If I let a 14 year old child dictate to me about a potentially beneficial real-world relevant learning activity I’ve instructed her to engage in, which she has an OPINION on, but little knowledge about, or experience in, then I am practicing Permissive Parenting – which would be WRONG, and also IRRESPONSIBLE of me!
Sadly, that’s what (faulty) Permissive Parenting (promoted by some non-African societies) which is increasingly popular today, is making parents do.
In the name of adopting “civilization” from some parts of the developed world, we Africans have been making the mistake of discarding most of our traditional African Parenting Methods in favour of mass media promoted non-African ones.
And that’s why our African social systems are collapsing.
As parents, we are to guide our kids even as we acknowledge the genius/talents they are blessed with.
In a past article titled “Parenting is NOT a Democracy” I explained that successful parenting will not happen if you make the mistake of letting your kids dictate terms to you.
Don’t get me wrong. You must listen to them and ensure they activities you require them to engage in are truly beneficial to them. For instance it is not wise to force them to learn a subject or skill they do not have a natural interest in or passion for. Indeed history has shown that kids do best as something that interests or excites them.
However LIFE is not always sweet and pleasant.
There are things each one of us needs to know, learn and be able to do that may sometimes not feel enjoyable or convenient for us!
Yet getting through them will be a requirement for us to achieve the progress, advancement or success we desire.
Unfortunately, when we are young and have little or no real life experience, it can be difficult to understand the above stated truth.
This is why teenagers in particular tend not to see eye to eye with their parents about certain issues in life till they leave home and have first hand experience of the real world (aka University of Hard Knocks – UHK). Unfortunately some of them may not recover from the shock of what they discover.
And that is why the parent who DOES have the experience and knowledge of the real world at that point in time MUST think and act in the BEST INTEREST of the child, even if the child does not agree or cannot see what lies ahead.
This is WHY the Creator made you the child’s parent. You know why that thing s/he finds uninteresting or unimportant is CRUCIAL for his/her success. So you need to assert yourself and insist the child does what you ask.
Letting the child vote on whether or not to obey you on such an issue (e.g. learning survival/income generating skills like sewing, cooking, hairstyling etc) amounts to ABDICATING your responsibility to give him/her the best possible preparation to succeed in the society you know s/he will enter.
In traditional African society, every adult was required to function in a parental role to every child – regardless of whether or not the child was biologically his/hers.
Any wayward child in traditional African society therefore often ended up getting corrected or disciplined by any adults who saw him/her doing wrong.
Then they would take him/her home and inform the child’s parents of what had been done.
The latter DID NOT contest what they were told about their kids, but instead accepted it and acted based on it to reinforce the lesson being communicated to the child.
This was how we grew up.
Society spoke to use about what was expected of us, without contradicting itself. You could be sure that if another adult heard what you did, s/he would readily echo what others had told you.
Today, lots of kids are being misled right from home, by their own parents, to behave badly. And when adults in society try to correct them some parents take sides with their kids!
The reverse also happens in which the child is misled to misbehave to their parents at home by adults s/he meets in society (sometimes even the teachers).
This is happening because we discarded our traditional parenting system.
Instead we have imported alien cultures and values systems. As a result, RESPECT is no longer cherished or taught to young people.
Parents now try to appease kids by indulging them, so the kids can say they (the parents) are “GOOD”.
Such weak parents believe that they should allow their kids to VOTE about whether or not they are good parents and about whether or not to obey them.
And when one parent is not on good terms with the other, sometimes s/he may deliberately bend the rules for the kids, or look the other way when they do wrong so the kids can reciprocate by supporting him/her against the other parent!
Children raised in such an environment often go on to become undisciplined, disrespectful adults unwilling to exert themselves to get anything they want.
A look at the quality of young and adult persons we have today in society shows that this borrowed approach to parenting DOES NOT WORK!
Those of us who grew up in the times when African parenting methods still prevailed know that it produced youths and adults with great strength of character, who could face life’s challenges without caving in to adversity or cutting corners to succeed.
It is my considered opinion that we NOW need to return to our original unadulterated African parenting methods, if we wish to avoid further decay in our society!
RELATED ARTICLES
1. Why parenting is not a democracy
Parenting is not a democracy. My husband James has joked it’s more like a benevolent dictatorship!
I’m not saying you shouldn’t consider your children’s opinions and preferences.
I’m not saying the family meeting doesn’t have a place.
What I am saying is you don’t have to put everything to a vote. You don’t have to make your family decisions by majority rule. The truth is God has put you as a parent ultimately in charge.
https://www.thecourage.com/why-parenting-is-not-a-democracy/
2. To Consult with Your Kids on Everything is Not Democracy, It’s Bad Parenting
Parenting has undergone a bad transformation during the last few decades. The structure of the family has also changed dramatically. It went from the pattern of considering children as chattel to children become the center of their parents universe.
3. This House is Not a Democracy: Parenting With Love and Ultimatums
For our kids, it’s about trusting us, the parents, to make the decision that is in their best interest, even when they can’t see it.
“No one bosses mommy around.” Ask any of my children, and they’ll quote you on this. They’re young yet…very much still feeling around in the sandbox for the untouchable acts that will get them in serious trouble.
Having twin three-year-olds is like going into the pet store to pick out a fish and finding yourself treading water in the tank. You’re just trying to keep your head above water, while they sucker themselves to your body. One misstep and the sheer mass of them will pull you under.
https://www.parent.com/no-one-bosses-mommy-around/
4. Parenting Isn’t a Democracy
I’m sure folks that read my “Chronicles” have concluded that “One-liners” drive a lot of my learning and belief system. Sayings such as: “You Can Only Expect What You Inspect.” When you begin to think about many of them, they truly speak volumes. That’s how the one-liner title I’ve used–referencing “Parenting”–hit me.
Of course we know that a newborn doesn’t come into this world with a neat computer chip that has pre-trained and pre-programmed that baby….They’re “wild little animals” and the training starts right after they’re born.
Looking back in time, the child rearing “Model” has changed so much. Fifty or more years ago, you heard expressions like: “Only speak when spoken to,” or “Always say, yes ma’am, yes sir” and discipline could get pretty rigid and often unforgiving.
http://www.fbma.org/blog/posts/parenting-isnt-a-democracy.html
5. PII 007: Parenting Is NOT A Democracy [Hint: The Need to Assert Yourself to Get Results That Matter – Lesson from True Story of a Girl Who Made Pizza Without An Oven]
Too many of us grow up being overly concerned about pleasing others, so they can like us, and/or have good things to say about us.
I used to be that way, and like I explained in the true stories narrated in my book – Kukuru Danger – it got me into LOADS of trouble!
Life has taught me that no matter how hard you try, people will still decide not to like you if they do NOT want to like you. Same applies to what they say about you.
In addition, I learnt – the hard way – that failing to say what needs to be said to others, would often lead me (and sometimes them!) to avoidable suffering and pain…
By “others” I also refer to kids – for those of us who are parents or have to function in that role to young people.
As a parent, I’ve used thes insight to decide when to put my foot down with my kids, and when to look the other way or let things pass.
What I’ve learnt to remember is that for young people who have yet to experience life, there will often be a need to be FIRM, and not let have their way at times!
This is because YOU the adult will often KNOW more about the benefits to be had, or consequences that will result from such situation(s) or circumstance(s).
In other words, with few exceptions, young people will usually not have the benefit of YOUR experience based insights as a COMPETENT adult, that comes from having done stuff they are contemplating BEFORE them.
In such situations therefore, you’ll simply have to act based on your superior knowledge and insights, and let them learn from the benefit of hindsight LATER.
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