Category Archives: Domestic Violence Against Men (DVAM)

[DVAM] TOXIC FEMININITY: HORRIBLE FEMALE BEHAVIOR WE IGNORE – BY SYDNEY WATSON [SUBTITLES + Text Transcript PDF Version Created by Tayo K. Solagbade for DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AGAINST MEN – iDEAS FOR IDENTIFYING AND STOPPING IT at www.facebook.com/stopdvambytks ]

Not all women behave in the bad ways described in this video by Sydney (who is also a woman!). But some (like my Ex) do and they often get away with it. That’s the point being made.
Due to harmful stereotypes, male victims often get NO opportunity to be heard, talk less believed. This amounts to being abused both inside their home and outside whenever they try to ask for help!
That situation pushes some to give up and commit suicide.
For instance, I was told about a former schoolmate in his forties who – last year – left a suicide note saying anyone who found his body should ask his wife – adding her name. No one knows what transpired between them, but he certainly was devastated enough to feel ending his life was the best option…while she did not.
Of course, when asked it’s unlikely she will respond in anyway that will make her look bad – except some other person KNOWS the truth, she is likely to bury it!
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Sydney’s message resonated greatly with me, because it accurately captured  my sentiments and frustrations as a Male Survivor of Domestic Violence.

Too many people do not connect with this topic because the male victims are not their relations. And that needs to change.
Men feel pain too. I do not need to be related to you, for you to feel my pain when YOU SEE CLEAR PROOF that I am being abused – because I refuse to be abusive in return.
As a male survivor of DV, my friends, relatives/siblings knew my pains and had repeatedly feared for my life. They knew firsthand what I had endured. That’s why they ALL told me to walk away.
We need to STOP these badly behaved women. They are few, but their numbers are growing – because they are raising daughters and mentoring others…to be like them.

They are giving GOOD, WELL BEHAVED WOMEN a bad name!

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But some other men don’t choose suicide. Instead they “snap” and attack their abuser – injuring her in the home or elsewhere.

On April 30, 2017 Gloria Ogunbadejo shared a letter – in her SUNDAY PUNCH Newspapers “Mental Health Matters” column – from a man who said he’d lost control and severely beaten his wife of 10 years (for the first time ever) when he could no longer endure her relentless provocation and abuse.
Another time, she shared one from a husband who said he’d been contemplating suicide due to his wife’s abuse.
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To ensure others can fully UNDERSTAND the points being made, so they can CHANGE their attitudes for the better, I’ve prepared a verbatim text transcription in PDF format for FREE download, and also inserted subtitle text into a review version of the video – a downloadable mobile friendly version is available HERE.

These 4 Highlight Text Transcript Excerpts from Sydney’s Video Drive The Point Home!

Highlight Excerpt No. 1:
Author Kimbrely Taylor interviewed women who were the sole abusers in their relationships. What she found was that this group was much more likely to use non-physical tactics, such as emotional, verbal and psychological abuse. A lot of the time it was about manipulation, control, using the children against the partner or threatening to take the children away.
Gee weez. That kinda sounds familiar. We actually see this play out all the time, not only in the justice system, but also in the family court.  We know that women will manipulate the system in order to get ahead, as well as use their children and other measures as a means of control when it comes to their ex-partners.
That, my friends, is SUPER TOXIC BEHAVIOUR!
Highlight Excerpt No. 2:
And while I can’t say that there is a ton of research out there about women being controlling (’cause like I said before, it predominantly doesn’t exist), I did find data from 2013 that says that women are more likely than men to be classed as intimate terrorists and displayed aggression at a much higher rate than their male counterparts.
 Highlight Excerpt No. 3:
So in the end, in my twenty something years as a female, something that I’ve come to really dislike is the victimhood mentality that so many women have adopted.
And this is just my opinion, my observation. It’s not backed up by science. so don’t yell at me. I see this kind of behavior in women all the time, where they blame sexism or the patriarchy and use it as an excuse to defend and excuse their terrible behavior.
They think being overly emotional and acting irrationally and erratically is somehow a sign of power, and the rest of society seems to think this behavior is absolutely perfectly fine and justifiable.
They think that being psychologically and emotionally abusive towards men in particular is perfectly fine because the man is bigger and stronger and can handle it. But when that same man falls apart, they take absolutely no responsibility for their part in it. I er I don’t get it.
Highlight Excerpt No. 4:
Personally, I don’t really believe that femininity or masculinity are inherently toxic in and of themselves. I do just believe that there are toxic people out there, who do toxic things.

Click here to download the PDF (and the subtitled review video) that you can read (and watch) offline.

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To know when my next video on DVAM NEWS goes LIVE:

Follow me on Twitter @tksola  or LIKE my DVAM Advocacy Facebook page at www.facebook.com/stopdvambytks.
Visit www.tayosolagbade.com to learn more about DVAM and/or Contact Me via dvam at tksola dot com/ Call +234-803-302-1263.

[DVAM] Woman Inflicts Vicious Verbal, Emotional & Psychological Abuse On Struggling Entrepreneur Boyfriend

This Short Film depicts Verbal, Emotional & Psychological Abuse viciously inflicted by a woman on her Intimate Male Partner, in a manner that resonated with me – because I have experienced such abuse as a man.

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My name is TAYO SOLAGBADE and I created this review video trailer version by inserting slides based messages (like those below) to discourage the harmful habit of PSYCHOLOGICAL BULLYING.

Psychological Bullying is a form of Domestic Violence/Abuse which can kill just as easily as physical violence.e.g by making victims commit suicide.

There is nothing worse than having yourself told that you’re nothing.

I am speaking as a person that has experienced repeated, prolonged exposure to VERBAL, EMOTIONAL, PSYCHOLOGICAL and even PHYSICAL abuse at the hands of an Intimate Female Partner.

As you watch, try to imagine what it would feel like to have your partner speak to (and treat) you like that?

What would you do?

Tayo K. Solagbade
Founder: Domestic Violence Against Men (DVAM) – Ideas for Identifying and Stopping It
www.facebook.com/stopdvambytks | www.tayosolagbade.com | tayo at tksola dot com | +234-803-302-1263

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Click here to watch this review version of the short film with my messages.

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Click here to watch this review version of the short film with my messages.

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Click here to watch this review version of the short film with my messages.

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Click here to watch this review version of the short film with my messages.

The URGENT Need to Support Male Victims of Domestic Abuse [EVENT: 7th National Conference on Male Victims of Domestic Abuse – Thur. 14th Nov. 2019, Mercure Bristol Holland House Hotel, Redcliffe Hill,Bristol, BS1 6SQ United Kingdom | Organized by Mankind.org (Mankind Initiative)]

The narrative of Domestic Violence has changed a lot in recent years.

Statistics reported by Lagos State’s Domestic and Sexual Violence Response Team (DSVRT) clearly show alarming increases in male victims reporting domestic abuse at the hands of their female partners.

READ: Incredible! Wives batter 138 husbands in Lagos

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Considering the fact that men often shy away from reporting, the actual statistics are likely to be even more worrying. This means many more men are suffering in silence in their homes etc – and they have nowhere to go for help!

Over the past 3 years, and especially in the last 6 months, I have come to the painful realization that existing support systems in Nigeria, will continue to be skewed towards female victims of Domestic Violence (e.g Notice image and examples on the foregoing linked page ALL refer to male abusers!).

Abusive females know this and exploit it to make the lives of their male partners a living hell.

Most harmful is the ridiculous stereotype which makes people, including social workers insinuate that “he must have done something horrible to her, to make her do what she did. So he most likely deserved it”

This is very wrong and often not true. I say this based on my personal experiences as a survivor and observation of other victims.

With few exceptions I got the usual treatment everywhere I went for help. The DSVRT did what they could and I got useful relief for a while but it was not enough.

Read PII 135: Neglecting Domestic Violence Victims Can Cause Serious Tragedies – True Stories [Highlights from my discussion of “The Culture of Silence as it negatively affects male Survivors.” at the 2018 SYMPOSIUM IN COMMEMORATION OF THE LAGOS STATE DOMESTIC AND SEXUAL VIOLENCE AWARENESS MONTH]

I realized others may not have my kind of resilience and would need more robust support systems.

So I launched my Facebook Advocacy page to share true stories, tips and strategies etc.

Read [DVAM] Domestic Violence Against Men by Toyin Omoniyi (TyLegal) – NairaLand.com & PraiseWorldradio.com: This excellent article by Toyin – a female Nigerian lawyer – accurately captured the key aspects of Domestic Violence I had come to be aware of. That’s why I used bullet point excerpts from it, to highlight examples of abuse on the cover photo for my page.

I also began researching both locally and internationally to see the statistics and other information about trends in DV reporting.

Last year (2018), I discovered the work being done by Mankind Initiative to support Male victims of DV in the UK and was inspired to learn that one of the founders was himself a male survivor of DV.

That made me resolve to launch a similar support service for victims out here.

Mankind Initiative have coming up next month, an event I really believe needs to be organized in ALL societies across the world, especially where men are becoming more victimized. The fact that the conference is in its 7th year, in my view, indicates that stakeholders interest has been sustainable, and that means REAL PROBLEMS are being solved!

National Annual Conference

Details of my tentative plans are to be announced.

For now, I would say this conference linked above is one of the kinds of events I hope to challenge stakeholders to participate in and, at some point even organize as well.

Male victims and their kids will benefit greatly as a result.

Click here to send me a message.

Alternatively, you can call me on +234-803-302-1263 or +229-66-12-21-36

 

Related Articles

  1. PII 135: Neglecting Domestic Violence Victims Can Cause Serious Tragedies – True Stories [Highlights from my discussion of “The Culture of Silence as it negatively affects male Survivors.” at the 2018 SYMPOSIUM IN COMMEMORATION OF THE LAGOS STATE DOMESTIC AND SEXUAL VIOLENCE AWARENESS MONTH]
  2. #SexForGrades Updates: The BBC Journalist “Kiki Mordi” Dropped Out of College Due to Sexual Harassment [Watch “Mr Lecturer” in which Eedris Abdulkareem rapped about #SexForGrades in 2002!]
  3. NPD – DVAM NEWS No. 004: Are There Children/Adults Suffering Emotional &/or Psychological Abuse Right Under Your Nose? [Subtitle: An Experience Based Discussion of The Frequently Overlooked Yet VERY TOXIC Personality of the Closet (or Covert) Narcissistic “Mother”]
  4. PII 178: Are You Confident That Your Child Can Stand Up to Peer Pressure? (Lessons from BBC’s #SexForGrades Video Documentary About University Lecturers)
  5. PII 165: [DVAM] So some social workers tell us “Children never lie” about sexual abuse? Garbage! Totally discredited herewith [READ THIS NEWS REPORT ABOUT A REAL LIFE USA COURT CASE]
  6. [DVAM] (Unwittingly) Coaching the children (to lie)
  7. [DVAM] HIGH‐CONFLICT CONTACT DISPUTES: EVIDENCE OF THE EXTREME UNRELIABILITY OF SOME CHILDREN’S ASCERTAINABLE WISHES AND FEELINGS – Family Court Review | An Interdisciplinary Journal
  8. [DVAM] When children lie and why they lie and why people who work with separated families should know that they lie and why
  9. [DVAM] Yes, sex is food, Nkechi Emmanuel tells married women – Here’s the URL for the ORIGINAL SOURCE of what I consider PURE WISDOM on relationships
  10. PII 147: Narcissists Can Harm Those They Live With – Especially Children [What You Need to Know]
  11. PII 142: Ideas for Unmasking and Dealing With Narcissists Anywhere, Anytime [Featuring “Inside the narcissist’s wicked mind and their make-believe world of illusions” – from HigherPerspectivesDotCom]
  12. Ignore the Macho Myth™: Asking for Help Means You’re Truly Strong [Advice for Battered MEN]
  13. PII 136: [DVAM] How to Identify & Stop Domestic Violence [Key Combination of Approaches to Create Massive Awareness In Society]
  14. [DVAM] More than 40% of domestic violence victims are male, report reveals – TheGuardianDotCom
  15. PII 134 – [DVAM] Ideas to Empower Women Without Emasculating Men [Five (5) Suggestions for women empowerment experts that may need to review domestic violence accusations while mediating between disputing couples]
  16. WebMD Dot Com Offers “Help for Battered Men” [Powerful Ideas for Identifying & Stopping Domestic Violence Against Men – DVAM]
  17. [DVAM] Man Writes Women Support Agency Saying His Estranged Wife is Teaching His Kids to Hate Him [Features Expert Articles/Research on the common problem of Parental Alienation]
  18. [DVAM] Who will save men from domestic violence?
  19. [DVAM] Group laments increase in violence against men
  20. [DVAM] EXTRA REPORT: Husband Battering, A New Face of Domestic Violence
  21. [DVAM] The Rising Women’s Domestic Violence Against Men: An Appraisal Of Violence Against Persons (Prohibition) Act, 2015 By: Hameed Ajibola Jimoh Esq.
  22. [DVAM] Experts Interviewed by Punch Newspapers Identify 5 Major Causes of Rising Domestic Violence Against Men, by Women in Nigeria
  23. [DVAM] Story of domestic violence against men is hidden, complicated and disputed – by By Cathy Moore on 23 November 2015 — 9:49pm for Brisbane Times, Australia
  24. [DVAM] VIRAL VIDEO > 1m Views – What It Really Means to Be a ‘Strong Woman’: Nigerian Woman Delivers Hard Hitting Message to Peers About Relationships [Download FREE Verbatim Transcript PowerPoint Slideshow created by Tayo K. Solagbade for www.facebook.com/stopdvambytks]
  25. [DVAM] How Women Destroy Love (Why Men Fall Out of Love) – by Kara Oh, US based National Relationship Expert | Download FREE VIDEO Based Transcript Slideshow created by Tayo K. Solagbade for www.facebook.com/stopdvambytks
  26. [DVAM] Women Who Emotionally Abuse Men
  27. [DVAM] The 3 Types Of Nagging That DESTROY Your Marriage
  28. [DVAM] Top 10 Things Women Do To Destroy Their Marriage
  29. PII 113 [AUDIO]: 1. One Serious Mistake Gov Ambode Needs to Stop Making If He Wants to Stop Domestic Violence | 2. Just Before You Blindly Join In Pointing Accusing Fingers at A Man Accused of Domestic Violence
  30. [RECOMMENDED] Do You Know How To Deal With People Who Mock And Ridicule You? (Syndicated Version)
  31. [DVAM] Woman As Aggressor: The Unspoken Truth Of Domestic Violence [There’s something very important that we’re not talking about when we talk about domestic violence. by Edward Rhymes]
  32. [DVAM NEWS UPDATE – FEATURE STORY] Man Reports Female Partner for Domestic Violence BUT Gets NAMED the Abuser, based on Lies & Edited Video Cooked Up by His Partner!
  33. [DVAM] VIDEO – Maryam Sanda arrested for stabbing husband to death [vanguardngr dot com – NOVEMBER 21, 201710:06 AM]
  34. [DVAM] Incredible! Wives Batter 55 Husbands In Lagos
  35. [DVAM] REAL MEN DO CRY ABOUT ABUSE
  36. [DVAM] Nigerian man narrates the domestic violence he faced in his wife’s hands
  37. PII 068: We Need to Stop Letting Naughty Females Succeed With False Accusations Against Men [Case Study: Woman Who Falsely Accused Brian Banks of Rape Ordered to Pay $2.6M]
  38. [DVAM] Domestic Violence: A male reader’s experience [“I feel ashamed to tell anyone. I don’t think they will believe me and she will never admit to it”]
  39. Human Beings Don’t Have On/Off Buttons Like Machines – We ALL Have Feelings & Will React Differently to Abuse!
  40. [HIGHLY RECOMMENDED!] People are posting an 8-ball emoji on Facebook – here’s what it means
  41. [RECOMMENDED] DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AGAINST MEN ~ ARE WE RAISING ‘ENTITLED’ DAUGHTERS – By Adeela Kasoojee-Gathoo – irtiqa dot co dot za/
  42. [DVAM] Your Silence May Cause Your Son, Brother, Uncle, Dad or Other Male Loved Ones to Suffer Avoidable Domestic Violence [Hint: Read These True Stories from batteredmen dot com]
  43. [DVAM] Violence against men – Wikipedia
  44. [DVAM] Women aren’t the only victims of domestic violence. Understand the signs of domestic violence against men, and know how to get help – MayoClinic.org
  45. [DVAM] It’s Time to Acknowledge Male Victims of Domestic Violence – By Bari Zell Weinberger, Esq. – huffingtonpost.com
  46. [DVAM] Domestic Violence Against Men by Toyin Omoniyi (TyLegal) – NairaLand.com & PraiseWorldradio.com

 

NPD – DVAM NEWS No. 004: Are There Children/Adults Suffering Emotional &/or Psychological Abuse Right Under Your Nose? [Subtitle: An Experience Based Discussion of The Frequently Overlooked Yet VERY TOXIC Personality of the Closet (or Covert) Narcissistic “Mother”]

 

Normal or healthier mothers are proud of their children and want them to shine. But a narcissistic mother may perceive her daughter as a threat. If attention is drawn away from the mother, the child suffers retaliation, put-downs, and punishments. The mother can be jealous of her daughter for many reasons: her looks, her youth, material possessions, accomplishments, education and even the young girl’s relationship with the father. This jealousy is particularly difficult for the daughter as it carries a double-message: “Do well so that Mother is proud, but don’t do too well or you will outshine her.” – Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-legacy-distorted-love/201310/mothers-who-are-jealous-their-daughters

 

Verbatim Audio Text Transcript Excerpt:

I’m trying to tell you that we have a situation in which there are children and also adults, who are being exposed to severe forms of emotional and psychological abuse, as we speak, and who are looking for help, but do not know where to go – because nobody listens, nobody understands!

And the people that are guilty of subjecting them to this kind of abuse are typically CLOSET (or COVERT) NARCISSISTS. The ones that hide their behaviour, so that you cannot see it.

Click here to download the full audio (<4MB) 

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CLICK HERE TO VISIT MY FACEBOOK ADVOCACY PAGE AND READ MORE ABOUT DVAM + HOW TO IDENTIFY/STOP IT

PII 178: Are You Confident That Your Child Can Stand Up to Peer Pressure? (Lessons from BBC’s #SexForGrades Video Documentary About University Lecturers)

“I’m assuming you’re a(n uncompromising) person like me. So if you’re not, please JUMP OFF THE SHIP because I’m not interested in massaging any egos. So when they meet your child who has been brought up to be like you, then what will happen is that they will be threatened. So what are you going to give your child to ensure that s/he can protect him/herself from them (i.e. others who pressure him/her to do wrong)?” – Tayo K. Solagbade

Above: Verbatim Text Transcript Excerpt from the Audio Podcast

This week I share experience based insights and also suggest practical strategies you can adopt to EMPOWER your child to successfully resist ANY forms of abuse that others may try to inflict on him/her regardless of whether s/he has access to you or not.

Considering how widespread this problem has become over the years, in school, religious organizations and the workplace, it is self-evident that we need to prepare our kids to protect themselves, because we will not always be with them when they face those inevitable challenges.

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Tayo Solagbade's Performance Improvement IDEAS(PI Squared) Newsletter

Tayo Solagbade’s
Performance Improvement 
IDEAS
(PI Squared) Newsletter

Monday 14th October 2019

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NB: This PI Squared newsletter will be published weekly, on Mondays, in place of the Speaking/Web Marketing IDEAS newsletter, starting from today – 15th February 2016.
 I’m reinventing my Monday newsletter content and theme, to accommodate my vision of serving the growing audience of serious minded individuals and organizations reaching out to me, with information, education. news and research findings designed to help them do what they do better.

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View Tayo Solagbade's video tutorials and demonstrations on Facebook Productivity Tips, Web Marketing, and for his Custom MS Excel-VB driven software applicationsJoin the SD Nuggets community on Facebook.comConnect with Tayo on Twitter.comConnect with Tayo on Google PlusConnect with Tayo on LinkedIn.com

PII 178: Are You Confident That Your Child Can Stand Up to Peer Pressure? (Lessons from BBC’s #SexForGrades Video Documentary About University Lecturers)

This week I share experience based insights and also suggest practical strategies you can adopt to EMPOWER your child to successfully resist ANY forms of abuse that others may try to inflict on him/her regardless of whether s/he has access to you or not.

Considering how widespread this problem has become over the years, in school, religious organizations and the workplace, it is self-evident that we need to prepare our kids to protect themselves, because we will not always be with them when they face those inevitable challenges.

Verbatim Text Transcript Preview Excerpt

“I’m assuming you’re a(n uncompromising) person like me. So if you’re not, please JUMP OFF THE SHIP because I’m not interested in massaging any egos. So when they meet your child who has been brought up to be like you, then what will happen is that they will be threatened. So what are you going to give your child to ensure that s/he can protect him/herself from them (i.e. others who pressure him/her to do wrong)?” – Tayo K. Solagbade

Click here to download and listen to the full (3o minute) audio podcast – and share freely with others you feel may benefit.

The audio file exists – see screenshot below – in AMR format (3 MB) and 3gpp format (22 MB). Both formats can be played back on mobile devices as well as on PCs with VLC Player installed. It goes without saying therefore that you should download the much smaller sized AMR file to save data and reduce download time. 

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This issue of my Performance Improvement Ideas newsletter is an audio podcast offered as a Public Service. The topic is self-explanatory, and except you’ve been living under a rock, most likely to be one you are VERY familiar because of the trending #SexForGrades hashtag.

Below: Verbatim text excerpts from the mind-map-like Rapid Speech Preparation Template I used to deliver this topic as a 20 minute talk to an audience over a decade ago. Click here to invite me,

===Starts===

If you always feel a need to be around to stop your child from being influenced to do wrong things, then it is possible YOU NEED TO DO MORE WORK TO COACH your child to function as an independent-minded person.

The reality is:

1. You will NOT always be there to stop him/her from being exposed to negative influences.

2. You cannot hide him/her away at home for ever.

3. Signs That Suggest You Have Not Taught Your Child How To Say NO…

*bad company

*lying, stealing to impress peers

*giving in to abuse of any kind – sexual, emotional, physical etc

Two stories of how being ineffective in handling my relationships made me engage in unbecoming conduct – and eventually got me into trouble.

Story 1: I describe bad activities I engaged in, without getting caught in my first year (as a 10 year old) in secondary school.

Story 2: I describe an instance in which I (along with others from the first story) did get caught, with serious consequences.

You must realize that if your child lacks proficiency in managing his relationships and does not know know who he is/wants to be, it can lead him into trouble

The Role YOU Need To Play As A Parent To Help Your Child

1. What It Takes To Say NO – And Think Independently?

2. Let them make their own mistakes – BUT…be on hand to help them LEARN from each one.

3. Here Are Ten(10) Practical Steps You Can Take

4. How Will You Know When Your Child Has Found Her Purpose?

Encourage a strong knowledge and sense of self. As a nine year old, Bill Gates reportedly knew himself well enough to pronounce to a family friend that “I can do anything I set my mind to”.

Mistake making is itself an essential requirement for a person’s balanced development.

A society only truly succeeds when its new members(children) learn what it takes to survive and flourish in it like the adults that arrive ahead of them.

With proper coaching by adults who have the right mix of knowledge, skills and experience, children can be prepared well ahead for most of the decisions they have to take and/or challenges they will encounter in life.

The result would be a dramatic increase in their capability for achieving success in life.

*Analogy: A lion cub that grows up in a pride of Lions roaming the African Savannah, is unlikely to go hungry from the lack of hunting prowess the way its orphaned cousin raised by humans could.

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2. PII 155: Make Money Building & Selling Custom Excel-VB Software to Profitable Niche markets [Join my MS Excel Heaven Visual Basic Automation club to Start Learning HOW]

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PII 165: [DVAM] So some social workers tell us “Children never lie” about sexual abuse? Garbage! Totally discredited herewith [READ THIS NEWS REPORT ABOUT A REAL LIFE USA COURT CASE]

In this special Public Service edition of my Performance Improvement Ideas newsletter, I share an excerpt, ending with a link to the full report about the heart-wrenching true story nightmare that vicious lies told by a vindictive school girl and her friends put an innocent school coach through. Not only did they ruin his good name, but he also ended up bankrupt and poor from paying legal fees to defend himself!

I ALWAYS wonder, what if THIS happened to me or to someone I love? How would I feel? What would I do?

The answers I come up with then guide my actions subsequently – which is why I’m publishing this repost of the report by Wes Vernon about this case, to SPREAD the word that these things happen, proving that we MUST be careful about taking claims made by kids TODAY, in serious matters of this nature on face value – lest we damage the lives of innocent others!

SCROLL DOWN TO READ THE FULL ISSUE

Tayo Solagbade's Performance Improvement IDEAS(PI Squared) Newsletter

Tayo Solagbade’s
Performance Improvement 
IDEAS
(PI Squared) Newsletter

Monday 27th May 2019

Logo - Tayo Solagbade's Self-Development Academy


NB: This PI Squared newsletter will be published weekly, on Mondays, in place of the Speaking/Web Marketing IDEAS newsletter, starting from today – 15th February 2016.
 I’m reinventing my Monday newsletter content and theme, to accommodate my vision of serving the growing audience of serious minded individuals and organizations reaching out to me, with information, education. news and research findings designed to help them do what they do better.

************

View Tayo Solagbade's video tutorials and demonstrations on Facebook Productivity Tips, Web Marketing, and for his Custom MS Excel-VB driven software applicationsJoin the SD Nuggets community on Facebook.comConnect with Tayo on Twitter.comConnect with Tayo on Google PlusConnect with Tayo on LinkedIn.com

PII 165: [DVAM] So some social workers tell us “Children never lie” about sexual abuse?  Garbage! Totally discredited herewith [READ THIS NEWS REPORT ABOUT A REAL LIFE USA COURT CASE]

One of the key qualities of an Emotionally Intelligent person is that they are MINDFUL of OTHERS i.e. how their actions affect others physically, emotionally etc.

It is my considered opinion, based on many years of interpersonal experience, that TOO MANY adults today, act with TOO LITTLE Emotional Intelligence.

Specifically, we fail to consciously put ourselves in the shoes of others we relate with or observe, and to think/act with consideration for them.

For instance, many of us never really stop to consider what a person we SEE or HEAR being falsely accused goes through, and how that experience might change (destroy) his/her life forever.

Typically, most people never really do more than (if at all) complain about unfairly that person was treated (e.g. s/he got sued to court, humiliated in cross-examination etc – only to days, weeks or years later be found INNOCENT of the charges upon which s/he was convicted).

We are mostly just too busy to be concerned for others, or look out for others who have bad experiences. The only time we pay attention is when it happens directly to us or to our loved ones. Then suddenly, we’re all up and about holding rallies, printing posters and clamouring for “something to be done”!

I’ve shared in the past Brian Bank’s painful story: Read PII 068: We Need to Stop Letting Naughty Females Succeed With False Accusations Against Men [Case Study: Woman Who Falsely Accused Brian Banks of Rape Ordered to Pay $2.6M] – on my Domestic Violence Against Men – Ideas for Identifying & Stopping It Page

The truth is apart from his mother, few people were willing to do anything other than standby and watch as Brian’s promising pro football career dreams got shot down by his conviction in court. His release years later could NOT repair that damage.

If truth be told, it all should never have happened in the first place. And that’s why we need to call attention to these cases to justify a change in the way accusations of this nature are handled. The fact that we want to protect and help victims is no reason to let innocent persons suffer for crimes they did not commit.

In this special Public Service edition of my Performance Improvement Ideas newsletter, I share an excerpt, ending with a link to the full report about the heart-wrenching true story nightmare that vicious lies told by a vindictive school girl and her friends put an innocent school coach through. Not only did they ruin his good name, but he also ended up bankrupt and poor from paying legal fees to defend himself!

I ALWAYS wonder, what if THIS happened to me or to someone I love? How would I feel? What would I do?

The answers I come up with then guide my actions subsequently – which is why I’m publishing this repost of the report by Wes Vernon about this case, to SPREAD the word that these things happen, proving that we MUST be careful about taking claims made by kids TODAY, in serious matters of this nature on face value – lest we damage the lives of innocent others!

Yes, some children do lie [Getting away with slander] – By Wes Vernon

May 16, 2011

So some social workers tell us “Children never lie” about sexual abuse?

Garbage! Totally discredited herewith:

But first some perspective

Dr. Richard A. Gardner, a Columbia University professor of child psychiatry, is skeptical of the practice of many Child Protective Service (CPS) workers who describe their job as that of “validators.”

That term, opines Dr. Gardner — whose thirty years of experience is noted on the website ChildCustodyCoach.com — raises questions about their objectivity.

“They, of course, hold that ‘children never lie about sexual abuse,’ and they accept as valid every statement a child makes that might verify sex abuse.” Dr. Gardner dissents.

A case history

His doubts are vindicated in a long article in Sunday’s Washington Post, about a 12-year-old “child” who lied through her teeth and — because she is a minor — does not have to pay a price for it.

Continue…

https://www.renewamerica.com/columns/vernon/110516

yes-children-do-lie

 

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[DVAM] (Unwittingly) Coaching the children (to lie)

No child wants to be on the wrong side of a parent – generally. And when you have a parent who is skilled in emotional and psychological manipulation of others, kids can be like putty in his/her hand. S/he will simply mould them literally at will into what s/he wants.

They will become – literally – like real life puppets in his/her hands, and woe betide ANYONE s/he lets them loose on!

This excellent article by a competent legal expert throws some light on a serious problem that occurs more often than is acknowledged. It is what MANY so called “social workers and activists” often miss in taking testimonies from children who find themselves in between warring parents.

Read the excerpt below, and click the link provided to read the full piece.

coaching-kids-to-lie

Click here to continue reading…

[DVAM] HIGH‐CONFLICT CONTACT DISPUTES: EVIDENCE OF THE EXTREME UNRELIABILITY OF SOME CHILDREN’S ASCERTAINABLE WISHES AND FEELINGS – Family Court Review | An Interdisciplinary Journal

This research paper’s findings speak for themselves. It was authored by “a child psychiatrist who acts as an expert witness within the family courts of England & Wales“.

Here’s an excerpt from his conclusion that I found powerfully compelling, and highly noteworthy:

I conclude that courts might exercise caution when evaluating the views of children and young people in this situation, and emphasises that assessors should consider including at least one observation of the child at a prolonged visit to the NRP. Because of the new orthodoxy some parents may be tempted to misuse their child’s right to a “voice” in court in order to achieve their own ends. Practitioners who advise courts may need to be more aware of these difficulties– Kirk Weir, Child Psychiatrist and Author of the Reviewed Paper

I preview/link to it below, as a follow up to the preceding recommended article that discusses “when kids lie, why they lie etc (which is also linked to at the bottom of the page”.

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HIGH‐CONFLICT CONTACT DISPUTES: EVIDENCE OF THE EXTREME UNRELIABILITY OF SOME CHILDREN’S ASCERTAINABLE WISHES AND FEELINGS

Abstract

This article challenges an increasing orthodoxy regarding the weight which courts might place upon the expressed views of children in a specific situation—high‐conflict contact disputes. I am a child psychiatrist who acts as an expert witness within the family courts of England & Wales. I have conducted a statistical analysis of cases in which I have conducted assessments of children caught in such disputes between their separated parents.

Fifty‐eight children met the criteria for inclusion in the study—the child’s consistent opposition to contact with the non resident parent (NRP), despite the court having determined that there was no good reason to constrain contact.

My assessment routinely included attempted observation of the child at a visit with the NRP. Despite their stated views most children had a positive experience in those visits that took place, and despite the fact that most had not seen the NRP for a long time. Overall there was a statistical association between increased resistance to contact and the greater age of the child and the longer the time during which no contact had occurred.

However, the responses of children and young people were unpredictable and it was impossible to conclude that apparent maturity or intelligence was a guide to the reliability of their expressed resistance. The possible reasons for this unreliability are discussed.

I emphasize that my sample of children is unusual as many of the cases had involved serious, though unfounded, allegations of abuse. In addition most of the children showed indications of having become “alienated” from the NRP.

I conclude that courts might exercise caution when evaluating the views of children and young people in this situation, and emphasises that assessors should consider including at least one observation of the child at a prolonged visit to the NRP. Because of the new orthodoxy some parents may be tempted to misuse their child’s right to a “voice” in court in order to achieve their own ends. Practitioners who advise courts may need to be more aware of these difficulties.

Continue reading…

https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.1111/j.1744-1617.2011.01414.x

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Related Resource

[DVAM] When children lie and why they lie and why people who work with separated families should know that they lie and why

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[DVAM] When children lie and why they lie and why people who work with separated families should know that they lie and why

The article previewed/linked below – authored by a US based Parental Alienation Expert is powerfully educative and informative. It provides elaborate real life examples to support its valid argument that kids can, and do lie (often coached by a naughty parent in dispute with a partner) when asked to “testify” in matters relating to their quarreling parents.

My experiences strongly convince me that MANY experts in this part of the world, who have to work with disputing partners with kids, often invest little or no time to READ and LEARN about this aspect  of issues they have to mediate in.

Quite often they are clueless about the REAL possibility that serious problems – like LYING – could be happening. This is why many literally brag when discussing their work, that they KNOW how to get the kids they interview to tell them the TRUTH. They fail to realize it is possible for the kids they interview to be coached to tell lies by one parent, against a target parent. This makes them prone to being sometimes hoodwinked and used, by a naughty manipulative, vindictive parent against the other parent.

The above is why I consider such experts (I wonder HOW they are recruited to play sensitive roles of this kind!) a danger to those couples (and their kids) that they have to work with.

Aside from my personal experiences and observations, this problem of kids lying when testifying is something that reports have shown (See some examples in Google) happens quite a lot, making it imperative that experts take pains to check for it, before any decision is made in mediating disputes.

This is why I am compiling and promoting articles like the one below, as widely as possible, for the attention of disputing couples, and any experts or professionals working with them. Kids are fickle minded and LOVE their parents.

A manipulative parent can use them to hurt the other, even if the child does not like it.

Read the article below to better understand that things are not often as straightforward as they may seem, where so called “child testimony” is concerned.

Failure to put these considerations into use when dealing with disputing couples with kids could lead to villification of an innocent partner!

===
TITLE: When children lie and why they lie and why people who work with separated families should know that they lie and why

PREVIEW:

False allegations are a feature of family separation, especially when that separation is accompanied by high levels of conflict. Writing in the splendidly detailed and must have book for all mental health practitioners working with separated families – Parental Alienation – The Handbook for Legal and Mental Health Professionals, T W Campbell tells us

False allegations of CSA (Child Sexual Abuse) typically originate as rumours and can spiral out of control as the ensuing processes of rumour dissemmination gather greater and greater momentum. False allegations do not involve the malicious premeditation found in fabricated allegations (page 164)

Fabricated allegations however, are differentiated by Campbell as being

based upon premediated determination to direct allegations at an entirely innocent person (page 164)

Which is why, when we are working with separated families where such allegations are made, it is important to know how the allegation arose in the first place and then what impact the allegation had upon the concentric circles around the family. This allows differentiation and differentiation allows deeper understanding, of the nature of the allegations and why and how they arose.

Continue reading full article

https://karenwoodall.blog/2015/03/21/when-children-lie-and-why-they-lie-and-why-people-who-work-with-separated-families-should-know-that-they-lie-and-why/

pa-kids-lie

 

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[DVAM] Yes, sex is food, Nkechi Emmanuel tells married women – Here’s the URL for the ORIGINAL SOURCE of what I consider PURE WISDOM on relationships

Hmmm…something made me Google for more on this title/theme and suddenly I discovered what would appear to be the ORIGINAL source of the excellent thoughts I shared to my Facebook wall on Christmas Day December 25 at 6:20 AM (screenshot below):

 

sx-fak

In line with my uncompromising stance on giving due attribution to the true originator of any ideas I choose to use or refer to, I NOW post the link to the authentic source below to acknowledge the AUTHENTIC author of what I consider PURE WISDOM on relationships:

sx
https://www.vanguardngr.com/2017/02/yes-sex-food-nkechi-emmanuel-tells-married-women/