And you left your bag containing cards in open view ?

Afeetal: Yes sir.

Inspector: What? So you did not lock it up or take it with you?

Afeetal: No Sir.

Inspector: How long have you been selling recharge cards?

Afeetal: 6 months sir.

Inspector: And you want me to believe that in that time you have not learnt to carefully store away your cards, so that no one can steal them? You want me to believe you did not know it was dangerous to leave your bag of cards open with a stranger alone in your shop?

Afeetal: I don’t know what happened to me Sir. Maybe he used medicine on me. I was not thinking straight. I just went to do what he asked. This thing happened to a friend of mine before. Somebody came to buy a card from her, and all the other cards in her bag disappeared!

(As she spoke, Semif’s wife periodically interjected supporting comments like “Yes it’s true”….”they do it a lot…all these people with Juju powers”.)

Me: Come on, the fact that people have stolen your cards in the past, does not make every person who comes into your shop a thief! (The sergeant motions for me not to interrupt).

Inspector: Hmm (He silently appraises her for a few seconds, then he asks) How many cards were stolen?

Afeetal: All the 30 MTN N100 cards in my bag.

Inspector: Did you have any other cards in the bag?

Afeetal: Yes – Glo, Etisalat, which I sold to the man, and Zain.

Inspector: Were any of the other cards taken?

Afeetal: No. Only the MTN cards.

Inspector: Show me the bag they were in (She holds out the bag, which still has the other mentioned card brands in it). How is it possible that he was able to pick out only the MTN cards from amongst this mixed up collection of cards, without missing out one, or picking up another brand, while avoiding drawing attention to himself?

Afeetal: Ah, I don’t know. You know I said people used to do it. They use black magic. All I know is that when I came back, the MTN cards were gone.

Inspector: Did the man leave the shop while you were away?

Afeetal: Ah. I don’t know O. I was not around.

Sergeant: But the man said Mama was there, and can testify that he did not go out.

Afeetal: Ask Baba, Mama is not well. Ever since she had a stroke, she no longer is aware of her surroundings. (Baba confirms it’s true).

Lagbaga: I was outside the shop when she went to buy the card, and I saw this man (pointing to me) standing in the shop loading his phone with the card credits. I did not see him leave the shop until she came back.

Inspector: (to Afeetal) Did you hear that?

Afeetal: I don’t know if he left the shop. I was not there. All I know is when I came back my cards were gone.

Inspector: Okay. Tell me when did you last purchase MTN recharge cards. And who from?

Lagbaja: There is a woman who supplies me.

Inspector: So you’re sure that if we call your supplier, she will confirm you purchased 30 MTN 100 cards from her?

Afeetal: (looks down, and stammers/starts fidgeting) Ehn, I bought but, but usually I don’t pay for everything. I can pay half and they pay the balance when I finish selling.

Inspector: You know, I’m beginning to wonder if you actually lost any cards.

Afeetal: (Still looking down – makes no response)

Inspector(Turns to the sergeant): Have you searched the man yet ? (pointing to me)

Sergeant: No sir. I wanted us to come and do the searching at the station, because I suspected those area boys could disrupt the whole process, plant incriminating evidence on him or the car, and even steal the man’s things.

Inspector: Okay, take him to the car, and search him, and every part of the car, in the girl’s presence. Make sure she is able to observe the entire process.

Sergeant: (Gives a torch light to Afeetal) Oya, let’s go.

At the car, which is parked on the grounds of the police station.

Sergeant: (turning to me) Okay, please Mr. Tayo, let’s see what you have in your pockets. (To Afeetal), “My sister, please point your light so you can see what we are bringing out. If you see your cards, be sure to say so.”

The process continues for about 30 minutes, during which time my person and the entire car is searched. I make a point of even pointing out other hidden places in the car where I had folders containing documents in which cards could be kept.

Within 15 minutes, it was already obvious to everyone present that we were wasting our time – there was nothing to be found. Indeed, one of the police officers resuming night duty, and  who briefly stopped to see what was happening pointed out that 30 MTN cards would produce a revealing bulge wherever they were kept.

And seeing that most of the items in the car were slim/flat in nature, he opined that there was no need to go through them. The sergeant however insisted on doing it anyway, so as to ensure Afeetal was able to see that nothing was left unchecked. I agreed. When it was all done, Afeetal was asked if she was satisfied that nothing was found. She said YES. We returned to join the Inspector in the office.

Inspector: (to Afeetal) So you did not find the cards on the man, or in his car?

Afeetal: No sir.

The Inspector Decides To Detain Her For Accusing Me Falsely

Inspector: (shakes his head) Let me now tell you something. Going by the answers you have given me, and the fact that nothing was found on this man, I want you to know that you have made a false allegation against this man. That is a serious offence, and you will have to spend the night in cell.

Afeetal: (in a frightened voice) Can I say something?

Inspector: Yes?

Afeetal: This thing has happened before. That’s how one man stole our cards sometime ago, and we did not know until he had left.

My Wife Was Worried Sick

At about the time we arrived the station, my wife had been calling my phone. Not wanting to upset her, by telling her what was going on, I decided not to answer the call. Every 15 minutes or so, she would call back. Each time, I simply let it ring. I could not think of a convincing alternative explanation to give her.

At a point, the police Inspector asked why I did not want to answer the call. I told him. He said it would only make her get more worried. I realized he was right. Not long after, the phone rang again. I checked the time. It was about 9.45pm(over 2 hours since I’d told her I was almost home). I answered the call.

Where are you? I thought you said you were close – is the traffic that bad?” she asked in a worried voice. I told her it was, but that we were making slow progress, and I would soon join her. Hearing the back ground discussions between the police officer and the girl writing the statement, she asked me, who I was with. I told her they were people standing next to the car on the road.

Her answer indicated she did not believe me. She said “Hmm…okay O. You can do what you like.” and hung up. I looked at the police officer, and said “That’s another unpleasant situation this crazy experience has created for me. Now my wife is upset. I still cannot tell her anything, until I’m physically with her, so she does not get unduly worried about my presence in a police station.”

We Make Written Statements

The Inspector gets up. Turning to the Sergeant, he says (pointing to Afeetal) “Let her make a statement in writing. Same applies to the man and the young guy who said he was there” (pointing to me and Lagbaja, as he walked out).

The sergeant proceeded to sit with (the now nervous) Afeetal and helped her through the process of writing her statement. I and Lagbaja were given pen and paper to write our versions of what happened. It was quite amusing to over hear her exchange with the sergeant as she made the statement. When she stated that she was not the one who called Bibah and that she did not know the other 3 guys, the sergeant looked at her, with a smile on his face and said “Really?

She replied in the affirmative. He said “If that’s the truth, go ahead and write it down just as you’ve told me”.

That was such an amusing spectacle for me, because in the statement both myself, and Lagbaja had written, we had both mentioned that she called Bibah! It was obvious to everyone that she was grabbing at straws. And that was just one of many lies she told that night – all of which served to infuriate me so much!

The Relatives Start Pleading On Her Behalf

While we were writing our statement, Semif had arrived and seated himself next to me on the bench near the wall. He watched quietly as Afeetal was being questioned on the table before us. After she was done, he asked her what happened. Once again she told her dishonest version of what happened. Semif then proceeded to explain that Baba had called him on phone that  they had caught someone for stealing Afeetal’s card. He said it was he who had told them to call the police, and not beat or fight anyone, adding that he was surprised to learn on arrival, that his instructions had not been followed. I told him it did not matter, and that the police had played a good role so far.

I bluntly refused to listen to all entreaties by her aged father (Baba) and Semif for well over 30 minutes. The police had advised them that I was the only one who could make them release the girl, so she would not have to stay in detention overnight as required by the law.

Now, I would have had no difficulty agreeing to let her off, but seeing that she went further to tell blatant lies to further incriminate me, I realized she was not remorseful. When I mentioned this to the relatives, they tried to play the religious psychology card.

Baba told me to “consider God”. I asked him: “Did you all think of God when they were hitting me and insulting me back at the shop front, for over 2 hours? Did any of you intervene ? Now that your own relative is about to experience a little hardship, you’re asking me to consider God.”

Baba: Are you a Christian or Muslim?

Me: I have not attended church for over 15 years.

Baba: Really ? So, what do you believe?

Me: I worship the creator – but not the same way as others who call themselves Christians or Muslims. For instance I am sure that Afeetal who falsely accused me tonight, and the guys who assaulted me, if asked, will claim to attend Church or Mosque. Yet, look what they did to me today! I have a personal relationship with God. When this whole scam began, I told them they would be made to answer for their actions. As you can see, the process has already begun. It’s too late to start talking about God. Indeed God himself, in your religious book, says “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” God does not condone evil or dishonesty.

Baba: “But you said I once helped you in 2008…Why not help me today – don’t let her stay in detention overnight.” (I’d told him I recognized him from the night he had let me park my car overnight, outside his house, due to serious traffic jam that went past midnight).

Me: Yes, you helped me. And you’ll notice that I was the one who recognized you, and told you about it, when you came to speak with me, not the other way round. But your daughter’s unrepentant attitude after committing this terrible act against someone’s husband, father, son, and sibling, is not what can be overlooked.

Baba, the fact that a man is good will not be enough reason to let his child go unpunished for a criminal act of this nature, especially when she is not even repentant. Instead she’s told more lies against me in her statement. Is that not evil? Up till now, she has failed to admit she did wrong. If I let her go, does that not mean I am the one who’s guilty? Here’s what I want: Let her come out in the open, and say to everyone, that she lied in the statement she made, and I’ll record it on my phone as proof of my innocence.

Baba: Ah, but that will be very implicating.

Me: But that would be the TRUTH. Your daughter told blatant lies in her statement to the police. She needs to admit that fact. By failing to do that, I’m the one who remains implicated for something I did not do. And I’m determined to correct that injustice. I have a name and reputation to protect!

Baba pleaded, cajoled and employed all kinds of arguments and ploys to get me to tell the police to let her go. When I insisted I would not give in until she confessed and apologized, he made this statement that I will NEVER forget:What is it that has happened to you, that has not happened to anyone before? Don’t you realize it was because she lost money from her sales and was upset about, that she reacted the way she did? Why don’t you have a heart of forgiveness?

Me:  You say what is it that’s happened to me that has not happened to anyone before? You say that to me, even now? This confirms you and your daughter have a lot in common. You have no respect for other people’s feelings. And to cap it all, you are telling me she lost money. How does that justify subjecting an innocent man to the pain and humiliation that I have gone through this night at her hands, and those of her helpers. Baba, you have added insult to the injury. What’s more, only a person who is repentant deserves consideration of forgiveness which you request in a case like this. Your daughter is NOT repentant. Your utterances certainly do not help me to think differently.

I am doing this not just for myself, but for many others who may fall into the same kind of trap. It is my intention – as I told them back at the shop when this began – to use my case to give her and those who joined her in this criminal act, an education to last them a life time. Through me, they will learn to think before they act in future. They will avoid using such dishonest and wicked methods on people they encounter. I am convinced that this experience with me, will save other innocent persons in future from getting assaulted by them in the same manner.  

Turning to the corporal, I saidI have been told the police will release her if I say so. Well, after this extensive discussion with her people, I am convinced the right thing to do is to leave her in detention till tomorrow morning, when we will all re-convene”.

To Baba, I saidIf the police decide to let her go after I leave, I will not complain. However, I assure you, that I WILL take this matter to the next level, which will include notifying the media about my experience, and also sending a formal complaint to the Human Rights Protection Department of the Lagos State Attorney General’s office. The noise I will make about this incident will make many people look bad. I guarantee you! Now, please excuse me. I have to get home to see my wife and explain why it’s taken me an extra 4 hours – instead of 15 to 20 minutes to drive home tonight!

I Drive Home Shirt-Less At 11.30pm

With those words, I got into my car. If you recall, I did not have a shirt on. It was about 11.30pm. As I drove along the dark and deserted road away from the station, I wondered what the security guard at the gate of the residential estate I lived in would think on seeing me looking the way I was. Less than 10 minutes later, I passed through the gate(to his credit, the guard kept his face expressionless).

When my wife opened the door and saw my appearance she gasped in shock, asking what happened. I told her everything. She was incensed. I told her it would be alright, since the police were already taking satisfactory action. Then seeing the food she had prepared for me on the table, I sat down and proceeded to swallow a morsel of Semovita with stew. My mouth exploded with pain. Cuts and bruises on my tongue, and the insides of my mouth made their presence felt in a big way!

Being unsure how bad it was, I decided to take the car and go back on to the road to see if I could get to the hospital to have myself examined or treated. My wife insisted on going with me, and woke the kids, dressed them up, since there was no adult to stay with them.

Thirty minutes later we returned to the house having run into locked gates on the routes we were to follow. We encountered an O.P.C guard carrying a machete and a Dane gun on our way back. After I told him the problem he directed us to a clinic run by a catholic church in the area, but they were not open when we got there.

First Meeting With The D.P.O

By 8.30am the next morning, my wife and I arrived at the station. Semif was already there with the police officers. Afeetal was seated (without shoes), looking quite subdued. The Sergeant asked me what I wanted. I told him I wanted an apology from the girl for wrongly accusing me and telling lies against me even when writing her statement. In addition, I told him I wanted Bibah and the other 3 guys who had assaulted me, to be brought in, made to admit their roles and apologise.

On hearing this he said “Okay. Just wait a bit. We’ll be going to see the big man  soon.” An interesting thing then happened. When my wife saw Semif and his wife, she recognised them both from her visits to the market, where the wife owns a frozen fish shop, and proceeded to give details that confirmed she was right. A small world indeed! 

Baba’s “Suspicious” Role

I put his age between 60 and 65 years. His considerably greyed hair suggested he could be older, but he carried himself like he was younger. All through the drama that took place that night, up till when the police arrived, Baba acted in ways that made me suspect he was acting out a script of sorts. It’s difficult to explain, but on one occasion, when I was fighting back physically and verbally at those who hit and insulted me, he stepped in close to me, and whispered, "Look why don’t you pipe down. Your responding to them is not helping. If you don’t stop, I’ll leave you to your fate!".

To this I replied deliberately in the same loud voice I’d been using, "Baba, you are free to do whatever pleases you. I do not need your help. What I am certain about is that I am not alone in this. Let your conscience guide you. Don’t threaten me by saying you’ll leave me. Do I look like I’m scared of facing these idiots alone? I depend only on my creator in circumstances like this, and I have never lost out by doing so. Please do not bother me anymore!"

About 30 minutes later, we were taken to see the D.P.O. It was a short first visit. Within a few minutes of questioning the girl about how the cards got stolen, the D.P.O said (in Yoruba) “You’re a liar. Just from speaking with you now, it’s obvious to me that you’re not telling the truth…It’s obvious that you just thought you could scare the man into giving you money for the cards. You were trying to make some quick cash.” He then motioned to me.
 
After listening to my account of what happened, he told the Inspector – “I want you to bring that Bibah and those 3 other young men to me. Let them come and explain why they did this to him. This is Lagos. They cannot behave like that here. “ Semif volunteered to take responsibility for bringing Bibah in, saying “He is my cousin.” The D.P.O then asked the Inspector to agree a date/time we would return to see him, with the others. We left, and in the outer office the Inspector set 2pm the next day (Friday) for us to return.

After dropping my wife at home, I decided to visit my parents and inform them of what had happened. My main reason for doing this was that it occurred

to me, that being a small world, there was a possibility that if I waited too long, the news could get to them through some other channel, and the details might be inadvertently twisted. Knowing the psychological trauma that my father (78 years old) and my mother could suffer as a result, I felt it would be better to break the news to them myself, and assure them everything was under control. They put up brave faces, like I knew they would, as I told them the story. My father proposed joining us to see the D.P.O the next day, but I assured him there was no need. He agreed. We had a short prayer session, and I left.

Second Meeting With The D.P.O

The next day at some minutes after 2pm, we met in the D.P.O’s office. I was not surprised to see that Gink and his 2 friends were not brought in. Only Bibah was brought in by Semif. The D.P.O asked Bibah about the other 3 guys. He said he did not know them. I knew he was lying. We all knew. Like I mentioned earlier, the officers themselves knew Gink. I guess they did not want to rock the boat by hunting down Gink and his 2 partners, maybe to avoid offending the politician godfathers Gink and co. worked for. I silently resolved on an alternative way to get them to answer for what they did.

Summary

With my consent secured, the D.P.O instructed Afeetal and Bibah to apologise to me. They did. He then asked the I.P.O. to get their signed undertakings NEVER again to repeat their actions. To be honest, from their sober attitude in the D.P.O’s office, I was already satisfied. However, the police officer made them sign, and sternly informed each one of them, of the consequences they would face, if they got into trouble again.

We all parted amicably, under the circumstances. Handshakes and greetings were exchanged, and I drove, with my wife, to my parent’s to brief them.  When I told my Father that I had taken the pains to secretly use my Blackberry to get video recordings of the proceedings of that day in the D.P.O’s office, he expressed the desire to watch the clips.

So, using the Bluetooth connection setup between my smart phone and his Dell laptop, I transferred the 4 video clips I’d made to the latter. And then for about 30 minutes, we watched the clips. I could see the relief on my parents’ faces.

It was obvious they were glad to see that I’d obtained valuable audio visual proof (showing the faces of ALL the persons involved) of what had transpired . They made sure we had another prayer session before we left J

An Untouchable Gang Leader?

It is instructive to note here that right from the shop front where it all began, I noticed that Gink, who came in a car with his 2 partners, was well known to the police officers themselves. Back at the station, and up till when we were at the D.P.O’s office, he was referred to by name by the officers. They told me he and his partners were notorious in the area, for their bad deeds. I later learnt from asking around, that he enjoyed some protection from certain politicians he ran errands for, especially during the elections. It was then that I understood why even though he had hit me after the police arrived, and gone as far as saying he preferred the O.P.C to the police, neither of the 2 officers had done more than warn him to watch his tongue. They did not wish to cross swords with him. Pity.

I will say here that it’s NOT over. I have my plans to find them. When the time is right, I’ll work that plan. And you can be sure, I’ll announce the results in a similar way. Like I told them that night, nobody can make me afraid of walking the streets in MY country. For years people have told me this attitude could get me killed. I have always told them: I can only die ONCE. Until then, I WILL NEVER be afraid to stand up and fight for my right, no matter whose Ox is gored. I would rather die doing so, than accept to live my life at the mercy of others.

Like I mentioned before, I do this to discourage these kinds of people from repeating their bad habits. When no one challenges them today, it could be YOU or someone you love – your friend, relative or even spouse they attack tomorrow. If they realize NOT everyone will keep quiet out of fear. Or better still, when they discover it is possible for someone to bring them to book, in spite of their connections, they will be more wary of doing business as usual. When more of us learn to INTERVENE, each time we see something wrong happening, we will bring about massive social change.

Final Words

Some people have a habit of trying to be wise after the event. One elderly person told me I should not have stayed in the shop to load the cards. If I had been psychic, I might have known NOT to do so on that day. The fact is that since 2001, I’ve always loaded cards I purchase before leaving the shop/stand, to ensure the seller does NOT accuse me of switching them if one or more fails to work. No one could have foreseen this happening. In the near future, I intend to write a “play” based on THIS event, to be performed at social group gatherings, as part of a public enlightenment campaign/social service.

“If you are weak in crisis, you are weak indeed” – Anon
“It’s not what happens to you that’s important. It’s how you deal with it”

Are You A Social Chameleon? (Read This To Find Out!)

Emotional Intelligence (EI) is a social skill with a number of key dimensions that can be used to assess any person in a bid to gauge his or her proficiency or competence with respect to that ability. No one is "born" with a fixed EI. You can develop your EI by learning.

NB: To truly understand the concept of Emotional Intelligence (of which being a "Social Chameleon" is a dimension), I urge you to read the book by Daniel Goleman titled "Emotional Intelligence".

(Originally published online on 4th October 2010)

One important dimension of EI is "Interpersonal Effectiveness" i.e. the ability to get along with others – including people you do not like".

Now, this is why EI is a skill that has to be learned. Not everyone can manage to see this through (i.e. getting along with others) successfully. Yet, learning how to do so, could determine how successful one will be in life – especially if one chooses to function in a social environment that places high premium on that dimension of EI.

Getting along with others requires one to make positive/good impressions on people they interact with. It requires being able to quickly determine what those they relate with "like" or are "interested" in, so as to skillfully/subtly align themselves in a way that makes such persons "think or feel" you share similar likes or interests.

Those who are able to master this skill of "Effective Impressions Management", quite often achieve their goal of having successful relationships with many different kinds of people, in different social environments. And in many cases, this ability helps them succeed in professions/vocations such as – acting, trial law, sales, diplomacy, and politics – where one may find him/herself having to relate with person(s) s/he dislikes.

They consequently become "Social Chameleons" – persons able to change or adapt themselves more or less at will to suit the social environment they find themselves in.

It’s Good To Be A Social Chameleon But BAD To Be A "Dishonest" One!


"Another, perhaps more crucial kind of
self-monitoring seems to make the difference between
those who end up as anchorless social chameleons, trying to
impress everyone, and those who can use their social polish
more in keeping with their true feelings. – Daniel Goleman
.

We have instances when someone with this ability to become a Social Chameleon takes it to the negative extreme, where s/he begins to apply it without "integrity". In other words, she does it without being true to his/her inner values. I mean, when s/he becomes DUPLICITOUS – deliberately showing one face to the world, while hiding his/her true self on the inside, with a view to DECEIVING and MANIPULATING others for ulterior benefits.

At this point s/he would have become an ANCHORLESS Social Chameleon!

In case you still have not gotten it, the ANCHORLESS Social Chameleon is the person who uses his/her interpersonal skill/"social polish" in a DISHONEST way, so as to exploit those s/he relates with. Another word for it, as earlier mentioned is DUPLICITY – the quality of being TWO-FACED (Not Idibia the Nigerian music star O!), or "speaking from both sides of the mouth".

You NEVER know what people like this really believe or stand for – especially on ethical or moral issues.

In society, they are the people who jump from one political party platform to another at the slightest hint that better fortunes can be had from doing so. Today, they are speaking in support of one cause, and tomorrow against it. It’s often about them and how what they do ultimately benefits them. They use their skills to assess which of two or more opposing groups has the greatest chance of winning, and skillfully play themselves up to where they’ll benefit the most.

When people like this exist in large numbers in any society, quite often REAL development, or positive changes that can benefit the larger majority, take longer to happen. This is because in such places, selflessness tends to be a quality that is abhorred. The few who are willing to act selflessly in that manner will frequently find themselves getting used by such anchorless social chameleons, to get ahead – leading to the former’s frustration!

Any social group or organisation that wishes to develop and progress (be it a company, family, association, or nation) needs to ensure that its members are "coached" as early as possible in life to (as Daniel Goleman put it) "use their social polish more in keeping with their true feelings…" so that they can act in accordance with their "deepest feelings and values no matter what the social consequences".

Summary

Everyone has the ability to LEARN or DEVELOP his/her EI. So long as a child is given early coaching towards identifying and developing the various dimensions of EI, she will over time grow into a socially competent adult – one able to engage in reasonably balanced – and successful – interactions with others.

What I have however found important to focus on, with respect to this important "meta" ability, is that having EI should not be used by ANYONE as an excuse to be "insincere or duplicitous", in order to be "popular".

In a couple of instances, I have had certain individuals express the opinion that another person was not acting with EI, because that person refused to compromise on certain fronts with them. Or maybe s/he was unwilling to grant them certain concessions they requested. Does that really mean a person is NOT Emotionally Intelligent? Are we to believe that Emotionally Intelligent people are those who do NOT say NO to other people’s requests?

My answer, which I know is the right answer to the above questions is NO. Being Emotionally Intelligent does NOT mean you will no longer be able to say NO to people who ask you to do something you do NOT want to do – especially if you are CONVINCED you have a good reason not to.

Indeed, I would say that the onus falls on the other person to ASK you why you are saying NO – especially if you had not done so in the past. Assuming that you, as the person asking a favour, are the only one with valid needs that require priority attention is a MASSIVE lapse of Emotional Intelligence. Why is this so? Get Goleman’s book, and read it to find out.

Final Words

So, now that you’ve read this, let’s go back to my question-format title : Are You a Social Chameleon?

If your answer is YES, I congratulate you on having that level of self-mastery that is sure to open doors for you, in your relationships with others.

HOWEVER – and this is important – it is crucial that you stay alert to the need to avoid crossing over to the extreme negative end of this ability scale, where you begin to function without EMOTIONAL INTEGRITY. Fail to do this, and you will become the ANCHORLESS Social Chameleon described above – which could cause you major embarrassment if another person – possibly a "Social Chameleon" with integrity – decides to take you up!

Visit the links below for more on Emotional Intelligence and "Social Chameleons":

1. http://opajdara.wordpress.com/2008/10/07/social-chameleon-may-pay-emotional-price/

2. http://blog.gaiam.com/quotes/authors/daniel-goleman/57843

What Are You Like When Things Don’t Go The Way You Want?

Last week I had what I believe many people would consider a potentially traumatizing series of experiences. Like I told a mentor of mine, I could write a small book about all the things that tried sooo hard to go wrong…but which I stretched myself to (successfully) "save"…honestly!

What Are You Like When Things Go Wrong For You?

For instance, when your carefully made plans all seem to fall apart and everything appears to be working against you. This is something that will happen more than once to most people at various points in their lives.

The big question is how will YOU react when it happens to you? The answer you give when there is no crisis around to test you, may – or may not – reflect what your actual reaction will be when such a situation does occur.

And that’s why I’ll ask you to give that question plenty of thought – reflect deeply on it –as you read this post.

A New Buyer’s Request Triggers a Crisis – For Me!

Let me now share a little bit of the crisis I went through last week with you. Note that my purpose for doing so is NOT to make myself look like some kind of super hero or Ninja warrior.

Instead, my objective for doing this is to demonstrate that iron will and determination backed by relentless persistence and focus can defeat virtually any kind of adversity one may find him/herself in.

In other words, if you find yourself in a crisis, understand that you CAN emerge from it better off, if you do not cave in under the physical and/or psychological pressure it brings to bear on you.

I spent the latter part of last week right through the weekend, battling connectivity and smart phone issues (my Blackberry’s charging point broke!) that threatened to keep me from updating my blog…and more importantly from fulfilling an order for my Excel-VB Livestock Ration Formulator from a new client in Canada!

The gentleman had spoken with me on phone for over 15 minutes explaining that he had watched my video demonstration for the software (http://youtube.com/watch?v=5YWbqmh0MpA on my Youtube channel at http://youtube.com/user/TKSolagbadeSDAc), and that he was convinced it would be useful for feed formulation for animals on their network of farms.

Thursday night (11p.m Nigerian time), I sent him details of how to make payment.

Less than one hour after, he had replied my email saying he had made the $63 payment!

By The Next Morning When I Confirmed His Payment, I Had 2 Problems:

When we’d spoken on phone, I’d established that he knew I was based, in Nigeria. I liked the fact that (as I later told him), he acknowledged hearing a lot about scams, and was still convinced enough to want to proceed.

That made me doubly determined to ensure nothing stopped me from getting the spreadsheet app to him within 24 hours as promised.

But I soon discovered that I had a few serious problems to contend with:

1. My blackberry smart phone’s battery was too weak and could not be charged – due to the broken charging point. The guys who do delicate repairs of this kind were based at the PC village – 40 minute drive away. But that day being a Friday, traffic to that end was a bit prohibitive. This meant I could not use it as a modem to browse on my laptop.

2. To make things worse that morning, when I stepped out, I discovered THREE of my car’s four tyres knife-slashed, right where it was parked the night before. (Details of how this happened will be the subject of a different post. Suffice to say here that I felt like someone kicked me in between the legs when I made that discovery!).

That made it more difficult to go hunting for fuel with which to run the generator, so that I could prepare a personalized version of the app for the buyer!

At This Point I KNEW It Was Going To Be One of Those Heartbreakingly Tough Days

So, I zeroed my mind and walked into a neighbourhood cafe where I did my gallant best to endure the ordeal of punching the keyboard (which was caked with dust) to download a copy I’d made for an earlier buyer, and send as attachment to the client.

Thankfully, after a few time out error reports, the email eventually went through and the client confirmed downloading it successfully later at night. 

Forty eight hours later, he wrote to say he was finding the use of the app “interesting” as he was getting results along the lines he’d expected.

Only then did it feel safe "touching" the money he sent…if you know what I mean :-)

Today We’re Taking Our Relationship Further

This buyer told me he manages a network of self-sustaining agro based communities for an international organization with branches in many countries (but "not yet" in Nigeria).

He’s just given me the go ahead, to make references to examples he provided in his emails to me (and quote him where appropriate), in a new write-up I’m doing that’s been inspired by his description of how they operate their entreprises.

I consider their approach a viable model for our agro based societies in Africa. And I plan to use my write-up to build a case for communities or groups out here, to achieve more self sufficiency regardless of government ineptitude by adopting a similar method.

I’m sure you’ll agree with me that his above willingness may have been influenced by the fact that I fulfilled my promise of getting his ordered application to him as and when due.

If You Can Learn To Laugh At Yourself, You’ll Master Adversity!

I hope I’ve made you smile/laugh a bit with my "things fall apart" anecdote :-)

The truth is that even while I was going through the above problems and trying to resolve them, I constantly poked fun at myself, to the surprise of those around me e.g the café operators.

In most cases I readily told them what had happened to me, and how I was trying to find a way to achieve my goal regardless of those negative occurrences. Then I would find ways to highlight anything that had happened, that I could tell a joke about.

Someone expressed concern that I seemed to have had an unhealthily ample visitation of bad happenings for one person.

Here’s what I told her:

“I’ve gone WAY beyond the stage when any such experience can bother me in any way. Infact, I use them a lot in the talks I give, and even in my daily interactions, as well as my write-ups to share insights about overcoming adversity to achieve my goals NO MATTER WHAT.

I feel bad that you see what happened to me the way you have. For me, such experiences only make me stronger. And I welcome them whenever they choose to "occur", because I know I’ll win and be better off at the end.

That’s why I can always reflect on them and laugh quite heartily like I did this evening while sharing with my sister-in-law, who’s visiting Lagos.”

Final Words

As I write this, not only have I succeeded in winning the trust and confidence of a new international client, but I have also resolved ALL the other problems that reared their heads during that period.

And no one can tell from looking at me that I went through such a rough patch recently.

But I know that I’m a stronger person NOW, than I was before I had those experiences.

To achieve goals you set for yourself, resolve to NEVER let yourself crack under the pressures imposed by adversity or hardships. They will always be temporary in nature.

Therefore when things are not going the way you want, “steel yourself” as Burt Dubin would say. And make sure you ride that storm with a smile on your face, even as you work hard to turn things around for the better. You’ll succeed faster – and better – by so doing.

Ten Practical Steps You Can Take To Help YOUR Child Discover His/Her Purpose In Life

Many adults/parents today have a natural interest in – and love for – a different kind of vocation from that which they are currently engaged in. The problem is some FEAR that trying to make a change might require more effort than they believe they could possibly put in.

Others worry about how to care for their families while making the transition – especially where it has to do with giving up steady income for a period(like I did when I quit a bright career future with a corporate multinational to start my own business).

I have personally vowed not to let any of my kids suffer the needless pains of self-discovery I had to go through. Instead, I believe I should put my knowledge of what worked or did not work for me (it could work for my kids) at my kids’ disposal.

Then I would periodically discuss with them about how they can adopt my approach or evolve a better one. In this article I share some of my ideas with any parent(s) who also want to help their kids achieve self-discovery.

 

(This article was originally written in 2003, and published online in 2006. It is one of twenty-five(25) contained in Tayo Solagbade’s Ebook titled “25 Articles/True Stories On Self-Development, Entrepeneuring & Web Marketing To Help You Succeed More Often)

Some of the ideas I share in this article have been influenced or inspired, in part, by my study of Robert Kiyosaki’s writings in three of his books: “Rich Dad, Poor Dad”, “Rich Kid, Smart Kid”, and “If You Want To Be Rich And Happy, Don’t Go To School?”.

So, What Qualifies Me To Write On This Subject?

I (like you) was once a child myself. I grew up with many questions running through my mind. Why does this have to be this way? What makes it impossible to do that? Why shouldn’t I try using another method? Some I got answers to. Some I did not. Some answers were satisfactory. Others were not. I chose to explore further to find more/better answers to my questions. That search eventually led me into the work I now do today on Self-Development Education.

Some adults (and even my peers) discouraged me from being too inquisitive or asking too many questions. Others encouraged me to do the opposite. Some even advised me to avoid making mistakes if I wanted to be successful! Now that one really bugged me. How on earth could one become so good to the point that she would never make mistakes? I knew it wasn’t possible, yet I couldn’t challenge this adult because he was older – and by the culture I was born into (supposedly) “knew better”.

I also discovered one painful truth: That I never really exploited my relationship with my parents/other adults to gain valuable insight into what it would take to succeed in life as an adult by tapping from their experiences. But then, my parents belonged to a generation who did not think it necessary to bother children with too many details of their childhood experiences. As I was to later discover, some parents – especially those in the city – even assume you’re learning just by watching them. A very wrong assumption indeed!

Hence, we found that our peers brought up in the village, who attended school with us always came across as more “mature” (bearing “old heads on young shoulders”), whenever we interacted. The reason: The old people in the village had passed timeless wisdom/insights to them through prolonged the periods of contact they had. They thus became “wiser” about “life” much quicker than those of us who grew up in the “city”.

This is why I have a special focus in my work on influencing the thinking about HOW education should be provided to children/youths in general. It is my belief that if parents can take a more active role in influencing their children’s development, the latter will respond with much better performances than ever recorded. What I am now doing by writing articles, as well as offering Self-Development/Performance Enhancement Talks/Seminars and Coaching programs, is to facilitate that process by sharing my ideas (and those of others I have studied) on how it can be achieved.

Adults Need To Actively Coach Their Kids Towards Succeeding In Society/Life

A society only truly succeeds when its new members(children) learn what it takes to survive and flourish in it like the adults that arrive ahead of them. A lion cub that grows up in a pride of lions roaming the African savannah, is unlikely to go hungry from the lack of hunting prowess the way its orphaned cousin raised by humans could.

The same analogy can be applied to humans. With proper coaching by adults who have the right mix of knowledge, skills and experience, children can be prepared well ahead for most of the decisions they have to take and/or challenges they will encounter in life.

The result would be a dramatic increase in their capability for achieving success in life.

Here Are Ten(10) Practical Steps I Believe Parents Can Take To Help Their Kid(s) Achieve Self-Discovery

1. Encourage A Thinking/Reading Habit. In certain cultures, young people are often required to be in awe of adults. The Yoruba tribe(to which I belong) for instance have a naughty saying that translates literally to mean: “why else am I older than you, if not to take advantage of you”! Another which irks me even more is: “Adults don’t tell lies”! (Where?? I ask… In Heaven??).

Of course the children in society see the blatant contradictions in these sayings propagated by (and for the benefit of) these adults. They won’t be deceived – not in today’s world. What is worse – they’ll lose faith in the adults who use such sayings to justify denying them of what they (the children) want/rightfully own.

A healthy reading/thinking habit that taps knowledge from other cultures, is a good way of helping a child develop a broad perspective of life. The understanding that results from this, will enable the child easily break away from stereotyped thinking in order to discover her real purpose in life. If nothing else, reading stories about the lives and achievements of people from other parts of the world will help break the psychological myths/limitations that might be forced upon the child in her own immediate environment. Consequently, her acceptance of what is impossible will be very limited – if at all.

2. Provide New And Varied Experiences. Be deliberate. Have a plan, and make it structured. The objective must be to get the child to have specific experiences that will teach specific USEFUL lessons. Think back to your childhood and the growing up years you had. Recall your own mistakes, which taught you so much. Share them with your child and urge her to be unafraid of exploring and making mistakes too.

For instance, whenever possible, I jump at every opportunity to take my kids with me wherever I go, so they can get a feel for the work I’m engaged in. Deliberately involve them in different areas of your personal and work life whenever you find it convenient. Give them a peek into your world. That just might give them the “edge” much later in life amongst peers/colleagues.

Those short moments of close interaction do wonders for children(I know because I used to be one, and I know how I felt, when I had such experiences. What about you?. Most importantly, providing opportunities for varied experiences will equip the child to compare and contrast intelligently, later in life, in trying to come to a decision.

3. Respect The Child’s Intelligence/Experience. You must respect your child’s intelligence and experience -no matter how little you think she has. Some parents think they must not let their children challenge what they are told. In the process, the natural inquisitiveness of the child gets stifled. This does immeasurable damage to the child psychologically.

By repeatedly shouting a child who voices an opinion down, you make her feel inadequate and when amongst her peers, she shows this in form of a lack of self-confidence. If you want your child to successfully discover herself, you must treat her with respect. If you want her to develop a healthy level of self-esteem, make her feel valued. Show respect for her opinion. People who do not believe in themselves often struggle to decide what they want to do – tending to get easily swayed by what others think or say.

Those parents that decide for their children what courses of study to pursue are setting their children up for likely failure or themselves (the parents) for future embarrassment. I recall discussing with a father who said he told his son to take Additional Mathematics in a Pre-University Admission exam because he (the father) never passed the subject in school, and he believed he needed to make his son pass it, because it was “important”.

The son on the other hand confided in me that he had no interest whatsoever in the subject, having opted for commercial studies. It is very unwise and unfair to try living out your fantasies through your children. You cannot correct the mistakes of your own life, by making your children live the life you believe you ought to have lived.

4. Help Find/Protect The Child’s Genius. Most children are born with special skills or abilities, which if quickly identified and nurtured will help the child. Spend time with your child. Watch her closely. Ask questions and offer suggestions so you can gradually tease out the unique gift your child has. Every child has something special to offer this world. I don’t need to be a child psychologist to know that – I was once a child too…So were you!

5. Develop A Close Relationship Based On Sharing. Especially sharing YOUR own mistakes and what you learnt from them. Don’t tell them you always came first in class. Today’s kids are much smarter :-).

They know when you’re telling them “untruths” (for your benefit I won’t call them “lies” – which is what they really are…Oops, sorry!) Then again, why teach them the wrong thing? Don’t we often learn much more from mistakes we make, than we do from other experiences we have? The reason is simple: Mistakes hurt more. The “sting” – in our memory – is sharper, so we remember better – which means learning achieved is longer lasting as a result.

Learn to tell them about your mistakes. You’ll find they’ll thank you for it because then they’ll grow up knowing it’s not abnormal to make mistakes or be wrong. So long as the mistakes are not about the same thing every single time.

“I have made mistakes, but I have never made the mistake of claiming I never made one”
– James Gordon Bennett (1841 – 1918) Journalist 

6. Teach The Child To View Adversity As An Opportunity To Grow. This will help eliminate fear of intelligent risk-taking or experimentation. It will also aid the process of sorting out exactly which of the fancied vocations she wants to pursue seriously in life.

Some adults believe that visitations of adversity are consequences of prior wrongdoing by the affected person. This is very often not necessarily the case. A little unbiased reading about the experiences of well known successful people will reveal (as pointed out by James Cook in his book “The Startup Entrepreneur”) that the eventual level of success achieved is often proportional to the extent of suffering undergone by a person.

It has been said that every adverse experience carries with it the potential for achievement of equivalent or greater benefits. This foregoing phrase has been proven to be true in the lives of so many well-known and successful people. It continues to prove true today, now – in my own life too. I experienced it in my first few years as a Trainee Manager, and I always ended up looking back with gratitude to those periods of hardship/adversity. My experiences away from paid employment tell me the same thing. I am convinced of the accuracy of this statement.

That’s why I can tell you will full conviction that you can teach your child to view difficulty, hardships, and setbacks as very useful experiences, which often prepare one for future great achievements. But then after you’ve told the child all that, you MUST walk your talk. You must show by your actions that you believe it; else your words will mean nothing to the child afterwards. If you can’t do THAT, then don’t even start this!

Let me repeat myself. If you want to successfully teach your child to view adversity as a useful experience, that will equip her to achieve her purpose, you MUST be prepared to show her FIRST that you also believe it.

7. Find Out What Makes Her Tick. Develop an interest in what interests your child. Watch the child frequently and try to discover what activities seem to interest/excite her naturally. What does she often show enthusiasm for, and never seem to get bored with or tired of doing?

Once you notice it, try and encourage her to explore further. As appropriate buy other toys, gifts, books etc to further stimulate her interest. It doesn’t matter if the interest later dies off, and the child moves on to something else. It’s not the specific activity that’s important at this stage. Rather, it’s the experiences that are being acquired. All this initial “nourishing” will later bear good fruits as the child grows older and gains better sense of discernment/direction.

8. Nurture Your Child’s Self-Esteem : Resist the temptation – or rid yourself of the desire – to use your children to impress your peers, colleagues, friends, relatives or rivals. If you are not sure if this “ailment ” afflicts you, let me list a few symptoms that are sure-signs of its presence:

a. You choose to put them in a specific school because you do not want xyz to think you cannot afford a school as good as the one she sends her kids to.

b. You buy expensive clothes for your kids in order to make sure xyz’s kids don’t “out class” them.

c. In general, your decision to do anything for(or to) your kids is often determined by how you think it will make you look “better” or avoid being outdone by others you feel you need to impress or keep up with.

As you will have noticed, none of the above listed symptoms has anything to do with your child. They are all about you – the parent! Search yourself. If you think that you are guilty in any way of even ONE of the above, make a change today.

Children, as earlier stated, watch us adults more closely than we realise – especially comparing how what we say conforms to what we do. And they subsequently act accordingly, based on their observations. If your kids notice that you like to “keep up with the Joneses”, they are likely to develop an appetite for similar behaviour.

Once a person begins comparing herself to others, she stands a chance of losing her sense of individuality/self-esteem. A person who lacks self-esteem is VERY unlikely to WANT to discover her purpose in life, talk less of pursuing it. People who lack self-esteem often never want anything for themselves(and hardly ever believe they can achieve anything worthwhile on their own) – instead preferring to find out what so and so wants, and then deciding that they also want it.

There is a quote that underscores the need to avoid developing this kind of mentality:

“You were born an original. Don’t die a copy!” – Anon

9. Do Not Hesitate To Be Firm: Covering up your child’s bad habits or condoning laziness will not help her discover her true purpose in life easily. An environment devoid of corrective guidance from adults with the right orientation can be harmful. Every once in a while, it will be necessary to put your foot down, and discipline your child when s/he goes astray.

I will never forget the instances when my parents had to thrash me for stealing from my mother’s purse, getting suspended from school and other naughty acts. The memory of how upset they were on each occasion, stayed with me right into my adulthood, and made it VERY easy for me to decide whether or not to join others who wanted to be naughty every where else I found myself.

If I had not gotten that corrective feedback (sometimes painfully) handed back to me, I am certain I would never have gone on to discover myself as I eventually did. This last point is probably the most important you will need to bear in mind. Your child, without adequate exposure to appropriate discipline, will find it difficult to develop the focus needed to discover herself. You therefore have an obligation, as a parent, to provide it.

10. Seek Professional Counsel. I would be treading dangerously if I did not add this! I make no claim to being an “expert” in this field. There are people who are trained to give advice on these matters. So, please ask the advice of child education experts – and the kid(s) teacher(s) too!

Some words of caution!

In doing the above, however, I suggest that you try to be sensitive to two probable shortcomings of some of the people we call “experts” – who are first and foremost human beings themselves:

1. Henry Ford reportedly distrusted experts, believing they were too familiar with the reasons that something could not be done.

“The moment one gets into the expert state of mind, a great number of things become impossible” – Henry Ford

2. James Cook wrote that sometimes those we ask for advice(e.g “Experts”) will give us responses based on whether what THEY think you wish to do(or the implications of it) will have positive or negative consequences for them(as I said “They’re human!”).

One example: As a child, Daley Thompson had an aptitude for combining many activities – and tended not to really be fully engaged if he had to focus on just one. His teachers in school thought this meant he had ADD(Attention Deficit Disorder), but the parents(thankfully) refused to accept that and challenged the school to engage the young child’s energies appropriately. The rest is history – Daley Thompson went on to become World Decathlon champion, holding the title for more than a decade.

Following from the above, I will end by saying that in exploring ways to give your child a head start in life, you might want to focus on discovering what works, and not just what someone else thinks will not. Maybe you’ll end up being the one (or one of those) who discovers the better way of doing it. If you fail to give it a try, you – and YOUR child – stand to lose more than you are likely to gain.

When Should I Start Doing These Things?

A question might arise: What age should the child be when one starts to do this? Again, I believe it’s not possible to say with any degree of certainty. Oprah Winfrey once had a number of unusually gifted/successful child geniuses on her show, some as young as 5 years old (and I think even younger!). Most were already earning huge amounts of income because of special skills or talents discovered early, and nurtured by their parent(s). So I would say, “start as soon as you notice the earlier described tell-tale signs in your child”.

Let me also make this important point: If you TRULY love your child, spending quality time with him/her will certainly NOT be a boring or difficult experience for you – no matter how busy you are!

Robert Kiyosaki suggests in one of his books that parents look for ways to make their kids desire to learn, instead of forcing them to do so, when they are not ready. You need to find the way that each child prefers to learn, and use it to pass on whatever new knowledge/skills you want him to acquire. Then you need to encourage the child to apply that knowledge – and not be afraid to make mistakes at first. Again, I speak based on personal experience with my own kids, when I say this!

How Will You Know When Your Child Has Found Her Purpose?

So, how will you know when (or whether) you’ve succeeded in achieving your goal of helping your child discover her raison d’etre (as the French would say) i.e. her reason for being; her purpose on earth…her Magnificent Obsession. This, as I explained in my self-help manual titled “Ten Ways You Can Use Self-Development To Create The Future You Want” will be that which if achieved would make a person confirm to a reporter interviewing her on her death bed that she has – in her opinion – lived a fulfilled life, and has no regrets about some other thing(s) she could have given a try, or done better!

I make no pretences that this is not a difficult question to answer. It is so for many reasons. Mainly however is the fact that human beings generally go through various phases in life as they grow/mature over time. Today the burning issue for a person might be politics, tomorrow it could be religion.

But let me be more direct: Your child will be starting the process described above much earlier (i.e. if you do what I propose). The advantage she will have will be the opportunity to carefully evaluate the identified/available options over time – almost at leisure.

Hopefully, with proper guidance from adults/parents, she will eventually settle for a number of activities and later gravitate towards a key specialty, passion, or vocation. Whichever way one looks at it, such a child would have been better prepared for the possible challenges of the future than many of us were at the same age.

I wish you well as you begin to invest personally – and more consciously – in your child’s future

It’s Okay To Be Human: So Take Risks, Make Mistakes, and Feel the Joy of REAL LEARNING!

What’s holding you back from going out and doing those things you’ve dreamt about for so long? Do you yearn to explore a new line of work, a new business, a different course of study, a new sport?

Are you afraid that having to venture into the entirely new field you’re interested in could be a difficult, painful or embarrassing experience for you? Does the thought of making mistakes, and possibly getting laughed at, or talked about bother – or terrify – you?

Well, I can assure you that many other people share similar concerns to yours. And that has been so since the earliest days of human existence.

The human being’s capacity to feel shame and experience embarrassment is very well developed. Our societies train us to be concerned about how others see us. We always want to create favourable impressions about ourselves. And to be seen faltering, falling over, or appearing NOT to be savvy in any way is something we naturally avoid.

Unfortunately, the above orientation in itself creates a problem. The is because just like when we were babies, the learning process requires the making of mistakes – and correcting them then making them again, UNTIL we master the activity we are engaged in. That means if we want to become better, and improve ourselves, we will often need to experience some embarrassing mistake making – at the least.

You Cannot Pre-Determine How Long Your Learning Will Take

You cannot set a specific date and time when you must achieve your intended success in a specific activity.

What you CAN do is to plan to achieve it at a specific date or time. But you must also realise that a number of factors might make it difficult for you to do so.

That is not to say that you will not sometimes set targets of the sort and achieve them. I am just trying to warn you that if you blindly insist that you MUST achieve it when you plan to, but unfortunately find you cannot, you might be too devastated to pick yourself up and continue.

Sometimes our plans might not be good enough to lead us where we want to go. We might need to “refocus” in order to better direct our efforts.

In such circumstances, our previous target dates/times or milestones would be affected. This will not mean we have failed – except we have wrongly forced ourselves to believe that no other date would be acceptable.

"Accept course changes. You may find yourself up blind alleys. You may encounter insurmountable obstacles. You may have to travel another route to your objective" – Burt Dubin

Thinking You Can Plan To Avoid Every Possible Mistake Is A Big Mistake

There are people who would rather experience what is called "analysis paralysis", than take the risk of going out and doing something new without being 100% certain ahead of time, that they will succeed at it.

The truth however is that if the creator of the human race had wanted us to be infallible, he would have made us perfect!

Lee De Forest in describing setbacks he encountered during his business startup experiences reportedly said:

 “Most of the difficulties I encountered couldn’t have been forecast; they always managed to catch me by surprise…There were times when I felt I had gone my limit. Some of my setbacks were stunners. It seemed as if I couldn’t get the stamina to start again. But every time, when I had studied things over a little, I would find a way out. No matter how hopeless things look, there is always a way out, if you look for it hard enough.” – Lee De Forest (inventor of the vacuum tube that made modern radio broadcasting possible)" –

You Alone Must Take Responsibility for Your Failures or Mistakes

Some people are quick to blame “the devil” or “enemies” (e.g. people in the “village” J ) for setbacks and disappointments they encounter.

If you really want to get ahead in any area of your life, the most important thing you’ll need to do is accept that YOU – and only YOU – are responsible for whatever befalls you. It would be naïve to put that kind of power in the hands of any other person(s).

Once you accept that fact, the next line of action you need to take will become obvious: personal action to achieve your desired goals.

You will no longer wait around for people to set things up for you. Instead you will be driven to explore and discover ways and means of making things happen for you. And where possible, you will accept the support of willing others to get to your destination.

It goes without saying that to do the above you will accept that temporary defeat, disappointments, mistakes and other forms of adversity, will come your way. As long as you remember to externalize your failures (i.e. don’t take them personal, and never feel – or let anyone make you feel – that you are a failure), you’ll eventually achieve your goal.

Always remember: It’s okay to be human. And if you’re only human, you’re bound to make mistakes every now and then. What’s important is being courageous enough to learn from those mistakes and become a better person.

NIGERIA: New EBook for Writers Uncovers 10 Often Overlooked Habits Keeping Many from Achieving Their Writing Goals

For Immediate Release: November 10, 2012

View Tayos video tutorials and demonstrations on Facebook Productivity Tips, Web Marketing, and for his Custom MS Excel-VB driven software applicationsConnect with Tayo on LinkedIn.comConnect with Tayo on Facebook.comConnect with Tayo on Twitter.comConnect with Tayo on Google Plus

IKEJA, Lagos — As natural writing becomes more important in online marketing, smart business owners are trying to get more writing done for their websites and blogs – but many are finding it harder to keep new content coming, and this worries them.

Like Tayo Solagbade – owner of Self-Development Academy’s SD Nuggets™ blog said, “Google’s recent algorithm changes now make it possible to use your writing to achieve great marketing reach and impact online. If you’re struggling to write however, you will not be able to maximize this excellent opportunity to achieve timeless marketing exposure at low to zero cost.

This problem can however be dispelled by “Why You Keep Failing To Achieve Your Writing Goals!” (Self-Development Academy – http://www.sdacademy.org), a new ebook which identifies ten habits holding most writers back, and how to eliminate them.

Click here to get a FREE 2 Chapter Preview

Andrea Ayemoba (editor at Africabusinesscommunities.com) said “(It is) a rare blend of great information and good humour, Tayo talks to his readers as opposed to instructing them.

Tayo Solagbade, the author, is a performance enhancement specialist and multipreneur (http://www.spontaneousdevelopment.com) whose ten years of multidisciplinary experience writing for clients – in real estate, audiology, interior design, entrepreneurship, farm business, web marketing, public speaking, and career development – enabled him identify the habits he describes.

Many usually assume writer’s block is responsible for their inability to write. The truth is that 99% of the time, the reasons you struggle to write have to do with something(s) YOU are doing wrong…or that YOU need to do differently. Once you get that right, you’ll be amazed at the output you’ll achieve” said Solagbade, who publishes a minimum of one blog post daily – on six different categories.

As Solagbade describes each habit, readers will:

  • Learn why having a Magnificent Obsession is crucial to writing success
  • Discover simple strategies for overcoming the so-called writer’s block
  • Understand how being “too organised” can make their writing less productive
  • Appreciate how a physical exercise regimen can double their writing output
  • Be given practical tips to stop procrastinating about their writing goals

As Solagbade said “The problem with ‘writing’ is that it can seem so easy to do – and only after getting into it, do most business owners discover a different reality. This ebook provides useful guidance to any writer faced with that challenge.

The ebook includes a download link to a detailed bonus report titled “6 Proven Techniques (and 9 Strategies) You Can Use To Start & Finish Writing ANYTHING!

While there are many books providing writing advice, Solagbade – who is also the author of the Self-Development (SD) Bible™ & Livestock Feed Formulation Handbook – uncovers simple but frequently overlooked causes of writing failure, and suggests practical strategies to overcome them.

This is a magnificent piece of writing” said Burt Dubin, Creator of the Speaking Success System (http://speakingsuccess.com)

free 2 chapter PDF preview can be downloaded from the SD Nuggets™ Blog at http://www.sdacademy.org.

CONTACT:
Tayo Solagbade
7 Adesina Close, Ojodu,
Ikeja, Lagos – Nigeria
Tel: 234-803-302-1263
Email: tayo@tksola.com

# # #

Is It RIGHT To Do Wrong, So As To Fulfill FAMILY Obligations?

[This post is based on excerpts from an original piece that was published online by Tayo Solagbade as a PDF download on his Facebook profile on 9th May 2012]

No. Under NO circumstances is it right, to do wrong, in order to fulfill one’s obligations. Any thinking being knows this. Yet, some do it.

I elaborate below, and offer some insights.

Over the past ten years, I have come across what appears to be an increasing number of people (adults) who are prepared to completely discount their morals and values, if doing so will secure material and financial gratification they seek.

The Values System I Was Raised To Uphold Is The Opposite

Recently, I posted the following on my Facebook wall:

======
WARPED VALUES:To prove he is a man, he joins in the un-godly (and dishonest) practices of giving bribes, issuing inflated invoices etc, to win jobs. When his "friend" tells him it’s not right, he retorts that it’s impossible to beat the corrupt system – AND that he will not let himself be thought of as being incapable of providing for his family. Yet, he tells his kids: "With God, All Things Are Possible!" – and routinely makes them attend religious worship with him.
======

 

The above is based on my personal experiences and observations. Many people who ordinarily would never have stooped to corruption, were driven to it because of the kind of reasoning stated above.

In many cases, their spouses got to a point, at which they could no longer endure the hardship arising from their husbands trying to stay honest and upright in their business dealings.

So the wives began to pressure them, by pointing out how others were doing it, and getting on quite well. Eventually, the husbands succumbed and joined the growing army of irresponsible monsters who now do almost anything to get money, even if it means denying others what is theirs, in the process.

Nothing I’m Saying Here Is New…

Tunde Fagbenle, the Sunday Punch Newspaper Columnist regularly provides entertaining references that prove what I’m saying is true.

Crooked minded and lazy people now exist in the majority in certain climes, and naturally want things done their way. Any person they discover to be unwilling to play the game instantly becomes a threat that must be neutralized. So, they setup a system that greatly minimizes the chances that non-conformists can make meaningful headway in society, unless they join the party.

For the single or unmarried individuals, the challenge tends to be less traumatizing. However, for those who are married, and some who even have kids to provide for, this situation presents a formidable obstacle.

How do you explain to your wife, that your kids will not be able to eat or attend school, because your unwillingness to bribe or over invoice your way to win contracts, means you will not earn enough to meet those obligations?

What do you do, when your child is ill and badly in need of medication, at a time when your long overdue payment from a client company, is being delayed, because you refused to grease the palm of the man to release the payment?

Will your spouse understand why you can no longer accept insultingly low payments offered by exploitative clients – even when she badly needs cash to sustain the home front?

How do you carry on, when – for instance – your spouse constantly rains insults on you for being incapable of meeting your financial obligations as a husband and father?

Since you are not prepared to give in to such corrupt demands, what do you do, when you appeal to your wife to consider taking up a job to help out, and she says:

"Are you not ashamed of yourself – look at your next door neighbor. His wife does not work, and he provides for her and the kids they have. And you are here telling me I need to get a job. You cannot be serious. Who do you want to use as a slave. When you could not feed yourself, why did you get married?"

What You Need To Know – And Do

I do not know what you’re going through. But I have heard all kinds of silly logic being adduced by otherwise well educated and intelligent people who feel they cannot endure hardship any longer.

All because they are afraid to act with faith and resist the advances of unscrupulous elements that create chaos, in order to profit from it.

If you believe that the creator exists and will always support good over evil, I offer you the following philosophies that guide and immunize me against long term negative effects of adversity in ANY form. As a result, regardless of what channels it comes at me from, I stay focused and driven to achieve my set goals.

1. REAL SUCCESS IS BASED ON INTEGRITY: As long as I am not lazy, and I work hard, intelligently and honestly, to achieve my set goals on a daily basis, I will succeed, little by little.

2. FAITH WILL SUSTAIN YOU: No matter what anyone says to my face or behind my back, I alone determine what will happen in my life, by focusing on acting with faith that the creator will see me through.

My perspective on faith is that it is NOT a religious thing. It is not some exclusive preserve of a particular religious movement. Faith can be practiced by ANY living being. I have used it many times, with great success.

3. GOOD THINGS THAT LAST, RARELY COME QUICKLY: My success may not come quickly. I may have to take baby steps, one at a time. And it might look like it’s taking too long.  However, as long as I’m NOT walking backwards, my success is inevitable. No one can stop me. Period!

4. DOING WRONG IS ALWAYS BAD: No matter how many times I see others cut corners to get what they want, I know the creator will never approve of me doing the same. There are lessons to be learnt from hardships, delays and setbacks in life – that he wants to teach me. They will equip me to stay successful when I get to the top.

5. NOTHING IS WRONG WITH A HUMBLE BEGINNING: Even if others mock me and compare me to a younger or less educated person who they claim is doing better than me, I will NEVER let that make me play catch up with anyone. Success comes in stages. My path will be different from that traveled by others. That is the way the world works – each of us is unique, and we will therefore naturally follow our unique paths in life.

6. BE WORTHY OF SUPPORT: So long as you do the above (1 to 5), never feel ashamed to ask for – and accept – help or support from trusted others. Understand that when you’re in an environment dominated by wrong doers, you’re likely to get ZERO breaks as an entrepreneur. Your counterparts in better regulated societies will often have LESS stifling circumstances to deal with.

For instance some may have access to unemployment checks and other forms of social security to protect their families. Depending on what part of the world you’re in, you may not have those "cushions".

Genuine offers of support and help from people who appreciate your honest dedication to your purpose will therefore under such a situation, be your own social security safety net. Do NOT let anyone make you feel guilty for using it!

NB: Those who succumb to the impulse (or prompting of others) to do wrong in order to support their families, fail to understand this 6th philosophy.

7. GRATITUDE: I know enough to be grateful for the gift of life, and the opportunity to go out each new day and do more to achieve my set goal. It’s a great blessing from the creator that one must acknowledge. If others choose to focus on what they do not yet have, I refuse to let them infect me their negative failure-focused mentality.

SUMMARY

The above are a few guiding philosophies that keep me tuned towards doing right all the time, even when I see people seemingly making more progress from doing wrong. I’m stronger, smarter and more fulfilled as a result.

It is worthwhile to note, that when eventually you achieve success the right and honorable way, those who gossiped about you, and/or heaped insults on you, may deny ever doing so, and turn around to announce how they also helped you!

Don’t get upset when it happens. It’s the twisted way of the world. If you feel hurt, that’s because you are not one of those who act in that manner . This makes you a superior being. Great minds like you, must appreciate that those people only play their roles, to better prepare you , for the success you are destined to achieve.

So, let them!

Final Words : This post is not a self-righteous rant. It is instead a wake up call of sorts for every responsible adult to do more of what is right and less (indeed NOTHING) of what is wrong, so as to make society progress sustainably.

Should You Quit Your Job or Start Your Business Part-time?

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FYI: James R. Cook, is a successful American entrepreneur, and author the New York Times bestseller titled “Startup Entrepreneur”. I strongly recommend you read that excellent experience based book.

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Should You Quit Your Job or Start Your Business Part-time?

Preamble: The dilemma of choosing between quitting one’s job or starting up part time(while holding on to it) is one that countless entrepreneurs have had to contend with in the past. This difficulty confronts persons who are either approaching retirement or feel they do not want to continue working for someone else. Not many business ideas can be properly “tested” in the market place using “moonlighting” techniques – where an employee tries his/her hands at pursuing a fancied business career on the side, during his/her free time.

In this article I share the true story of HOW I took the decision to start my own business. I also provide insight into what others who have passed the same road did – and say. The truth however, is that no two situations are likely to be exactly the same, hence the intending startup must carefully weigh the options available in making up his/her mind. It is my hope that the reader will be able to use the ideas offered here to intelligently arrive at a decision that will facilitate the launch of a successful career in entrepreneuring.

(This article has been reviewed/slightly expanded – today 6th Nov. 2012, and is now relocated to the SD Nuggets blog, from it’s former static html page. The original version published in Apri 2006, and republished on Ezinearticles.com on Apr 03, 2006, is one of twenty-five(25) contained in Tayo Solagbade’s Ebook titled “25 Articles/True Stories On Self-Development, Entrepeneuring & Web Marketing To Help You Succeed More Often)

“No enterprise worthy of accomplishment would ever begin, if all obstacles
were first to be overcome” – Napoleon Hill

Let’s Start With My True Story – About How/Why I Did It

In attempting to help you come to your own decision about the better of the two options mentioned above(quitting your job vs. starting part-time), I will give you an insight into how I entered into the business of entrepreneuring. I start by reproducing the exact words with which I narrated the experience in an ebook I wrote back in 2003 titled “How To Help Your Child Discover His/Her Purpose In Life” (click the preceeding title/link to read an article based on the ebook).

“I struggled for over 6 years like I said trying to find out why I felt so dissatisfied working as a well paid young manager in a large, blue chip corporate multinational. Despite rapid advancement and numerous opportunities plus the promise of even better career options, I still found I was dissatisfied. So it was that right till the last 2 years of my stay as a Manager in Guinness Nigeria Plc, I continued to baffle family/friends with my frequent trips back and forth between Lagos, Benin, Ibadan, Portharcourt and other places.

I was variously following up advertisements for new jobs, opportunities for new starting up businesses, and possibility of getting admission to study overseas(I just KNEW I wanted to spend my time doing something other than the job I was being so well paid for!). I attended many seminars on wide ranging topics from manufacturing to computer/internet education etc. Then I sought out those who I heard had “made it”, and who offered themselves for consultation. I asked their advice on what to do. Slowly but surely, I began to gain insight.

Gradually the picture became clearer. Not long after – in late 1999 to be exact, I had the full picture of what I wanted to do in life clearly mapped out in my mind. But by then I was already 29 years old! Then I spent 2 whole years “preparing”(attending business startup seminars etc) before finally taking off fully! Having gone through all that, I am now thoroughly convinced that I could have done better, if only I had known much earlier that I had the option of deciding whether or not to go into paid employment.” – Excerpt from the ebook titled “How To Help Your Child Discover His/Her Purpose In Life

Now, the truth is that by the time I decided I wanted to run my own business, I was not sure exactly how I would start.

I knew I wanted to go into some form of speaking-training consultancy/educational work but I was not sure how to begin. Also, I knew that it would be useful to have a creative slant to my business offerings(building on my proficiency in custom spreadsheet programming/solutions development), so as to generate a diversified income stream. It was with these ideas in mind that I began attending all those seminars/courses over the two years before I quit my job.

I however did not just attend them and go back to my job to continue work. Being naturally action oriented, I went ahead and launched mini-versions of some business ideas I had settled for. They were Sealed Nylon Packaged Pepper production and Custom Branded T-Shirts Production (which I came up with by myself after doing some thinking). While on Annual leave, I then used practically all of my leave allowance from work, to run these micro businesses on a test basis.

It was tough, but I gave it all I had. In each case, I made little or no income, but the excitement of doing it all – printing ID cards, drafting sales letters/looking for buyers, designing T-Shirt labels, using an impulse nylon sealer to pack cartons and cartons of pepper (overnight sometimes!) served to give me some degree of satisfaction that it had been worth the trouble.

However, when I returned to work, the challenges of meeting my job as an employee soon made it obvious that I could not combine running either of the businesses with doing my salaried job. This was at a time when I was still a shift brewer, and as such had the advantage of getting off duty rest periods on weekdays, which I tried to use to pursue my micro business efforts.

By the time I was promoted in year 2000 to a normal, routine 9 – 5 job as Technical Training and Development Manager, I lost the little freedom I had left.

For close to one year, I tried to see if I could endure the change and the restrictions it had imposed on me, but soon realised that it would not work. So, I printed off and signed a fresh copy of the resignation letter I had presented to my former boss(who had rejected it back then) in 1999, while I was still a brewer , and handed it to the head(Operations Manager) of my brewery in his office on 31st October 2001(giving 2 months notice).

It’s been over four years now, since I quit my job to start my business – and I remain fully convinced that I took the right decision. This is(among other reasons) because, I have grown tremendously in ways that I could never have achieved had I still been tied to a 9 to 5 job. In addition, I look forward to doing my work on a daily basis, with an excitement much greater than any I ever felt while in paid employment. The feeling of liberation – being able to pursue what you have always dreamt of achieving beats description. The following quote I think describes what I believe I have achieved:

“Free yourselves from the shackles of corporate life” – Anon

Most people in paid employment will not be able to understand what I have said in the above paragraph.

For instance, sometime last year, I visited the office of a former senior colleague(who still works in the HR department of the company I left) to get a reference.

He told me “Many people still think you must have been mad to do what you did“. My response was along the lines of “My only regret is that I did not do it sooner!” – and I meant it.

While driving back home that day, I thought about the conversation with my HR manager “friend” and could not help feeling a bit sorry for him, because I knew from the way he said it, that he agreed with those who had questioned my sanity in quitting my job.

The sad reality however is that whether they accept the inevitable reality or not, they WILL have to go through the same process of “leaving” their jobs one day. When that happens, they will have to – like I did – “re-educate” themselves all over again to be able to survive in the real-world, outside the security of salaried jobs they have gotten used to. This is likely to happen when they retire, or have to resign.

The only difference will be that when they are starting up their own businesses, they will probably be past their prime in terms of age, maybe in their 60s. This may or many not present problems when they have to endure the adversity frequently encountered in the business startup phase.

As for me, I am glad I did it while I still had a lot of my youth on my side.

At 31, I quit a job that paid well, but made me feel unfulfilled, in order to start one that I get excited about everyday regardless of the challenges I face in doing it. If you also want to experience true happiness, you will have to do likewise i.e. follow your heart!

Interestingly, doing what you love WILL ultimately bring the ONE benefit(money!) that many people always seem to want to get first. I don’t care what any realists say. What they consider unprofitable today can become a goldmine tomorrow.

But experts will sometimes not see what you see!

WHAT PEOPLE SAID: There’s no market for it. If there were, major airlines would already be offering it. You won’t be able to find reliable couriers.” – Conclusion of advisors to Fred Smith, founder of Federal Express.

Some experts recommend going with a proven formula or model. I do not quarrel with that. But nothing new will be created or invented if everybody follows that line of thinking! We need people who will perodically follow their instincts and intuition to venture into untested business fields.

Those who will be visionary enough to see the opportunties tthat current experts are blind to. And who will be able to muster and sustain the courage to aim for business success in that area. A passion for the subject will make such individuals persist even when no immediate results are forthcoming.

Historical evidence stongly suggests that most people who do so eventually reap substantial rewards in fame, and fortune.

That’s why Marsha Sinetar said:

“Do what you love, and the money will follow” – Marsha Sinetar

A Question That Can Help You Choose A Business To Start

One of the most important questions that a person who wishes to choose a business to start needs to be able to answer is this:

What is that thing, which you would ENJOY doing for an UNLIMITED period of time, EVEN if you did not get paid to do it?

I found MY answer to that question quite easily, and that made it easy for me to continue happily working towards achieving my set goals in spite of countless rejections and setbacks. You are reading this article, at this point in time, because I chose to follow my heart and pursue my vision. You will need to do the same if you want to achieve sustainable, authentic success.

“If you don’t do what you love, you won’t have what it takes to stick with it. This lack of effort will cause you to fail. And fail big time” – Michael Boss

How Other Entrepreneurs Started Their Own Businesses

1. Quitting To Start – The Risky Way!

a. James R. Cook(Author, Startup Entrepreneur, New York Times Bestseller) did what many considered ill-advised and unthinkable. He simply quit a good job brimming with promises of career advancement. In his book, “The Startup Entrepreneur”, he explained that he did so in order to apply Napoleon Hill’s suggestions that the person desiring success “burn all bridges” – admitting that not everyone has to follow the same route as he did.

b. Henry Ford explained that after discussing with his wife, he chose to reject the offer to make him general superintendent of The Edison Company, if he stopped work on his gas engine project to focus on what they considered “more important” work. Left with no other option, he chose to leave his job(on August 15, 1899) rather than give up his automobile business idea. An interesting note added by Ford is the fact that aside from money spent on sustaining themselves daily, he and his wife put every penny they had into experimenting on the automobile, in the hope of making a breakthrough. That willingness to risk financial ruin, would later yield multiple fold returns. Every single person who drives a car today, should be grateful to this couple for refusing to quit!

c. William Lear opined that if a person is really sure about his business idea, he should mortgage every asset he owns to keep going. Using himself as an example, he explained that at one point, during a difficult time in his business, he felt like he owed more or less everyone in the country.

d. Fran Tarkenton also wrote that if you find it difficult starting your business while still in paid employment, seriously consider quitting in order to force yourself to focus better. BUT he also gives what I truly believe is a very VALID warning that in doing this: In quitting, you MUST make sure your family’s security is not jeopardised by the possibility of your business struggles, preventing you from playing your role as a parent or spouse.

2. Moonlighting -The Safe(?) Way

Some people might prefer to test their ideas on the side while they hold on to day jobs as employees. Lucky history shows that a number of people succeeded in starting their businesses this way. George Eastman for instance, who founded the Kodak company, remained in employment while he tested ideas for his film business.

I have also read articles on how Moonlighting techniques(where a person in paid employment launches a semi-entrepreneurial career on the side in his free time from work) can be successfully used by individuals keen to try out their business ideas.

In fact there is a growing trend today of people who start businesses which they engage third parties to run , while they(the owner) remain in paid employment.

So, Which Is Better: To Quit Your Job At Once, Or Start Your Business Part-Time?

In my opinion, the degree of success achievable in meeting client or customer needs by a person who starts up via moonlighting, will depend to a great extent on his/her level of commitment. This is especially because the demands of a routine 9 to 5 job can, for instance, limit a person’s ability(via late hours at work, and/or fatigue) to meet the expectations of a paying client or customer.

Then there is the issue of the type of business a person decides to startup on the side. If a person decides to start up a piggery or catfish business while employed on a full time salary job, s/he might struggle considerably to get a good feel of what it takes to manage the actual production process. A likely reason would be his/her inability to visit the farm as often as would be needed(due to day job work demands) to gain the needed “depth” of understanding. This could have implications for cost-effective and profitable operation of the business, as s/he might end up having to accept anything s/he is told by the hired hands.

Having said that, employing a competent manager to run the operation could reduce the need for worry in this area. I will however add that in the society I operate in as an entrepreneur, you would have to keep both your fingers and toes crossed at the same time, if you choose to go that way. A hint: Finding competent hands over here is one thing. Finding competent AND trustworthy ones can be another issue entirely!

But the truth about it is, no matter how long you test your business idea on the side, you will eventually have to take the plunge and launch out fully. In reality, many people never get to a point when they can muster enough courage to do that, giving various excuses. In the end, their employer helps them take the inevitable decision – and even then, they are seldom prepared!

Those Who Risk All Stand To Gain More

So, on the issue of which option is “better” , it is my considered opinion that most of those who take the “risky” route of quitting the security of their jobs, or “burning their bridges” are likely to emerge as better rounded entrepreneurs, capable of building businesses that outlast them. I say this based on my personal experiences as one who tried both approaches, and also drawing from many interactions I have had with business owners who followed the “safer” route in starting up. The mental attitude of people who belong to this latter group can be surprisingly different from that recognised as typical of persons considered to be “entrepreneurs”.

Specific scenarios include: how they see adversity(and the benefits it offers); their disposition towards risk-taking for the purpose of seizing business opportunities in the market place; and their capacity to visualise the future. In each of the three scenarios highlighted, I have repeatedly noticed that the “safe way startup” business owners frequently prefer to keep things as they are, never wanting to take any chances trying anything new – until they have seen many others do so successfully.

Seldom are they ready to be the ones leading the pack in visualising what next to do. And in some cases, there was a striking readiness to compromise their values (sometimes just “a teeny little bit”) in the face of opposition, in order to get what they wanted. This suggested the attributes of “integrity” and “persistence” were not strong points for them. I must add here that you could not easily deduce this from what they said, when invited to speak, or discuss on the subject. It was very often from the things they did – actions they took daily, yearly in relation to moving their businesses forward, that you saw real evidence of that they actually “believed”.

In contrast, many successful entrepreneurs who followed the “risky”, thorn filled path, have described how the long drawn periods of “suffering” they went through, helped them developed the “character” and “survival instincts” necessary for achievement of sustainable long term successes.

Quite a number have been described as “stubborn” or even “obstinate” – attributes which probably enabled them successfully defy adversity and opposition in the past to achieve startling successes. Entrepreneurs often believe they can always get what they want -if they stick with it long enough. Hardly will you find a true entrepreneur willing to cut corners in order to reach a valued goal. Apart from having a strong sense of integrity, the exciting prospect of defying all odds and opposition to reach the prize, would be simply too attractive for him/her to pass up.

Don’t get me wrong here! I am not implying that a person who did not quit a job or do something “risky” to start his/her business is not an entrepreneur. What I am saying is that a serious possibility exists, that those who start by holding on to the “security” of a life-line in form of a “job”, or other comforts, may end up not undergoing the full myriad of “educative” experiences needed to mature fully as entrepreneurs.

You can read my article titled Avoid Taking Lessons On Entrepreneuring From The Wrong Person(s) to learn more about why I believe NOT every business owner can be called an entrepreneur.

“You cannot acquire experience by making experiments. You cannot create experience. You must undergo it.”
Albert Camus

“It had long since come to my attention that people of accomplishment rarely sat back and let things happen to them. They went out and happened to things.” – Eleanor Smith

Summary – The Choice Is Ultimately Yours To Make!

From reading my story, you will find that I did make effort to try juggling my new interests with the responsibilities I had as an employee, but with little success. In order to avoid destroying my credibility in my workplace by having divided loyalty(and also to ensure that I was more efficient in the use of my time and efforts), I chose to take an honourable exit from a company I had served for seven(7) years, while the ovation was still at its loudest.

That was one of the reasons why the overall head of the brewery where I worked, was able to say/write wonderful things about me (at the send forth ceremony organised for me, even though I had only reported indirectly to him for about 11 months) including the following:

Tayo, I honestly believe you are one of those who will succeed at anything he does. Your commitment and effort has been outstanding….Thanks for all your hard work since I’ve been here – you will be sorely missed. I don’t need to wish you good luck, you have the ability to make your own luck. – Andy“(R. Jones)*

*Operations Manager, Guinness Nigeria Plc Benin Brewery, December 2001(Handwritten comments in farewell/xmas cards sent to Tayo Solagbade following his resignation to start his own business).

My study of the writings and lives of many entrepreneurs in some cases support this option(i.e. quitting your job), while others lean towards the other. It is up to you, to consider the examples provided through this article’s narration of what others have done(coupled with its analyses), and then come up with your own decision. Back to top

“Twenty years from now, you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the trade wind in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.” – Mark Twain

How To Discover What Your Child REALLY Wants To Be In Life

This post is based on excerpts from a 19 page ebook I wrote (titled “How to Help Your Child Discover His/Her Purpose”) which I never published – for reasons I still cannot fathom :-)

How many of us adults knew exactly what we wanted to do or be in life, when we were our kids’ ages? I once heard of someone who discovered after finishing from medical school, that what he actually wanted to do in life was professional fashion designing!

Similar examples abound in our society today. I’m sure you can think of some yourself – so I will not bore you with more.

Many Adults Are Living Lives of Regret

Many adults/parents today spend every day in jobs they do not enjoy doing. Some pay well. Others yield what could best be described as slave wages. And yet, the workers still keep coming back each day. In many cases, the affected individuals feel too far-gone in age to change things.

Many also worry about the risks involved – especially as it relates to caring for their families while making the transition. This is quite often a valid fear to have. Giving up a steady source of income to pursue self-actualization can prove quite tasking. This is especially true for persons who have to provide for their families.

But if truth be told, life is too short to keep driving on the safe lane all the time. One of the best ways to conquer one’s demons is to confront one’s greatest fears. It never pays to live a life that ends with multiple regrets about what could have been.

We Can Spare Our Kids the Same Fate

My observations out here reveal that many adults are simply not prepared to take the required leap of faith to pursue self-actualization. Thankfully, for such persons all is not lost. The lesson from their narrow miss can be put to use in preparing their kids to achieve self-discovery earlier in life.

I have personally vowed not to let my kids go through the needless pains of LATE self-discovery I had to endure well into my late twenties.

And that’s why I am already putting my knowledge of what worked or did not work for me (it could work for my kids) at their disposal. Among other things, we periodically discuss whether or not they could adopt my approach or evolve a better one.

The objective is to make the kids better prepared to confidently answer this question: What do you want to be in life?

A child that has undergone the kind of preparation I advocate here is unlikely to give the usual kind of answer like “Lawyer! Doctor!” and so on. Instead she’s more likely to respond with a detailed description of her vision or ultimate goal/purpose in life.

Then of course, things like being a Lawyer, Doctor etc could be part of it, but would not be all of it.

This last point is quite important. Children lacking the kind of preparation I’m talking about tend to respond too automatically to the “What do you want to be in life” question.

This happens because no one has helped them think through what they really want to do. Little effort has been invested by competent adults to help such kids discover their true/natural interests. That’s what would accurately inform their choice of vocations or professions in life!

The above stated problem leads to situations in which a graduate Doctor drops her degree, to launch what eventually becomes a successful Fashion Design career.

It Took Me Seven Years To Discover I Made A Wrong Choice!

In my case, I did not know what I wanted to do in life even as at the time I was observing my one year of national youth service at the age of 22.

All I knew was that I had obtained a university degree in Agricultural Extension Services, after five years. And I wanted to get a reasonably good paying job – somewhere…somehow!

In other words, I was – at the time – a typical product of the traditional educational system!

That attitude of just wanting to get a job explains why I took countless tests to get employment in insurance companies, audit firms, manufacturing organizations etc.

I did not – and could not afford to – discriminate because I was not prepared for the world I found myself in. A world in which the government employment options open to people with my qualifications, promised disappointing remuneration – which common knowledge assured would not (back then at least) necessarily be paid as and when due.

It was honestly a period of extreme confusion and frustration for me.

After all that schooling (and a good 2nd class upper degree) and NOBODY wants me?

” I asked myself.

It took me a long time to get over the trauma. And I actually spent over seven years working as an employee in a field totally unrelated to my qualification, before I finally realized that what I really wanted to do in life was to be an entrepreneur.

I Want To Spare My Kids That Kind of Experience

That’s why each of my kids gets quality discussion and attention time from me every day. We do so many things together – including encouraging each person to show off his/her unique abilities. This process has helped us identify what they are individually good at, and passionate about.

For instance, my third son is gifted at fixing things – especially electrical stuff. He’s just nine, but displays an uncanny ability to assemble and disassemble all sorts of electrical appliances. And many times he has surprised all of us by fixing some items we had concluded no longer worked.

What I’ve done is to always pass any damaged electrical stuff to him – including my laptop adapters, rechargeable lamps, flash drives and so on. He keeps them neatly arranged in a large box. Every now and then he brings them out and pretends to be doing a presentation to an audience about how they work!

Even his grand parents already acknowledge that he’s likely to follow in the footsteps of his uncle (my brother) who studied Electrical Electronics and immediately after graduation started an IT company in Abuja.

Final Words

Carefully nurturing a child’s natural interest in a potentially viable vocation can help prepare her to achieve self-discovery early in life.

This would be to the benefit of both the child and the parents. That’s because you’d be sure to spend money providing the right kind of formal schooling or education for her.

This could help her develop true genius in her chosen field – the kind that leads to notable accomplishments. In other words, she would live a fulfilled life, without regrets of any sort!

If you truly love your child, I urge you to start making out time to discover what she wants to be in life, from today.

It’s likely to be the wisest investment of your life.

Comments?

What do you think of the above post? Do you have any personal experience to share on this subject? Are there some other points you feel can be added, to help persons looking for answers? Share your thoughts below.

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