Last week, on Tuesday 18th September 2018, I spoke as a panellist, at the 2018 SYMPOSIUM IN COMMEMORATION OF THE LAGOS STATE DOMESTIC AND SEXUAL VIOLENCE AWARENESS MONTH, organized by the Lagos State Domestic and Sexual Violence Response Team (DSVRT).

The theme of the symposium was:

SECURING THE HOME AGAINST VIOLENCE… EVERYONE’S RESPONSIBILITY

I participated as a member of a 4 person panel, guided by a moderator – ALL female. In other words, I was the only male person among them.

In this piece, I explain why THAT fact (that I was the only person belonging to the male gender) is significant.

To get my message across, I highlight letters written by 2 male DV victims to Gloria Ogunbadejo, who publishes the Mental Health Matters column in Nigeria’s Sunday Punch newspaper. And I also highlight the sad and shocking story, of a Nigerian man who killed his 4 kids and sister-in-law following series of altercations with his wife, in Nigeria’s Anambra state.

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Tayo Solagbade’s
Performance Improvement IDEAS
(PI Squared) Newsletter

Monday 24th September 2018

NB: This PI Squared newsletter will be published weekly, on Mondays, in place of the Speaking/Web Marketing IDEAS newsletter, starting from today – 15th February 2016. I’m reinventing my Monday newsletter content and theme, to accommodate my vision of serving the growing audience of serious minded individuals and organizations reaching out to me, with information, education. news and research findings designed to help them do what they do better.

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PII 135: Neglecting Domestic  Violence Victims Can Cause Serious Tragedies – True Stories [Highlights from my discussion of “The Culture of Silence as it negatively affects male Survivors.” at the 2018 SYMPOSIUM IN COMMEMORATION OF THE LAGOS STATE DOMESTIC AND SEXUAL VIOLENCE AWARENESS MONTH]

Last week, on Tuesday 18th September 2018, I spoke as a panellist, at the 2018 SYMPOSIUM IN COMMEMORATION OF THE LAGOS STATE DOMESTIC AND SEXUAL VIOLENCE AWARENESS MONTH, organized by the Lagos State Domestic and Sexual Violence Response Team (DSVRT).

The theme of the symposium was:

SECURING THE HOME AGAINST VIOLENCE… EVERYONE’S RESPONSIBILITY

Venue was:

AGIP RECITAL HALL, MUSON CENTRE on Lagos Island.

Below: The programme

Below: Panel 1 in session (I was seated in the audience)

Below: Notepad handed out to attendees

Below: Flyer in Yoruba language announcing the DSVRT’s support services 

Below: Photo of dignitaries/guests invited – extreme right is Prof. Badru, who have the lecture.

I participated as a member of the second (4 person) panel, guided by a moderator – ALL female. In other words, I was the only male person among them.

Now, here’s why THAT fact (that I was the only person belonging to the male gender) is significant

You see (according to information supplied to us by the organizers):

“…the essence of the panel was to enlighten members of the public on the travails of survivors of Domestic and Sexual Violence, the effect of the culture of silence on access to justice, and the role of all members of the society in curbing Domestic and Sexual Violence and providing succour to survivors.”

In case you missed it, what captured my interest was THE all inclusive theme, which implied that men, just like children and women, can be victims of Domestic Violence (DV)/abuse.

That theme, was – for me – a significant and noteworthy departure from past efforts to create awareness in which stakeholders and other key players routinely mentioned “women and children” as the victims, and men as the abusers or culprits.

If you have been following my “Domestic Violence Against Men – Ideas for Identifying and Stopping It” Facebook page, you most likely know, from numerous news reports, true stories, research papers etc I’ve featured there, that men – even right here in Africa/Nigeria are increasingly opening up about physical, emotional and psychological abuse they suffer at the hands of their intimate female partners.

The problem is, and has been for a long time, that most male victims get ignored and stigmatized for calling attention to themselves. And this makes them choose to stay silent, rather than speak out, or ask for help.

Unfortunately, given the potentially serious impact of continuous exposure to abuse (verbal and physical) on a person’s state of mind (aka Mental Heath), all sorts of bad things can happen when a sufferer is unable to find help, support, or guidance to deal with what s/he is going through.

For instance, the sad and shocking story I feature below, of the Nigerian man who killed his 4 kids and sister-in-law, could probably have been avoided, if awareness about and support systems to deal with Domestic Violence had been available, and accessible to him – or those around him and his family.

During my talk, I challenged the audience to realize that male sufferers of DV could be ANY of their loved ones belonging to the male gender.

I think a lot of people tend to forget this, when they voice opinions about DV based on stereotypes about men always being the abusers.

This is what makes it possible for abusive females, who know about this flawed perceptions held by those meant to tackle DV, to game the system, and abuse their male partners at will, while positioning themselves as victims, knowing they will be believed.

The above situation is what made the symposium’s theme resonate so greatly with me.

But I was even more interested in the request made that during the panel session, I discuss: “The Culture of Silence as it negatively affects male Survivors.”

I found that quite significant…and here’s why:

We already know and acknowledge the reality of what has been dubbed “Self-Defense Gone Bad” in the case of abused women who hurt or kill their abusive male partners while trying to defend themselves.

But very little is being said or admitted generally about what male sufferers go through.

That’s why I believe the topic, and the theme of the symposium were apt for the times we are in today. They are a welcome acknowledgement of the needs of persons belonging to the male gender as victims of DV too.

That symposium’s has helped us take a massive step forward in the fight against this increasingly pervasive problem of DV – especially on the home front, and in particular, between intimate partners.

When I gave my talk, I drew the attention of the audience to the cases of 2 different men, who within an interval a few months had written letters (the more recent of the two, being published on 2nd September 2018) to Gloria Ogunbadejo, publisher of the Mental Health Matters column in Nigeria’s Sunday Punch Newspaper.

Gloria had published those letters, in her column, to give voice to the male sufferers.

Both men, in their separate letters, had revealed that they were in marital relationships, in which they suffered severe Domestic Violence.

Now, here’s what I found most significant:

1. Both men expressed the view that they would get laughed at for claiming to be abused by their wives

2. Both men revealed that they had been pushed to their limits

a. The first said it got to a point that, unable to take anymore abuse from his wife, he gave her what he called the “beating of her life”. This caused her relatives to call a meeting etc. He noted that he would no longer take anymore abuse from her.

b. The second said he’d actually been contemplating suicide when he read Gloria’s article published the week before, titled “Battered Woman Syndrome”. He said the article resonated greatly with him, even though he was NOT a woman, because all that Gloria wrote in the piece was what he had suffered!

In case you miss the point I am trying to make, let me state it more directly.

You see, the admissions made by those 2 men are suggestive of what is happening to many other men who are choosing to stay silent and not reach out for help.

And the reason they act this way is not that they do not want to be helped, but they worry that they will not be taken seriously or worse that they will be mocked and ridiculed.

The reports of experiences by many male sufferers of domestic violence in Nigeria and other parts of the world confirm that these men’s fears are valid.

In most climes, men who complain about or report that they are being abused by women, tend not to be believed and quite often even get labelled, or punished (e.g. arrested) as the abusers!

It goes without saying that I cannot reproduce my talk here. However, there is one point I emphasized, that is captured in the following admonition to ALL members of the male gender:

“Ignore the Macho Myth™. Even the fictional superman gets helped every now and then – and by little kids too (because unlike him, they are immune to Kryptonite). Refuse societal pressures to endure abuse to prove you’re strong, or because it’s what a man does. Nothing could be further from the truth. The following quote, which I picked up from our panel’s moderator, should drive the point being made further home: “If boys were not meant to cry, they would not have tear glands.”

Understand that YOU, being male, are a human being, with feelings and emotions – just like women and children. The longer you stay exposed to abuse, the more damage it does to you. It will take its toll, wearing you down, until you crack. So, if you’re experiencing abuse, be it physical, emotional or psychological, from someone who refuses to stop, GET AWAY NOW, and seek help FAST.

Your manhood is not proven by a refusal to protect yourself from harm. That’s not bravery, that’s foolhardiness. It’s not strength, it’s stupidity. Asking for help will NOT make you any less of a man. Get help NOW, before something happens that you, and/or your abuser may end up regretting.” – Tayo K. Solagbade

Now, it is possible that persons reading this may not fully appreciate what I mean by something regrettable happening.

So, I will end this piece, by referring you to the news report about a Nigerian man and his family, in Obosi, a town in Nigeria’s Anambra state, who stabbed his 4 kids and sister- in-law to death, after which he committed suicide by ingesting a poisonous substance.

Click the link below to learn more (includes a video clip):

https://www.pulse.ng/gist/metro/man-stabs-his-4-kids-sister-in-law-commits-suicide-id8036000.html

On that report page you will learn that:

1. He had returned from living abroad about a year before
2. Following his return, there had been frequent altercations between him and his wife due to the fact that she supposedly disrespected him.
3. The sister-in-law reportedly took sides with the wife (her sister) every time
4. Neighbours interviewed suggested the wife had had lovers while he was away and probably had kids for them
5. The man had been seeing a psychiatrist since his return from overseas

The above highlights from that story should give you a fair idea of the psychological environment this family had to interact with themselves in.

We may never know the truth. But what if the kids either stood aside or leaned toward their mother, during disputes? That could have further embittered the man against them.

My purpose here is NOT to paint this man as a victim or abuser.

No, that is NOT my intention.

Instead, what I’m saying is that being already in a mental health state that necessitating getting help from a mental health professional made this man already vulnerable either way!

 It was inevitable that the conflicts at home would push him to the edge…until he cracked.

The result was what made the news (A few similar sad stories appear on this Google results page – click)

Now, those are the ones that got reported. What we may never know is how many of such events have occurred that we never got to hear about.

My point here is that THAT such sad endings could have been prevented, if awareness about DV and what to do about it, had been high among the family’s neighbour’s friends, relatives and associates.

If people who watched them all that time had known where to go, who to call for help, and/or what to do or say to them, maybe those dead would still be alive today.

And THAT is why, we must as a society join forces with outfits like the Lagos State DSVRT to create massive awareness about this scourge, actively sharing information, and education to empower all who need it.

Click below to visit the DSVRT website and learn more about what they do, and how you can get involved.

Go to www.dsvrtlagos.org – click.

Below: Related Articles

1. [DVAM] How Women Destroy Love (Why Men Fall Out of Love) – by Kara Oh, US based National Relationship Expert | FREE VIDEO Based Transcript Slideshow created by Tayo K. Solagbade for www.facebook.com/stopdvambytks

“Today I wanted to offer a lesson on how to castrate a man.

Em, you may wonder, why would you wanna do that?

Well, probably the primary reason would be to get him out of your life, because that is the best way to get rid of a man.” – Kara Oh

Click here to learn how you can view my Verbatim Performance Improvement Video Text Transcript Slideshow version of the wonderfully insightful video message by Kara Oh.

It’s aptly titled “How Women Destroy Love.”

2, [DVAM] VIRAL VIDEO > 1m Views – What It Really Means to Be a ‘Strong Woman’: Nigerian Woman Delivers Hard Hitting Message to Peers About Relationships [FREE Verbatim Transcript PowerPoint Slideshow created by Tayo K. Solagbade for www.facebook.com/stopdvambytks]

In this post I share a link to the transcript slideshow I’ve prepared of a VIRAL VIDEO that has been watched over 1million times!

It’s message is VERY relevant to the current times.

3. PII 134 – Ideas to Empower Women Without Emasculating Men [Five (5) Suggestions for women empowerment experts that may need to review domestic violence accusations while mediating between disputing couples]

We need to protect women from abuse and empower them to actualize their full potentials. However, we must not do this blindly. The needs and rights of men must also be protected. Reports indicate that some women do batter their male partners and know how to game the system to cover their tracks. This trend can – and should – be reversed, if worthwhile benefits are to be achieved.

In this report, I offer five (5) suggestions about what can be done, and how to stop wrong things happening to men, when we try to empower women.

Click here to download it now – no signup required.

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Below: My description of what abusive women who inflict Domestic Violence (DV) on their male partners do, on my Facebook page…

A new generation of shrewdly manipulative and cunningly abusive women are using protective systems put in place by society to exploit males that are their intimate partners.

In other words, they are gaming the system and by so doing are making a mockery of the eFforts to stop domestic violence by exploiting stereotypes about males being the only perpetrators, to abuse their partners at will while readily adopting the accepted posture of “victim in self-defence” when their actions come under scrutiny.

What they do, they teach other women and their own daughters, who rarely know better. We need to fight and stop this trend. Our sons, brothers, fathers, uncles and other loved ones who belong to the male gender, remain at grave risk if we don’t.That’s why I’ve launched this page.

Hopefully, with time, others will acknowledge it happens, and begin to treat EACH case they handle on it’s own merit, rather than use harmful stereotypes and MALES being abusive while FEMALES are always the abused victim. The BAD women know this and use it to their advantage – making the men in their lives suffer needlessly. That must stop!

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CLICK HERE TO VISIT MY FACEBOOK ADVOCACY PAGE AND READ MORE ABOUT DVAM + HOW TO IDENTIFY/STOP IT

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