Many adults/parents today have a natural interest in – and love for – a different kind of vocation from that which they are currently engaged in. The problem is some FEAR that trying to make a change might require more effort than they believe they could possibly put in.
Others worry about how to care for their families while making the transition – especially where it has to do with giving up steady income for a period(like I did when I quit a bright career future with a corporate multinational to start my own business).
I have personally vowed not to let any of my kids suffer the needless pains of self-discovery I had to go through. Instead, I believe I should put my knowledge of what worked or did not work for me (it could work for my kids) at my kids’ disposal.
Then I would periodically discuss with them about how they can adopt my approach or evolve a better one. In this article I share some of my ideas with any parent(s) who also want to help their kids achieve self-discovery.
(This article was originally written in 2003, and published online in 2006. It is one of twenty-five(25) contained in Tayo Solagbade’s Ebook titled “25 Articles/True Stories On Self-Development, Entrepeneuring & Web Marketing To Help You Succeed More Often“)
Some of the ideas I share in this article have been influenced or inspired, in part, by my study of Robert Kiyosaki’s writings in three of his books: “Rich Dad, Poor Dad”, “Rich Kid, Smart Kid”, and “If You Want To Be Rich And Happy, Don’t Go To School?”.
So, What Qualifies Me To Write On This Subject?
I (like you) was once a child myself. I grew up with many questions running through my mind. Why does this have to be this way? What makes it impossible to do that? Why shouldn’t I try using another method? Some I got answers to. Some I did not. Some answers were satisfactory. Others were not. I chose to explore further to find more/better answers to my questions. That search eventually led me into the work I now do today on Self-Development Education.
Some adults (and even my peers) discouraged me from being too inquisitive or asking too many questions. Others encouraged me to do the opposite. Some even advised me to avoid making mistakes if I wanted to be successful! Now that one really bugged me. How on earth could one become so good to the point that she would never make mistakes? I knew it wasn’t possible, yet I couldn’t challenge this adult because he was older – and by the culture I was born into (supposedly) “knew better”.
I also discovered one painful truth: That I never really exploited my relationship with my parents/other adults to gain valuable insight into what it would take to succeed in life as an adult by tapping from their experiences. But then, my parents belonged to a generation who did not think it necessary to bother children with too many details of their childhood experiences. As I was to later discover, some parents – especially those in the city – even assume you’re learning just by watching them. A very wrong assumption indeed!
Hence, we found that our peers brought up in the village, who attended school with us always came across as more “mature” (bearing “old heads on young shoulders”), whenever we interacted. The reason: The old people in the village had passed timeless wisdom/insights to them through prolonged the periods of contact they had. They thus became “wiser” about “life” much quicker than those of us who grew up in the “city”.
This is why I have a special focus in my work on influencing the thinking about HOW education should be provided to children/youths in general. It is my belief that if parents can take a more active role in influencing their children’s development, the latter will respond with much better performances than ever recorded. What I am now doing by writing articles, as well as offering Self-Development/Performance Enhancement Talks/Seminars and Coaching programs, is to facilitate that process by sharing my ideas (and those of others I have studied) on how it can be achieved.
Adults Need To Actively Coach Their Kids Towards Succeeding In Society/Life
A society only truly succeeds when its new members(children) learn what it takes to survive and flourish in it like the adults that arrive ahead of them. A lion cub that grows up in a pride of lions roaming the African savannah, is unlikely to go hungry from the lack of hunting prowess the way its orphaned cousin raised by humans could.
The same analogy can be applied to humans. With proper coaching by adults who have the right mix of knowledge, skills and experience, children can be prepared well ahead for most of the decisions they have to take and/or challenges they will encounter in life.
The result would be a dramatic increase in their capability for achieving success in life.
Here Are Ten(10) Practical Steps I Believe Parents Can Take To Help Their Kid(s) Achieve Self-Discovery
1. Encourage A Thinking/Reading Habit. In certain cultures, young people are often required to be in awe of adults. The Yoruba tribe(to which I belong) for instance have a naughty saying that translates literally to mean: “why else am I older than you, if not to take advantage of you”! Another which irks me even more is: “Adults don’t tell lies”! (Where?? I ask… In Heaven??).
Of course the children in society see the blatant contradictions in these sayings propagated by (and for the benefit of) these adults. They won’t be deceived – not in today’s world. What is worse – they’ll lose faith in the adults who use such sayings to justify denying them of what they (the children) want/rightfully own.
A healthy reading/thinking habit that taps knowledge from other cultures, is a good way of helping a child develop a broad perspective of life. The understanding that results from this, will enable the child easily break away from stereotyped thinking in order to discover her real purpose in life. If nothing else, reading stories about the lives and achievements of people from other parts of the world will help break the psychological myths/limitations that might be forced upon the child in her own immediate environment. Consequently, her acceptance of what is impossible will be very limited – if at all.
2. Provide New And Varied Experiences. Be deliberate. Have a plan, and make it structured. The objective must be to get the child to have specific experiences that will teach specific USEFUL lessons. Think back to your childhood and the growing up years you had. Recall your own mistakes, which taught you so much. Share them with your child and urge her to be unafraid of exploring and making mistakes too.
For instance, whenever possible, I jump at every opportunity to take my kids with me wherever I go, so they can get a feel for the work I’m engaged in. Deliberately involve them in different areas of your personal and work life whenever you find it convenient. Give them a peek into your world. That just might give them the “edge” much later in life amongst peers/colleagues.
Those short moments of close interaction do wonders for children(I know because I used to be one, and I know how I felt, when I had such experiences. What about you?. Most importantly, providing opportunities for varied experiences will equip the child to compare and contrast intelligently, later in life, in trying to come to a decision.
3. Respect The Child’s Intelligence/Experience. You must respect your child’s intelligence and experience -no matter how little you think she has. Some parents think they must not let their children challenge what they are told. In the process, the natural inquisitiveness of the child gets stifled. This does immeasurable damage to the child psychologically.
By repeatedly shouting a child who voices an opinion down, you make her feel inadequate and when amongst her peers, she shows this in form of a lack of self-confidence. If you want your child to successfully discover herself, you must treat her with respect. If you want her to develop a healthy level of self-esteem, make her feel valued. Show respect for her opinion. People who do not believe in themselves often struggle to decide what they want to do – tending to get easily swayed by what others think or say.
Those parents that decide for their children what courses of study to pursue are setting their children up for likely failure or themselves (the parents) for future embarrassment. I recall discussing with a father who said he told his son to take Additional Mathematics in a Pre-University Admission exam because he (the father) never passed the subject in school, and he believed he needed to make his son pass it, because it was “important”.
The son on the other hand confided in me that he had no interest whatsoever in the subject, having opted for commercial studies. It is very unwise and unfair to try living out your fantasies through your children. You cannot correct the mistakes of your own life, by making your children live the life you believe you ought to have lived.
4. Help Find/Protect The Child’s Genius. Most children are born with special skills or abilities, which if quickly identified and nurtured will help the child. Spend time with your child. Watch her closely. Ask questions and offer suggestions so you can gradually tease out the unique gift your child has. Every child has something special to offer this world. I don’t need to be a child psychologist to know that – I was once a child too…So were you!
5. Develop A Close Relationship Based On Sharing. Especially sharing YOUR own mistakes and what you learnt from them. Don’t tell them you always came first in class. Today’s kids are much smarter :-).
They know when you’re telling them “untruths” (for your benefit I won’t call them “lies” – which is what they really are…Oops, sorry!) Then again, why teach them the wrong thing? Don’t we often learn much more from mistakes we make, than we do from other experiences we have? The reason is simple: Mistakes hurt more. The “sting” – in our memory – is sharper, so we remember better – which means learning achieved is longer lasting as a result.
Learn to tell them about your mistakes. You’ll find they’ll thank you for it because then they’ll grow up knowing it’s not abnormal to make mistakes or be wrong. So long as the mistakes are not about the same thing every single time.
“I have made mistakes, but I have never made the mistake of claiming I never made one”
– James Gordon Bennett (1841 – 1918) Journalist
6. Teach The Child To View Adversity As An Opportunity To Grow. This will help eliminate fear of intelligent risk-taking or experimentation. It will also aid the process of sorting out exactly which of the fancied vocations she wants to pursue seriously in life.
Some adults believe that visitations of adversity are consequences of prior wrongdoing by the affected person. This is very often not necessarily the case. A little unbiased reading about the experiences of well known successful people will reveal (as pointed out by James Cook in his book “The Startup Entrepreneur”) that the eventual level of success achieved is often proportional to the extent of suffering undergone by a person.
It has been said that every adverse experience carries with it the potential for achievement of equivalent or greater benefits. This foregoing phrase has been proven to be true in the lives of so many well-known and successful people. It continues to prove true today, now – in my own life too. I experienced it in my first few years as a Trainee Manager, and I always ended up looking back with gratitude to those periods of hardship/adversity. My experiences away from paid employment tell me the same thing. I am convinced of the accuracy of this statement.
That’s why I can tell you will full conviction that you can teach your child to view difficulty, hardships, and setbacks as very useful experiences, which often prepare one for future great achievements. But then after you’ve told the child all that, you MUST walk your talk. You must show by your actions that you believe it; else your words will mean nothing to the child afterwards. If you can’t do THAT, then don’t even start this!
Let me repeat myself. If you want to successfully teach your child to view adversity as a useful experience, that will equip her to achieve her purpose, you MUST be prepared to show her FIRST that you also believe it.
7. Find Out What Makes Her Tick. Develop an interest in what interests your child. Watch the child frequently and try to discover what activities seem to interest/excite her naturally. What does she often show enthusiasm for, and never seem to get bored with or tired of doing?
Once you notice it, try and encourage her to explore further. As appropriate buy other toys, gifts, books etc to further stimulate her interest. It doesn’t matter if the interest later dies off, and the child moves on to something else. It’s not the specific activity that’s important at this stage. Rather, it’s the experiences that are being acquired. All this initial “nourishing” will later bear good fruits as the child grows older and gains better sense of discernment/direction.
8. Nurture Your Child’s Self-Esteem : Resist the temptation – or rid yourself of the desire – to use your children to impress your peers, colleagues, friends, relatives or rivals. If you are not sure if this “ailment ” afflicts you, let me list a few symptoms that are sure-signs of its presence:
a. You choose to put them in a specific school because you do not want xyz to think you cannot afford a school as good as the one she sends her kids to.
b. You buy expensive clothes for your kids in order to make sure xyz’s kids don’t “out class” them.
c. In general, your decision to do anything for(or to) your kids is often determined by how you think it will make you look “better” or avoid being outdone by others you feel you need to impress or keep up with.
As you will have noticed, none of the above listed symptoms has anything to do with your child. They are all about you – the parent! Search yourself. If you think that you are guilty in any way of even ONE of the above, make a change today.
Children, as earlier stated, watch us adults more closely than we realise – especially comparing how what we say conforms to what we do. And they subsequently act accordingly, based on their observations. If your kids notice that you like to “keep up with the Joneses”, they are likely to develop an appetite for similar behaviour.
Once a person begins comparing herself to others, she stands a chance of losing her sense of individuality/self-esteem. A person who lacks self-esteem is VERY unlikely to WANT to discover her purpose in life, talk less of pursuing it. People who lack self-esteem often never want anything for themselves(and hardly ever believe they can achieve anything worthwhile on their own) – instead preferring to find out what so and so wants, and then deciding that they also want it.
There is a quote that underscores the need to avoid developing this kind of mentality:
“You were born an original. Don’t die a copy!” – Anon
9. Do Not Hesitate To Be Firm: Covering up your child’s bad habits or condoning laziness will not help her discover her true purpose in life easily. An environment devoid of corrective guidance from adults with the right orientation can be harmful. Every once in a while, it will be necessary to put your foot down, and discipline your child when s/he goes astray.
I will never forget the instances when my parents had to thrash me for stealing from my mother’s purse, getting suspended from school and other naughty acts. The memory of how upset they were on each occasion, stayed with me right into my adulthood, and made it VERY easy for me to decide whether or not to join others who wanted to be naughty every where else I found myself.
If I had not gotten that corrective feedback (sometimes painfully) handed back to me, I am certain I would never have gone on to discover myself as I eventually did. This last point is probably the most important you will need to bear in mind. Your child, without adequate exposure to appropriate discipline, will find it difficult to develop the focus needed to discover herself. You therefore have an obligation, as a parent, to provide it.
10. Seek Professional Counsel. I would be treading dangerously if I did not add this! I make no claim to being an “expert” in this field. There are people who are trained to give advice on these matters. So, please ask the advice of child education experts – and the kid(s) teacher(s) too!
Some words of caution!
In doing the above, however, I suggest that you try to be sensitive to two probable shortcomings of some of the people we call “experts” – who are first and foremost human beings themselves:
1. Henry Ford reportedly distrusted experts, believing they were too familiar with the reasons that something could not be done.
“The moment one gets into the expert state of mind, a great number of things become impossible” – Henry Ford
2. James Cook wrote that sometimes those we ask for advice(e.g “Experts”) will give us responses based on whether what THEY think you wish to do(or the implications of it) will have positive or negative consequences for them(as I said “They’re human!”).
One example: As a child, Daley Thompson had an aptitude for combining many activities – and tended not to really be fully engaged if he had to focus on just one. His teachers in school thought this meant he had ADD(Attention Deficit Disorder), but the parents(thankfully) refused to accept that and challenged the school to engage the young child’s energies appropriately. The rest is history – Daley Thompson went on to become World Decathlon champion, holding the title for more than a decade.
Following from the above, I will end by saying that in exploring ways to give your child a head start in life, you might want to focus on discovering what works, and not just what someone else thinks will not. Maybe you’ll end up being the one (or one of those) who discovers the better way of doing it. If you fail to give it a try, you – and YOUR child – stand to lose more than you are likely to gain.
When Should I Start Doing These Things?
A question might arise: What age should the child be when one starts to do this? Again, I believe it’s not possible to say with any degree of certainty. Oprah Winfrey once had a number of unusually gifted/successful child geniuses on her show, some as young as 5 years old (and I think even younger!). Most were already earning huge amounts of income because of special skills or talents discovered early, and nurtured by their parent(s). So I would say, “start as soon as you notice the earlier described tell-tale signs in your child”.
Let me also make this important point: If you TRULY love your child, spending quality time with him/her will certainly NOT be a boring or difficult experience for you – no matter how busy you are!
Robert Kiyosaki suggests in one of his books that parents look for ways to make their kids desire to learn, instead of forcing them to do so, when they are not ready. You need to find the way that each child prefers to learn, and use it to pass on whatever new knowledge/skills you want him to acquire. Then you need to encourage the child to apply that knowledge – and not be afraid to make mistakes at first. Again, I speak based on personal experience with my own kids, when I say this!
How Will You Know When Your Child Has Found Her Purpose?
So, how will you know when (or whether) you’ve succeeded in achieving your goal of helping your child discover her raison d’etre (as the French would say) i.e. her reason for being; her purpose on earth…her Magnificent Obsession. This, as I explained in my self-help manual titled “Ten Ways You Can Use Self-Development To Create The Future You Want” will be that which if achieved would make a person confirm to a reporter interviewing her on her death bed that she has – in her opinion – lived a fulfilled life, and has no regrets about some other thing(s) she could have given a try, or done better!
I make no pretences that this is not a difficult question to answer. It is so for many reasons. Mainly however is the fact that human beings generally go through various phases in life as they grow/mature over time. Today the burning issue for a person might be politics, tomorrow it could be religion.
But let me be more direct: Your child will be starting the process described above much earlier (i.e. if you do what I propose). The advantage she will have will be the opportunity to carefully evaluate the identified/available options over time – almost at leisure.
Hopefully, with proper guidance from adults/parents, she will eventually settle for a number of activities and later gravitate towards a key specialty, passion, or vocation. Whichever way one looks at it, such a child would have been better prepared for the possible challenges of the future than many of us were at the same age.
I wish you well as you begin to invest personally – and more consciously – in your child’s future