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CREDIT: Original Video and Voice by: @lekan_kingkong
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I relocated to Lagos from Benin City in 2009.

Since then, I have learned several things: Some good, and some were really bad. The bad ones were more.

Like I was saying, one of the things I learned was that every Lagosian has 3 places s/he “lives” – their rented accomodation, their workplace/office as well as in traffic jam on the highway.

The place that costs us the most money among these 3 places, is the one we spend the least time in, while the one that has no meaning in our lives is the one that wastes our time the most.

Sigh. You see Lagos is divided into 3 main areas namely: Mainland, Island and Lowland.

You can stylishly ask any friend of yours who lives in Lagos, which of those 3 areas we’ve mentioned s/he resides in Lagos…then sit back and listen as s/he lies through his/her teeth to you!

As for me, I live in a part of the Mainland, but I won’t tell you the address because NEPA staff are still on a manhunt for me, as a result of the last video I made.

But back then I worked on the Island. Let me tell you: What is worse than working on the Island and living on the Mainland, is for one to reside on the Lowland and work on the Island!

You wake up at 4a.m, leave home at 5a.m, get to work by 7a.m, start work by 8a.m, leave work by 5p.m, get home by 10p.m, pound yam to eat at night and still wake up at 4a.m the next day, including Weekends!

Don’t be fooled, 90% of Lagosians suffer from High Blood Pressure. No – This is no joke at all.

For a person to sit uncomfortably in a vehicle for long hours, on a wooden/metal bench, while enduring the unholy body odour from 14 other people, who you cannot be certain all had their baths!

Yes, it’s a mouthful, Conductor: it’s you I’m looking at!

At the same time your mind will not be at rest because any of your fellow passengers could steal from you, if you make the mistake of dozing off.

They would not care if you’re late or whether you could lose your job because you slept for 5 hours instead of 4 and you spent one hour at the car park before getting transportation to work.

Remember not to get into a quarrel with anyone because you’re already late. Unless of course if the conductor refuses you to give you your change. Now THAT we’ll understand. You can get into the mother of all fights with him.

Now don’t make the mistake of assuming that all your problems will disappear once you buy a car of your own. [Laugh] I once saw a rich man who jumped out of his Range Rover and hopped onto a Commercial Bike (Okada) to avoid being late for a meeting he was to attend!

Or you could sit in your car staring at your house 20 feet away, but it takes you 1 hour to get there. Those who take the bus can still quickly get down and trek the remaining distance, or take shortcuts to get home.

But you who drive your own car? My friend, you’ll have to wait it out! The best place to be in a traffic jam  is however not in the bus or your own car. It’s in your friend’s car.

And why is this so? It’s not hard to figure out at all. The fun you’ll have in your own car is the same you’ll get in your friend’s car – but without needing to be the one gripping the wheel driving.

You can even doze off and sleep soundly, since  it’s a free ride. If the traffic jam  gets worse you can even get down and tell him “See you later!”

[Laugh] I’ll never forget the day my boss helped me by giving me a lift from work, when I had to leave him behind in a traffic jam. All sorts of Night Vigils and events were happening in Lagos that weekend. Lagos came to a standstill!

That was 3 years ago. My boss is still stuck there till today. And I believe none of my friends can hear me now, because the friend with whom I was last in a traffic jam  had to watch me longingly as a I downed a bottle of Fanta with Gala, knowing he could not ask for some because it was an offence to eat/drink while driving!

He was deeply pained and almost cried because he dared not ask for some to eat because doing so was risky. Someone that LASTMA, Police, VIO, Road Safety, and some dark/evil spirits are watching from their hiding places, waiting for him to make the mistake.

They would simply pounce on him – no matter how small his offence. Er, but it’s not so bad all the same. You can buy whatever you want in the Lagos traffic jam : Food, pets, chairs and other household items, life insurance. I’ve even had someone try to sell land to me in the traffic jam .

You can even meet and befriend a total stranger in the traffic jam. I remember the day I hooked up with a pretty girl in the traffic jam  who gave me her number. You can also listen to latest music on radio – and various programs.

But I think the root cause of traffic jam  on Lagos roads is the lack of patience of the drivers. When one driver puts on his tailight indicating intention to make a turn, one would imagine the driver behind would have enough sense to understand that s/he needs to slow down – that the one in front intends to make a turn.

But no. Instead of waiting s/he would stubbornly refuse to give way, by stomping on the accelerator pedal. For this reason you must drive without indicating you wish to turn or change lanes, because when you’re at “war” you must not give your “enemy” any clues about what your next move is!

After driving in Lagos city for a long time, I was shocked to discover when I traveled to another city and saw how road users interacted patiently with one another while driving. I wondered if my eyes were deceiving me, until suddenly a car screeched impatiently past me, only narrowly failing to hit me.

And when I looked at the license plate? It was once again a Lagos driver! We’ve gone mad I say! To the extent that in Lagos state, people will even tell you off for actually patiently letting another vehicle go ahead of you! Let me give you a tip.

Here are 2 kinds of people you must avoid at all costs in Lagos traffic jam: First are the Danfo Drivers – because they are really hot headed and act like they own the roads.And the second group? It’s the temperamental female driver. Don’t contest for use of the road with a temperamental female driver! A lady once knowingly hit a police officer standing in her way. After he’d rolled helplessly across her car hood for a few seconds, he fell into a gutter at the side of the road.

I’m sure he’ll never try doing that again for the rest of his life! Please don’t get me wrong. I love women a lot. Infact women have played a monumental role in the successes I have achieved in my life.

For instance when I used to work on the Island, there was a day I went on a date with a girl – remember the one I hooked up with in traffic jam the other time? You know those kinds of gorgeously attractive girls that make you EVEN ask yourself “Wow…but how did I get her to say YES to ME???”

Anyway, she and I agreed to meet for a meal and drinks. Being the smart guy that I was, I ensured the spot was close to where I lived. Hehe…Then I made very sure on the D-day that I finished all the work I was assigned by 4p.m. Then I pleaded with my boss to let me off early, claiming I needed to see the Doctor.

At exactly 4.30p.m I hopped on to an Okada and took the first vehicle so as to avoid the rush hour traffic jam. My dearest in the Lord, would you believe I got home at 10p.m?! I quit my job the very next day. You see, the best place to be during Lagos traffic jam is in your bed at home!

That’s why I love the new job I just started – which involves Working From Home. The only problem with being a young man working from home sitting in front of a Computer from morning till night is that he is likely to get labelled a YAHOO BOY!

Please! PLEASE!! PLEASE!!!

Busola, Iya Ayo, and all you gossips in the neighbourhood. listen to me.

I am not engaged in any crooked vocation. The next time you come asking me silly questions about whether a “maga”(name for person duped by Yahoo Boy) has paid, I will smash a laptop on your heads.

Did you get that?

Goodbye.

Errr…although the girl I talked about the other time no longer speaks to me…