There’s a hilarious joke I love, about a pet parrot (let’s call him Oscar) that relentlessly taunted it’s owner’s new girlfriend for being “ugly” until she got mad and left him. In this article I narrate my “pimped” version of that joke to illustrate how having critical thinking skills can make anyone – including kids – more discerning, and capable of independent thought. I also offer real life examples of how otherwise good people who are not emancipated thinkers, can be easily misled into doing wrong and/or joining cults, gangs, or even terrorist groups!

Oscar The Parrot Meets His Owner’s New Girl – and Does Not Like Her

Osaro met Caro at a friend’s party, and they instantly hit it off. Compared to Lara, his last girl, Caro did not measure up in the looks department. But she made up for it with her wonderful personality.

One day Osaro invited Caro to his apartment. As she followed him into the living room, his pet parrot, Oscar (who Osaro had just pointed out to Caro), called out in a croaky voice in pidgin english:

“Osaro, but dis your new girl ugly O!”

Translation: “But Osaro, this new girl of yours sure IS ugly!”

On hearing this, Caro was naturally upset, and said to Osaro:

“Did you hear what your parrot said about me? I thought you said he was nice?”

Osaro apologised profusely to her, and told her he would warn the parrot. Walking up to the latter’s cage he hissed at Oscar:

“Next time I hear you make such a stupid remark about her, I’ll deal severely with you”.

2 weeks later, Caro came visiting again. Osaro had just had his bath when she knocked. As he led her past the cage, the wily parrot kept mum.

Having served her a drink, Osaro excused himself to go and finish dressing up for their lunch date.

The parrot waited till it was sure Osaro was out of earshot. Then in a lowered voice it called out to the seated girl:

“Ehn, but no vex O Caro. I neva see person wey ugly reach you enter this house before. Dats why I just no fit help myself.”

Caro did a double take:

“What? This crazy parrot dares to insult me again?” she screamed.

Osaro rushed out from his room saying “Honey, what happened?”

In a tearful voice she told him what the parrot said:

“Look, if you don’t get that crazy bird to stop insulting me, I’ll stop coming to your house!”

Osaro was incensed. Walking up to the cage, he grabbed it and shook it with the rage he felt, till he noticed a few feathers falling out. T hen biting off each word he said:

“You stupid bird. You think because you’ve been with me for years, I can’t get rid of you? Well you’re wrong. This is the last warning I’m going to give you. Keep your opinion to yourself. To me she looks pretty enough. Next time this happens, I won’t stop at shaking the cage, and by time I’m done with you, you’ll regret ever knowing me!”

With that he roughly dropped the cage back on its stand and went out with Caro, who was still sobbing.

Eventually, Oscar’s Big Mouth (or Beak?) Makes Them Break Up

Probably because of her last unpleasant experience, it was well over a month before Caro accepted to visit Osaro at home again.

As the day approached, Osaro made good his promise to sternly warn his parrot to watch its mouth during her visit. Virtually every day he issued reminders and threats of bodily harm to the talkative bird.

By the d-day, the bird looked thoroughly sobered up and subdued, and Osas was confident his planned candlelight dinner at home with Caro would go without any mishaps.

Sure enough, they had a lovely time together. After dinner they watched movies and had drinks, played games on the computer etc.

Too soon (for Osaro at least) it was time to take her home. He made a mental note to reward Oscar for his excellent conduct. Not a sound had come from him since Caro arrived. “Great bird!” he thought to himself, patting the cage fondly as he walked Caro out the door.

Just as they got to the car, Caro said she needed to ease herself. So he gave her the keys and waited as she went back to the apartment.

As Caro walked in alone, Oscar who had been quietly preening himself suddenly straightened up and followed her with his eyes until she shut the toilet door behind her.

Minutes later she walked past his cage and he again stared silently at her. Just as she opened the door to step out, Oscar, unable to pass up the opportunity said (half stammering):

“Pssst…Ehn Caro, bbbuut you yooou you still ugly sha!”

Translation: “Caro, but you’re still quite ugly, you know”!

As you can imagine all hell broke loose that night, with Caro running back to the car screaming blue murder…and telling the completely bewildered Osaro to take her home, and never come near her again.

No one knows what eventually happened to the parrot. Some of Osaro’s Close associates however claim Oscar’s cage disappeared, and that Osaro suddenly developed a strange appetite for roasted chicken…!

But We All Know Parrots Really Don’t Think – At Least Not Like Us

Parrots are known for picking up words from what they hear people say, and randomly repeating them, without application of conscious though.

In otherwords, Oscar the parrot, in our joke above, was an exception to the rule.

Our kids today attend school in a society where many teachers still encourage learners to memorise and regurgitate what they are told verbatim. That’s what our traditional schooling systems demand of learners. As a result, those who excel there are often those gifted in rote learning or memorisation.

The problem is that once kids get used to the idea that they only need to repeat what the teacher tells them in order to excel in school, they’ll naturally dispense with the idea of mastering the more difficult art of thinking.

Sadly, that’s what’s happening in many societies in this 21st century. Children attend schools where they are routinely made to respond to “repeat after me” teachers. Very rarely, if at all, are they encouraged or allowed to intellectually engage their teachers on what they are being taught. This results in the phenomenon of “mindless parrots” that Roberk Kiyosaki wrote about in his international bestseller titled “If You Want to Be Rich & Happy, Don’t Go To School?”

Oscar the parrot demonstrated a capacity for independent thinking, based on an ability to make finer distinctions. Unlike a “normal” parrot, Oscar made intelligent use of its thinking faculties to deduce that the new girl was not as pretty as others who had visited Osaro in the past. And despite threats and warnings, it repeatedly reviewed what it was told against what it observed and kept voicing its contrary view on the matter.

My reason for using this analogy is to show how training a person to think about what they are told, and not just accept it on face value, is important. More so for children. We owe our kids a duty to equip them with the intellectual skills to reject faulty reasoning and logic – a lot of which is flying around in today’s world.

When fanatics and cultists look to recruit followers, they target people lacking in Critical Thinking skills. People that are easily swayed by sentiment and emotion. Who do not have the mental discipline to engage in deep thinking and reflection.

If You Want To Enjoy Peace of Mind, Help Your Child Develop Critical Thinking Skills

As a parent, it goes without saying that you’d like to spend your retirement years watching your kids flourish in their own lives.

You certainly don’t want to be worried about your successful banker son getting arrested for financing or housing a terrorist group because his girlfriend became a member for instance!

But these things can, and do happen. That’s when the parents go on a talk show sharing details of how their child who has been found wanting grew up in a loving home…How he was so quiet and gentle, and would never hurt a fly…etc

The truth is you cannot and will not always be there to help your child think through what others tell her. Be it in school or the society at large.

So, if you don’t want to live in fear of someone hijacking your child’s “mind” and thinking for, and telling her what to do, you need to proactively help her develop a questioning mind, to evaluate what she sees and hears for inherent value – and common sense.

(NB: Apart from cults, and terrorist groups, religion is another place where this problem occurs a lot.)

Once she masters this skill, it will become a shield with which to block any attempts to manipulate her. That mastery will be evident in the way she interacts with you, and others in her personal and work life.

Just as it will give you peace of mind to know she’s competent in that regard, those hunting for weak minded persons to prey on will learn to avoid her as well.

In fact, there’s a good chance that others who desire mental emancipation will learn from her, how to apply critical thinking to succeed better in their daily lives. And that would help to make the world a better place, one person at a time.

I’ve told ALL of my kids this story more than once, to make them appreciate the wisdom inherent in avoiding fights of any kind. Children need to be taught this as early as possible, so they know how to handle potential pressure from their peers to act macho. Apart from keeping them out of trouble, this attitude can help them avoid serious injury or possibly save their lives.

When Ignorance May Not Be Bliss

Martial arts students are taught that the person who can walk away from a fight actually displays superior strength, than one who is quick to engage in one. I believe it’s true.

Unfortunately, when I was 17, I did not know this truth. And I paid a painful price for my ignorance. Hopefully, others who read my story will learn from it.

It happened in early 1987. I was a first year A(i.e Advanced)-level science student in Federal Government College, Kaduna. Physics, Chemistry and Biology were the subjects I was studying.

I was on my way out of the dorm when I noticed a junior student carelessly toss a piece of paper on the clean floor. I called out to him and said “Hey, pick that up right now!”. The boy turned around, looked me over and said in an arrogant tone “Or what?” I replied “Or I’ll ensure you get punished for acting dirty and being  rude.”

On hearing this, the boy simply laughed and began walking away. Angrily, I reached out and grabbed him on the shoulder from behind. At that moment I felt a hard and heavy finger tap me on the shoulder. I turned round to find myself looking up at the huge figure of Osahon (real name), who I’ve nicknamed “Mike Tyson” for his article.

“Do you know that’s my little brother?” he snarled.

(His uniform showed he was a form five student, and therefore technically junior to me. But since I was still in my first year as an A-level student, most students didn’t know me.)

I replied “So what? I intend to see that he’s punished for his bad behavious.”

Osahon’s counternance instantly changed and he said: “I just told you he’s my brother, and you’re still talking like that about him? You must be new around here, and I think I need to teach you a lesson.”

I Get The Beating of My Life

Suddenly he raised huge fists, went into a deep crouch then lunged towards me – all in one smooth and swift motion. I was caught totally off guard. But to be honest, even if I’d been prepared, I doubt that I could have fared better.

I remember seeing multicolored stars slowly rising up before my eyes after he hit me with a left hook. Even as the pain went through my head, I could not help thinking “So the stars shown in Tom and Jerry cartoons are not exaggerations!”. I kid you not

Before I could recover, “Tyson” followed up with a right. It was clear he had been trained to box. Had the vice-principal (who I later learnt was an ex-pro boxer) not come around by chance, and intervened, I’m convinced I would have been knocked unconscious.

Awonuga rushed at Osahon screaming “Hey, do you want to kill him? Can’t you see he’s no match for you, Osahon? Are you mad?”

Mr. Awonuga had Osahon taken away for punishment, and asked me to report to the school clinic. I felt pains all over my face. What I did not know was that I looked far worse than I felt. After leaving the clinic, I obtained permission (since it was a Friday), to go and recuperate at my guardian’s place.

A Lesson Taught By a Wise Guardian

I’ll never forget the way Mr. Adeniran – my guardian – reacted when he saw my face. “What happened to you?” he exclaimed. I sat down, made a show of shaking my head in self-pity, and told him the whole story.

When I finished, he patted me on the back and said “Well, thank God the V.P came in when he did. That boy must get properly punished for what he did. Don’t worry. I’m going to see the V.P about this when I take you back. Let me get the cook to make you some food”

After having my meal, I went to take my bath and for the first time got a good look in the mirror. I almost did not recognize myself! If you’ve ever seen a badly beaten boxer in a boxing ring before, with puffed up eyelids, lips etc, then you can imagine just what I looked like that day.

Looking at my bloated face, I suddenly understood why many of the students kept staring at me as I walked out of the compound that evening. I must have looked terrible. “Good. Osahon is going to get it. By the time Mr. Adeniran takes it up with the school authorities!” I thought to myself.

But I was in for another shock. On Sunday evening, my guardian dropped me off at school. Instead of coming down from his car (I’d assumed he intended to go in with me), he said “So, try and avoid getting into fights next time okay? If the other person refuses to listen simply report to the principal.” With a smile, he waved to me, and drove off: a lesson well delivered.

You Can Win Without Fighting!

 Like Sun Tzu says, you have to wait for the right opportunity. I went on to learn that lesson backwards, some months after I’d been beaten black and blue by Osahon.

By the time I completed my first year in that school, Osahon and his “gang” were among many students in the school who had come to regard me with respect and admiration. The main reason for this was that I had proven to be an asset to the school as a handballer.

I had played state level handball since I was twelve for Kwara state, winning a state wide age group competition with my school team in 1982, and getting called up to Kwara state camp for the 1985 National Sports Festival at  fifteen.

The first day I trained with the school team in Kaduna, my abilities on the court got me an instant first team spot on the school’s senior team.

But what really cemented my reputation was the work I did to build a junior team comprising eight handball novices over a few months. The senior team members kept mocking them, and saying they could never play well enough to win a match. I told the boys not to listen and encouraged them to train harder.

We worked hard even on weekends. Then when the jeering from my senior team colleagues became too much, I challenged them to a match with my team of juniors. They laughed themselves hoarse.

The junior boys looked at me in horror. I assured them they could do it. Some students heard about it, and told others. On the agreed day, the junior team outplayed the seniors (mainly due to the latter’s over confidence) and won by a single point.

That day, I felt the opposite of what I felt when I got beat up by Osahon. And it also occurred to me that if I’d been patient, I could have let Osahon’s brother go, and waited to use the above approach to gain recognition and leadership. Correcting wayward behaviour in any student would then have been much easier. And there would never have been a fight!

Below: Screenshot of an article excerpt that resonates perfectly with the above message.

The source article – by Steve Silverman – is aptly titled ““6 Badass Ways to Walk Away from a Fight”

Dr. Benjamin Carson is a world renowned brain surgeon once described by ABC News’ Barbara Walters as one who “works miracles on children others have written off as hopeless”. In his bestselling book titled “Gifted Hands” he made the following statement about his single parent mother, who cared for him and his brother through years of grinding poverty:

“…my mother, Sonya Carson, was the earliest, strongest and most impacting force in my life. It would be impossible to tell about my accomplishments without starting with my mother’s influence. For me to tell my story means beginning with hers.” – Ben Carson in “Gifted Hands

”

Mothers Have Always Had A Powerful Influence In Their Kids’ Lives (Real Life Examples)

Like any true student of success, anytime I see a successful person I admire, I strive to find out how he came to be who he is e.g. what experiences shaped him? So I purchase books written by – or about the person(s). And I also use the Internet to learn more.

I try to apply useful findings I make, to my own life, so I can become better. This is a habit I’m also trying to instill in my kids.

Over the years, an interesting trend has revealed itself to me about many of the successful people I’ve studied.

Many of them revealed that at least one parent (often the mothers) greatly influenced them to achieve the successes they did.

Some examples:

If you’ve watched the exciting Broadway show that dramatizes the life of Fela Anikulapo Kuti (the late Afrobeat music legend), then you must know that his mother was a central figure in his life. She was a major force to reckon with in Nigerian society herself, being wealthy, and an accomplished activist in her own right. That Fela followed in her footsteps to excel financially and also dedicate his life to fighting for the rights of the oppressed masses, is indicative of the impact of her influence on him.

In Nobel Laureate Wole Soyinka’s memoir, he made elaborate reference to the strong influence his mother (and also his aunt who happened to be Fela’s mother), played in inadvertently introducing him to activism. In a society traditionally dominated by men, those two strong women successfully challenged the status quo at the time by leading women in Egbaland to revolt against unfair taxes being levied against them.

The young Wole witnessed the entire series of events and apparently picked up more than a few lessons, as is reflected in his life of activism, mixed with his writing, that have since made him an iconic figure.

Barack Obama provides another case study. In the large book titled “The American Journey of Barack Obama” published by LIFE, we are told of the steadying influence his single parent mother – and her supportive parents – had on him. Their efforts helped him develop his innate potential at an early age, and he went on to excel right into adulthood.

In a different article, I pointed out that Thomas Edision, like Ben Carson, gave credit to his mother for helping him achieve self-actualisation. When a teacher declared that he lacked the mental capacity to learn, his mother angrily withdrew him from school, and proceeded to teach him at home by herself.

Edison would later say she so believed in him that he felt he “had someone to live for”, and who he could not afford to disappoint.

In Ben Carson’s book, he quoted Abe Lincoln as having said “All that I am or ever hope to be, I owe to my mother.”

And there’s also the late rap icon and legend, Tupac Shakur, who left us that great song he titled “Dear Mama”, in which he recounts the many heroic efforts his mother made to care for her family despite facing great hardships.

Parents Can Help Their Kids Achieve Self-Discovery

I want you to think about the above for a moment. These exceptionally great achievers shared a common experience of having had at least one parent who stayed around long enough to give them the psychological nourishment so essential to achieving self-discovery.

And it was most times their mothers who acted in that manner.

Now, I happen to be a father, and I found this amazing trend very instructive when I first noticed it few years ago. It made me resolve to pay special attention to the developmental needs of each of my kids. And today I remain commited to doing that.

As a matter of fact, my interest in offering self-development coaching for kids stems from the aforementioned concern I have. It’s also why I publish weekly articles on parenting (like the one you’re currently reading) on this blog.

Tony Buzan (in his book on “Speed Reading”) described some common reading problems which he said in 90% of cases were due to wrong methods people were taught to read, rather than the illnesses they were attributed to.

Here’s a true story about 2 famous sports personalties that demonstrates the important need for parents to actively intervene on behalf of their kids:

When teachers suggested that their hyperactive disposition was due to a learning disorder, the parents of both Daley Thompson (World/Olympic No.1 Decathlete for 10 years – shattering all previous world records) and Mary Lou Retton(Los Angeles Olympics Gold Medallist) refused to accept that that was why their children were having difficulties learning to read/write in school.

The teachers had complained of the kids’ inattentiveness and hyperactivity, and recommended use of tranquilising drugs to get them more subdued like other children. Instead the parents asked the schools to find ways to help the kids put their extra energy to productive use. This led to each child being introduced to sports. The rest is now history as they say!

When Parents Are Absent, Kids Suffer!

It’s important to realise that you can live physically in the same house with your kids, and still be absent as their parents.

Fathers tend to be more prone to making this mistake.

And that’s probably why mothers end up having to do all the hard work of providing emotional and psychological support for the kids. Then in cases when the parents separate, mothers find the load of responsibility gets even heavier.

Get More Involved As Parents – Fathers Especially!

Considering all that has been said above, it becomes obvious why mothers are described as the home builders.

Therefore, when a mother is absent from the home (maybe she’s a busy corporate executive) and/or fails to play her role correctly, a real danger exists that the kids may suffer for it – psychologically and emotionally.

This is why I believe fathers must, as a matter of necessity, change their attitudes towards parenting their kids. We need to show more active interest in knowing what’s going on with them daily.

If your wife keeps a busy or demanding corporate job like yours, both of you need to sit down and decide how you’re going to make up the valuable lost time to your kids.

Do not leave them at the mercy of teachers who already feel overburdened with the responsibility of attending to many children. Neither should you expose them to society without providing coaching to help them develop necessary interpersonal competence.

Bear in mind the fact that YOU may just be their only hope of learning what to do to permanently resolve problems they may be having!

Your child can be healthy and highly intelligent (just like Ben Carson’s mother always told him and his brother), and still struggle in school and/or society. It would be unwise to depend on teachers to fully address that problem your child has. At best, you could visit the school, and request certain actions be taken, to aid your child’s progress.

That was what the parents of Daley Thompson and Mary Lou Retton did. They did not just sit back and let the teachers dictate what would happen to their kids.

They got involved!

Sadly, some parents think their most important role is to pay school fees, and leave the teachers to do the rest. In addition, some believe that as long as they provide food, clothes and other material needs, their kids will develop normally.

Unfortunately, the psychological and emotional development of a child cannot be significantly enhanced by meeting just material needs.

Without proper attention to these crucial aspects of a child’s development, a lot can go wrong.

Final Words

Parents who neglect to do these things often love their kids but feel they cannot spare the time to spend with them.

So, when their kids start getting battered with negative comments about their shortcomings in and/or out of school, they may be unable to tell such busy parents what they are going through.

If you’re such a parent, something in your list of priorities will have to shift, so that you can fit your kids into your schedule, and possibly take turns to provide them the nurturing they need.

Fail to do it while the chance still exists, and your selfishness could come back to haunt you when your kids enter adulthood and begin to struggle!

Comments?

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Enroll Your Child For My Life Skills Coaching Program (Download Flyer Below)

As parents we often show our love for our kids by giving them things. Pretty outfits, fancy toys, pocket money etc. Sadly, many parents fail to provide their kids with the greatest gift of all. In this article, I reveal what that is, and why it matters more than any other gifts you could possibly get them.

The Gift That’ll Make Your Child Capable of Getting All Other Gifts By Herself

I like to call it the ultimate gift. But if truth be told I did not always know it. It took facing the harsh realities of my entrepreneurial struggles post paid employment, to make me realise my ignorance.

When I discovered that I was not happy with my salaried job despite the fat remuneration, I knew my career choice had been faulty. Back when I sought university admission, the priority had been to get in and study something then worry about getting a job with the degree later.

What no one told me was that it was possible to feel unfulfilled, dissatisfied and even unhappy while in a comfortable job that paid a big salary.

That was the experience I had. And it was one that I found most unpleasant. Ever since I quit that job and became self employed, I’ve felt fulfilled with every passing day.

It’s amazing how human nature works. When you find your true purpose in life, even a lack of money will not make you give it up. But the best part is that when you diligently and intelligently persist in pursuit of your life purpose, it eventually attracts financial remuneration adequate to your needs!

And that’s why the greatest gift you can give a child, or indeed any person in life, is to help her discover what her true purpose in life is.

Nobody Deserves To Be Unfulfilled In Life

Social pressures continue to drive many parents to push their kids in the direction of careers that are considered popular or financially rewarding.

Little or no attention is paid to identifying their kids’ natural interests, aptitudes and talents, so they can choose fitting vocations that will give them fulfillment throughout their lives.

That’s why many people grow up to pursue careers that they are not really passionate about. As a result, over time they become restless at work. They find their natural interests are far from the experiences they are exposed to on their jobs. Those able to muster the needed courage eventually take action to risk pursuing the badly needed career changes.

That’s when a corporate executive quits to launch a fashion design label. Or a chartered account makes a successful switch to a career in medicine!

Others who cannot bear to take the risk of failing at that stage in their lives typically resign themselves to a life of lamentation, in which they wonder what could have been.

1. What You Can Do For Your Kids

I believe no one deserves to suffer in the above described manner. Least of us our kids – especially when we are in a position to do something about it.

That’s why I propose in this article that parents make it a priority to help their kids progressively investigate and identify their true passions in life.

I’ve already suggested ways you can go about achieving the above goal earlier in this piece. What I’ve proposed is based on my personal experiences in successfully coaching and supporting many young people to achieve self discovery, for over 15 years today.

It’s also based on the progress I’m currently making in coaching my own kids towards discovering and nurturing their true passions.

However, I realise some parents will need help doing the above. That’s why I recommend enrolling your child for my coaching program remotely or in person.

Get in touch via tayo at tksola dot com or call 234 803 302 1263.

Details of my Coaching for Self-Discovery Program are provided in the flyer at the end of this post.

2. Coaching Support For Adults Trying To Find Their Life Purpose

It goes without saying that there are many adults who are battling with the above mentioned conflict between their current careers and their true passions and interests.

If you’re facing such a challenge, my Performance Improvement Coaching Support Service offers you a viable way forward.

Parents can also book sessions for their kids, especially those aged 10 years and older.

Comments?

What do you think of the above post? Share your thoughts in the comments – or send me an email via tayo at tksola dot com.

Share this story!

Do you know anyone who might benefit from reading this post? Why not share it using the social media buttons provided on this page? Thanks in advance

Enroll Your Child For My Life Skills Coaching Program (Download Flyer Below)

If you don’t like having to repeat yourself again, and again, maybe you should not plan to have kids anytime soon! Your child’s development of a healthy level of self esteem, and ultimately her ability to succeed, depends greatly on your understanding of the points I make in this article.

Adults Often Forget They Once Had To Learn To Walk Too

As children, and later as young adults, many mature persons today passed through various stages of growth and development. I mean that in the physical, intellectual and even spiritual sense.

It’s however interesting that once we’ve achieved reasonable competence or mastery, we often completely forget there was a time when we also did not know, and could not do stuff we are now so familiar with.

This is frequently reflected in the impatience we display in relating with others (young, and sometimes not so young) who have yet to reach our level of proficiency.

When your child makes another mistake while washing the dishes or struggles with elementary math homework you expect him to grasp easily, how do you react?

Especially if it’s happened a number of times before?

How long does it take you to get tired of “helping” her overcome that challenge?

Is there a point at which you’d write her off as being “untrainable”?

I hope not

Parenting Is Easier Said Than Done: Repetition Is The Key

It’s funny, but some parents sometimes out of frustration speak to, and about their child as if they’ve given up on them. But they later recover themselves.

I’ve been guilty of the above crime against my first child in a moment of passion. And I’ve seen others do it too. So I know it can happen.

What’s crucial is to ensure it does not repeat itself.

The truth is that giving parenting advice or talking about raising kids can be so easy to do. Most adults intuitively know what to do in many situations.

What I’ve however learnt (and I say this from painful personal experience) is that DOING it over the long term can be a test of one’s endurance.

With children especially, constant REPETITION – like my mother who taught kids for 30 years before retiring would say – is the foundation on which any nurturing you want to give your child must be based.

If you think there’s a predictable number of times you can tell a child something and expect her to “get it”, you’re setting yourself up to be disappointed

This is where the love you have for your child must come to play. You’ll need it to inspire yourself to keep telling and helping her, as she trips, stumbles and fumbles her way to achieve required mastery or competence.

What You Can Do

Here’s an idea: Think back to the times in your life when you had to learn whatever your child is struggling with now.

Except you were born perfect, it’s likely you recorded your own fair share of mistakes before you achieved proficiency.

Tell your child about your own failures back then. Recall for her benefit the pain, frustration and embarassment you felt each time you got it wrong.

Then share with her what you did to gradually improve, until you got it right.

You will do this to help your child appreciate that it’s normal and human to have to initially struggle to learn before becoming capable and competent in any area of endeavour.

Once she achieves that understanding, and also sees that you show your belief in the above truth by continuing to provide your loving support, she’ll be more willing to see the process through.

Bad Things Can Happen If You Don’t Take The Above Preventive Action

If you fail to do the above, your child will be forced to conclude she struggles because others have something she lacks, and which she has no hope of developing.

And that mental attitude can make her decide to cut corners – in homework or exams for instance – to get the needed results, believing she’ll never succeed by her own efforts.

The danger here is that corner cutting is often easier than doing the real thing. So it gradually makes those who do it lazy.

Whenever they’re challenged to go the proper way, they’re likely to think as follows:

“Why should I do all that hard work, when I can get the needed results easily without breaking a sweat?”

Once a child develops such a dangerous love of ease, you as the parent could be in big trouble.

And that’s because your child’s actions would be driven by a need to get something for nothing, which sooner than later could get her into all sorts of trouble academically, socially etc.

That’s why you need to pay her close attention now, to help her develop the right attitude to learning, to difficulty, to failure, and to life in general.

Your entire family’s future well being and happiness could depend on this.

I asked the students of the University of Lagos who attended my VC Approved lecture (titled “Ten Ways You Can Use Self-Development to Create the Future You Want”) the following rhetorical question:

“Is your rich uncle really “stingy”, or is he being “frugal?”

To older persons, I would re-phrase the question as follows:

"Is your rich friend, colleague or relative really “stingy”, or is he being “frugal?”

Kids Sometimes Choose Favorites for the Wrong Reasons E.g. Money

As children in Nigeria, many of us grew up frequently judging older persons around us based on their relative willingness to part with money.

There were those who were particularly generous, always giving large denominations for us to buy "sweets" etc. Those ones we loved to welcome whenever they visited our homes!

But, there were those who were less generous for (in our own assessment) no good reason. We were therefore never really excited when they visited, and would often have to be chased out of our rooms by our parents to welcome them!

It is not uncommon to hear children or young people describe some of their parents or relatives (uncles etc), as "stingy" because of the latter’s seeming reluctance to part with money.

What a lot of youths (perhaps because of their age) do not realise is that these (supposedly) "stingy" persons might truly not have enough money on them at the time the demand is made.

Help Your Kids Understand That Money Needs To Be Earned

Many young people tend to think their parents should hand over money to them as soon as they (the children) demand for it. Of course even if the parents were willing, it isn’t often that the parent’s will have it! And even when they do have it, more pressing priorities might make it necessary to give less than the child demands.

We need to teach our children, as early in life as possible, that money does not just fall into our hands from the sky. We need to help them learn that they must create "value" for money to come into their possession. We must also take pains to explain to them why we might not be able to give them money, sometimes, when they ask for it.

Now, for those parents and guardians who can afford to give children money whenever they ask for it, this warning is even more relevant, because the dangers are greater.

Keep giving them what they ask for, whenever they ask for it and you stand the risk of making them happy in the short term only to be unhappy in the longer term (They won’t forgive YOU for that!).

This is because, they would not have learnt the discipline of handling money, and especially how to earn it – and I don’t mean through paid employment.

I know the subject of money and how to spend it is one that interests and affects most people. I also know it is one that not many people really understand.

I do not however claim to be an expert on the subject, but I have read what others have said about it and learnt some hard lessons of my own too! That is why I offer the ideas in this write-up with so much passion!

Money Needs To Be Treated With Respect

In a past issue of his TIPs newsletter that I read many years ago, Philip Humbert (www.philiphumbert.com) described successful people as being very thoughtful about issues concerning money and how it is spent.

He said they treat money with respect, and that’s why they get more of it.

In fact, Philip described money as a very shy guest in people’s homes that will quickly make an exit if not well treated.

If there is nothing else you take away from reading this article, please take this piece of advice: Don’t spend without thinking!

The little book titled "The millionaire next door" describes the real millionaires in America (based on studies conducted by the authors) as not those people who appear on TV in flashy clothes, spending heavily etc.

I’ve found a lot of the book’s quite relevant to my non-American socioeconomic environment – with just a few exceptions. That’s why I suggest you get a copy of the book, if you do not already own one – and read it from cover to cover at least twice.

The book says the real millionaires in America are often not dressed flashily and will rarely be found flaunting their wealth via heavy unbudgeted spending etc.

In fact, the book specifically mentioned that the millionaires identified and studied confirmed that they kept very detailed records of how much they spent daily and regularly reviewed them.

In addition, the millionaires were found to be typically "bargain hunters" who would often go round comparing prices before deciding on what to buy and where to buy from.

One more thing: many of the male millionaires were reported to have acknowledged their wives as being very instrumental to their effective money management. The book described the wives of many of the millionaires studied as being very frugal.

Final Words:

Now, going by all that has been said above, isn’t it funny that those who do not even begin to approach being called millionaires in society are the ones who do the exact opposite of what the millionaires mentioned above do daily?

Look around you (and maybe at yourself?) and see if you find "someone" guilty of going shopping and buying stuff from posh places "just to look good" or "belong" for instance.

Your child’s attitude to money will be a reflection of how she sees you treat that powerful paper based medium of exchange. Coach her to see that money needs to be carefully handled, as pointed out above.

She’ll leave home better equipped to keep more of what she earns in her pockets – and in savings/investment accounts.

And she would be bettor off in the long run!

NB: This article is based on excerpts from Tayo Solagbade’s Self-Development Bible on sale as a 113 page print manual at www.lulu.com/sdaproducts. Subscribe to the mailing list – using the form below – to get the PDF version as a free download in your email box.

“Reading can be a powerful catalyst for thinking; it has the potential for stimulating wisdom.” – Michael Angier(www.successnet.org)

In Robert Kiyosaki’s book titled “If You Want To Be Rich and Happy, Dont Go To School?”, he wrote about how the traditional educational system was teaching American children to be mindless parrots”.

He also quoted R. Buckminster Fuller on how each of us and our children can protect our minds from being numbed by such experiences.

Fuller stated that despite the fact that he was bothered by -and therefore questioned – many of the things he learnt in school, he found it necessary to give his teachers their answers in order to ensure he went through school successfully.

He however made sure he never stopped thinking along the lines of what he felt to be true.

By so doing, Buckminster Fuller was able to protect his own genius from the damaging impact of the traditional educational system.

The rest of us can learn from this approach, and teach our kids to use it as well.

The World Needs Thinkers: Help Your Child Become One

“Reading without thinking gives a disorderly mind, and thinking without reading makes one unbalanced” – Confucius

There appear to be fewer real thinkers in this part of the world today.

One great thinker we had who passed on years ago, was Fela Anikulapo-Kuti, the legendary Afro Beat Musician whose music and life story is the subject of a successful broadway musical that now inspires millions across the world.

Even today, the lyrics of Fela’s songs show us how far ahead he had seen into the future of this country and continent.

He had reflected deeply over the problems of the black race in Africa, and tried to open their eyes to the folly of the ways they chose (or were advised to follow).

A few listened, but the majority missed it.

Why?

Because they found it difficult to comprehend what he was saying and understand his concerns.

So they simply stopped at enjoying his good music!

“The mind must be exercised if it is to grow and strengthen. The more you use your mind, the more it will improve your ability to think” – Jay Anderson

This inability (or unwillingness?) to think is not unusual.

A long ago, Henry Ford said:

“Thinking is the most exacting job there is, which is why so few people engage in it.”

To Encourage Them To Think, We Must Stop Our Kids From Cramming

Not all kids will be smart enough to protect themselves the way R. Buckminster Fuller did, as earlier described above.

And that’s why we need to discourage ROTE Learning (i.e. cramming) by our kids in schools.

It is important for them to “understand” what they learn so they can be equipped to put it to productive use in the real world.

For instance, you learn how to drive so that you can eventually drive your car around unaided.

As Robert Kiyosaki explained in one of his books, if we employed the traditional school approach, you would learn all the theory of driving by memorizing the steps involved.

But, you would actually spend little (if any) time practicing how to drive the car using your new knowledge!

When that happens, you end up unable to drive a car even though you’ve been to driving school!

Thankfully that is hardly ever the case, because it is easy to assess the value of the training given you in a driving school.

When you complete your driving lessons (and IF you have been a diligent student), you should be able to drive a car by the time you are leaving.

If you can’t, then you would have a right to challenge your driving teacher.

I have personally met many graduates of computer science from Nigerian universities, who after graduation go on to enroll for courses in private computer schools to gain basic computer appreciation skills!!

This is often because they discover that in the real world, the things they’ve been taught were irrelevant to current industry practice.

Cramming Makes Learning Unpleasant & Damages A Child’s Natural Learning Ability

The above is a major reason our traditional educational system does not really make kids enjoy reading and thinking.

They still have to memorize notes given by the teacher, and do a “verbatim return to sender” (like R. Buckminster Fuller wisely did) to get full marks in class!

Under such situations, whether the student can explain what he has written down, and apply it in real life to a productive end is never an issue as far as the teacher is concerned

Let’s consider for instance, the inter-schools debate competitions sometimes aired on our local TV stations.

I am constantly amazed by the ability of the students to make their arguments by reeling off one point after another, employing sophisticated vocabulary (that even university undergraduates would struggle with!) in the process.

The manner in which they deliver their speeches however often betrays the fact that they are simply reciting what they memorized!

Typically, the teacher writes the paper for the student to “upload to memory” for later “download” at the event. They therefore often do not understand the things they say.

Which explains why a student can get totally confused if it happens that she misses a line during her “recitation” at (what is meant to be a) debate!

Final Words

I have seen the above happen on more than one occasion.

My question is what responsible school teacher or administrator would allow such damage to be done to students’ thinking abilities in order to win a competition?

Please understand my argument here. I have not said all the schools and students have this problem. There are exceptions, as is the case with everything in life.

It’s just that the larger majority are affected by the problem I have described above.

This is why YOU as a parent must – for the sake of your kid – get involved in challenging her school, and teachers, to make a change for the better.

But don’t stop there.

“A chapter a day, keeps failure at bay” – Anon

More important is the role you can play in creating an environment at home that stimulates your child’s desire to read and think.

Get her books and movies that task the viewer to think e.g detective series or thrillers.

Engage her in discussion about the different titles and episodes.

Aim to get her used to thinking deep about issues instead of accepting things on surface value.

You’ll gradually discover she’s taking a natural interest in doing more qualitative thinking and reading, even beyond what you’ve taught her.

And it will give her a noticeable edge in interpersonal relations, compared to her peers.

NB: This article is based on excerpts from Tayo Solagbade’s Self-Development Bible available for purchase as a print manual on Lulu.com.

This article explains why today’s parents need to avoid the mistake of waiting for their kids to grow up before talking to them about ways of making money or earning income OUTSIDE paid employment.

The world as we know it today is very different from what it was when many of today’s parents were kids, over 2 decades ago.

Technology aided advancements have radically – and rapidly – transformed the way we live and work.

And that includes how we play our roles as adults in general, and parents in particular.

Decades Ago, Children Had Fewer Independent Sources Of Information For Making Career Choices

For example, about 30 years ago, I was a year away from becoming a teenager.

As a child from a middle class home, my awareness of opportunities the world of my country held for me was mainly limited to what I learnt from my parents, adult relatives, teachers and books.

Odd as it may be to admit today, I only read about computers in books and magazines.

It would be over 10 years later, in 1993, before I set eyes on a real desktop PC for the first time.

This was after I graduated from the university, and completed a year of compulsory national service.

I’d followed my instincts to enroll for an introductory course on MS-DOS, DBASE, Word Perfect and Lotus 1-2-3.

It lasted only for 4 weeks and touched mainly on the basics of each topic.

Yet less than a year later, I was rapidly implementing high profile PC based report generation solutions (in my spare time) while working as a shift brewer in a large corporate multinational manufacturer.

Another three years on, I became one of the earliest adopters of Internet technology in the company.

Back then in 1998, the company had not even given thought to providing Internet access anywhere on the premises.

Yet, within a week of learning that the first Cyber Cafe in my Benin city base was open, I’d become a customer, and soon after enrolled for private HTML webdesign coaching classes under the tutelage of a teenage cafe attendant.

Eight weeks after, while acting as Training & Technical Development Manager, I used my newly acquired HTML coding skills to create an information and news delivery network of web pages.

It served departmental engineering teams with best practice maintenance and training tips, and was hosted on the company’s intranet (with assistance from the local IT guys with whom I’d become friendly).

How Limited Information & Exposure To Opportunities Denied Me An Early Start In My Preferred Career

In reflecting on my performance in the above mentioned company, I realised that developing those valuable PC solutions came naturally to me.

As a result, even though I had no formal IT qualifications, I effortlessly excelled at it to the delight of my employers – and the appreciation of the company’s IT personnel.

The above fact remains evident in the work I do for clients, as it is on this blog, my websites, and in the unique solutions I provide e.g custom spreadsheet automation and web marketing systems development.

That’s why I’ve said in a previous write-up (based on the wisdom of hindsight) that if I had gained steady access or exposure to PCs earlier in life, I would most likely have never taken up paid employment – where I spent 7 years before finally quitting to take up my true calling

Give Your Children Adequate Information & Exposure To Guide Their Career Choices

Which brings me to my core message for this write-up.

Due to the negative outcome of the experience I had, I’ve resolved to do everything in my power to help my children avoid a similar fate.

That’s why I constantly expose them to everything I believe can guide them to make smarter decisions about what they want to do for a living – earlier on in their lives.

For instance, I regularly share with them about how I earn income providing a variety of web based solutions to people within and outside the country.

In doing this I highlight the fact that people of almost all ages earn income in the same manner all over the world.

Just today I told them about a trend recently reported by Lulu.com, in which parents are increasingly collaborating with their kids to jointly self publish storytelling fiction books.

Through the above process, kids get an early and fun based introduction to the book writing and publishing business.

And as the case studies of families featured in the report revealed, there’s a good chance the kids may go on to gain useful public speaking and public relations exposure as they record success with sales of their published works over time.

Incidentally, for about 5 months now, I’ve been challenging my 3 sons (who are 9, 11 and 13 years old respectively) to finish off the short stories they’ve been taking turns to type on the laptop.

To secure their interest, I’d told them we would get them published like my own books.

As you can imagine, the Lulu.com report has now provided a valuable boost to the relevance of my message to the kids!

My purpose is to make them see that today’s technology driven world provides ready opportunities for them to make an early start in life.

The days when kids had to wait to finish school, then get a job to start earning income are long gone.

Your child can still follow that formula if it appeals to you, or her.

However, it’s important to let her know she can do both i.e attend school, and simultaneously learn to earn income – using her creative skills for instance, by writing.

Remember that there’s a good chance that other parents will be doing exactly that for their own kids today.

Therefore, as a responsible parent, you owe your child an obligation to provide the access and exposure needed to help her make up her mind intelligently.

Then you must support her to act on/implement her decision.
By so doing, you’ll equip her to compete effectively with her contemporaries, from early on in life.