“Edison was a poor student. When a schoolmaster called Edison "addled," his furious mother took him out of the school and proceeded to teach him at home. Edison said many years later, "My mother was the making of me. She was so true, so sure of me, and I felt I had some one to live for, some one I must not disappoint." – Excerpt from “The Life of Thomas Edison” (Online Biography)

Money Cannot Make Up For Absence of Parental Nurturing & Guidance

In today’s world, there’s a problem that’s increasing at an alarming rate.

The pressures of earning enough to care financially for the family are growing. This is forcing more parents to relegate their traditional coaching and mentoring roles to the background, in order to provide financially for the family.

As a result, they now depend on care givers and school teachers to provide needed “instruction” to their kids, while they are away at work. These kinds of parents frequently assume they can make up for their absence using money and things money can buy.

It goes without saying that money is needed to care for one’s kids. So, the parents are not wrong for going all out to get it.

What I however try to point out in this piece is the need – and an urgent one at that – for such parents to strike a balance in doing so. Without that, there’s a real chance that their kids will suffer negative consequences of parenting neglect that could limit them for life.

Help Your Child Develop These 3 Attributes & Boost Your Chances of Achieving Parental Success

1. Real World Relevant Know-How

Just today, I had a long discussion with my sister-in-law about parenting and the need to get more involved in coaching kids for success in life.

The emphasis on school learning to the neglect of life skills acquisition is making too many children enter adulthood poorly prepared to play their new adult roles.

What’s worse is that some misguided parents assume that they can throw money at the problem of ineptitude their child displays. So they literally open doors for her to get things she should normally compete for along with her peers e.g. job postings.

It’s always – for me at least – sad to see a young person who knows only “academics” and little or nothing about other socially relevant skills needed by adults for survival e.g. poor ability to assert herself, naivety or being too trusting etc.

These weaknesses can be exploited by more socially savvy counterparts to gain an unfair advantage over her in the real world.

In this regard, I’m saying that it’s a nice thing for your child to view the world through rose coloured glasses. However, it is wiser for her to recognize that not everyone in the world will view the world the way she does!

And that’s why she’ll need to develop the social skills to relate successfully with those who differ in their world views.

How do you help your child develop such know-how? I offer a few suggestions:

1. Discuss what YOU do and know with her.

2. Involve her in those activities you know enable you hold your own in the real world.

3. Think ahead and also reflect on what you had to learn and/or do better in order to function more competently as an adult in the real world OUTSIDE, and after school.

Once you’ve identified those specific things, make out time to coach your child to become competent in those areas.

By the way, do NOT succumb to the temptation of letting her grow up a little more before you start this. The earlier you begin the better for her – and for you.

I say this because kids – if you know them – don’t exactly assimilate what you tell or teach them immediately. There’s always a need for plenty of repetition. If you start early, you stand a better chance or instilling those qualities in her much earlier in life.

2. Positive Outlook & Mental Stamina

Your child will learn how to react to life from observing you, and those you associate with e.g. your friends, co-workers, business associates, relatives etc.

If she sees that you regularly complain about everything that’s not going the way you want, she’s likely to conclude that’s the right way to respond to life’s challenges for instance.

But here’s the problem with that kind of attitude: If that situation persists longer than she feels she can endure, there’s a good chance she might settle on an unhealthy approach to solving whatever problem she feels she has e.g. through joining bad company, or even stealing etc

Having a positive take on life implies you will always believe that no matter what misfortune befalls you, there will be a way to remedy it, if you look hard enough.

The above implies the need for mental stamina: That is, the ability to keep believing that what you want will happen, even as everything around you suggests otherwise. This – mental stamina – is an extremely important quality for any human being to have, as it can determine her ability to achieve any goal she sets in life.

When a problem or challenge occur in your life as a parent, try to bring it to the attention of your child. Explain to her what led to it, and how you’re trying to resolve it. As time goes on, let her know how you’re getting on with your efforts.

Encourage her to ask questions and even make suggestions towards solving the problem. Make it obvious you value her interest and input.

What will most likely happen over time is that she will believe that’s the right way to deal with adversity in life. Your example will therefore be a valuable source of inspiration to her whenever she faces challenges in life.

The likely result: most likely, she’ll go on to succeed in spite of any challenges she encounters, because you would have taught her to maintain a positive outlook/mental attitude even in adversity.

3. Visualisation

You will help your child find purpose in life, if you really wish to be a successful parent. Study her and identify what she’s passionate about.

Deveop strategies to help her develop that passion to a level where it can produce useful rewards – financially or otherwise – to her. Engage her in discussion about what she would like to do with that item, ability or activity she’s passionate about.

This process can lead you to successfully link her passion to a potentially useful outlet in the real world. We’ve read and heard of many parents who saw signs that their kids had natural abilities in certain areas, and who took action to help the child develop them, so that she eventually became a prodigy.

What is essential here is helping the child discover what she wants to do and/or where she wants to do it. With that “picture” clearly defined in her mind, she will become purpose driven – and every moment of her spare time will be readily devoted to pursuing that goal.

Final Words: None of the Listed Attributes Requires A Parent To Be Wealthy!

If you noticed, the attributes mentioned above can be developed by a poor person’s child just as well as a rich person’s child can acquire them. What is simply required is the INTEREST. And that can be aroused in any living being.

The foregoing implies that succeeding as a parent is not about how much money you have. Instead it’s about how much of an investment of your time, effort and knowledge you are prepared to make in your child, to prepare her for the real world.

If you’re wondering how I can be so sure the above will produce the results promised in the title of this post, I’ll tell you this:

For more than twenty (20) years I have employed the above strategies to SUCCESSFULLY coach young people ranging in age from about 15 to 25, to discover their purpose and go on to begin achieving it (it’s a continuous/never ending process).

We all have our gifts. Mine is being able to help others improve themselves to achieve their valued goals in life. To illustrate, here’s what one of those I’ve coached in the past wrote to me after we’d parted for two and a half years

====Start of email excerpt===

Date: Mon, 7 Jun 2004 05:08:15 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Emmanuel" To: “tayo” (Email addresses deleted for privacy)
Subject: update

Great Mentor,

You are really a great mentor. Your principles are real and they work. Since the beginning of this
year a lot of things have happened. Top among them is the writing of assessment tests for our
new line–Line 7. Out of 256 candidates, 75 were selected and out of the 75, 8 technicians were
selected to go abroad for training of which I was among. We’ve been to Germany, stayed for
3weeks and now we are back. Each step I’ve taken ever since you left has been with at least
one word from you. It is as if you knew before time the steps and so you left at least a word for each.

…text deleted for brevity and privacy…

====End of email excerpt===

I’ll end by saying that I did not write this post to preach at you.

Instead, my simple purpose is to share my tested and proven methods and insights with interested parents, so they can achieve similar successes to mine.

I employed the ideas described in this post to help other people’s kids succeed during the period I had contact with them. And I am ALREADY putting them to use with great enthusiasm for my own kids too – for obvious reasons!

Hopefully, you will choose to do the same for yours.

Comments?

What do you think of the above post? Share your thoughts in the comments – or send me an email via tayo at tksola dot com.

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Parents need to pay close attention to the study habits of their children, so as to quickly detect and correct any wayward tendencies. Many times getting teenagers to do the right thing can be difficult. Children in this age group can be particularly headstrong and opinionated.

Resorting to physical punishment to effect a change in their behaviour can however produce negative reactions in the children. A better way exists, to correct the child’s errant behaviour without turning him against you.

In this post, I share the true story about how I discovered my son’s bad handwriting habit, and eventually helped him remedy it, without employing painful physical punishment.

Discovering the Problem

Looking back now, it’s obvious to me that if I had been paying as much attention as I’d originally planned, I would have noticed it. But I got carried away with showing him and his siblings the exciting world outside school, in my bid to give them a balanced education.

Then one morning, as he was preparing for school, one of his notebooks fell open. I saw the careless scribble of mostly unrecognizable letters of the alphabet, and was horrified. The look on his face was however one of indifference. “What’s the matter?” he asked. “You’re actually asking me that, when your handwriting looks like that?” I replied, pointing at his open notebook. “We’ll talk about this when you get back.” I ended.

That night I went through the notes he had been taking in class and discovered the same problem of very poor handwriting in all of them.

It was so bad that I could not recognise most of the words he had written. He was doing many things wrong. For instance, he painted over most letters in the words he wrote, making a mess on almost every page with ink. He also wrote with total disregard for sentence case. Capital letters popped up in the middle of words in a particular sentence at random.

When I asked him to read what he had written, he barely managed to get through one sentence. In other words even he, the writer, had difficulty reading what he had written. I could not believe he had let his handwriting deteriorate that badly!

My First Attempt at Correcting the Problem…Fails!

As I thought about it, I realized there was a big problem. If he could not read what he had written, there was no way his teacher would be able to do so, talk less of scoring him accurately. In other words, he would be doomed to failure if he took an exam.

I needed no one to tell me what to do. It was obvious that I had to intervene. This was the role a parent was required to play, to correct any child’s deviation from the desired path.

And so I told my 13 year old teenage son that I wanted him to start paying attention to his handwriting while copying the teacher’s notes on the board. Telling him anecdotes about people who lost marks for writing illegibly, I tried to impress upon him the need to take more care in writing, so he would be able to read his notes conveniently after classes.

He nodded in understanding (or so I thought), and I congratulated myself for having been so effective in getting him to realize what he needed to do

What I forgot was that with children, especially teenagers, very often what you tell them goes in one ear and comes out the other, without making a lasting impression on them.

They have a very short attention span – especially for things they find boring e.g. parental “lectures” And that’s why – as my mother (a 30 year veteran Montessori trained teacher) always reminds me – you have to repeat everything to them, and check for compliance regularly, UNTIL they get used to doing it without supervision.

I’m getting better at doing the repeating and reminding thing now. But back when this handwriting incident occurred, I was still learning. So, a few days later when I checked my son’s notebooks, I found that nothing had changed. He was still writing terribly!

I Remember My Handball Coach’s Corrective Strategy

At this point I considered resorting to physical punishment to get him to sit up e.g. spanking. But then I remembered that I’d decided to reduce the use of physical punishment to instruct my kids i.e. to prevent them associating learning with pain.

Then I recalled a method used by our state handball coach – back in Kwara state – during training sessions. He would split us into two teams and get us to compete against ourselves. Any player who made an avoidable error would automatically cause his entire team to repeat the move being practiced. And this would continue until each team got it right without making a single error.

The above coaching strategy proved quite effective in getting even the most playful or unruly team members to sit up. No one wanted to get blamed (and temporarily hated) for making the others do more hard training than necessary. The result was that we became a well oiled team capable of executing most of our moves with little or no errors.

Adapting My Coach’s Strategy Produces Results!

To help my son, I realized I needed an adaptation of the coach’s strategy to get him to take writing properly more seriously. So, I called him for another chat, and told him to re-write all his notes from scratch, but this time taking pains to write legibly, and avoiding any errors.

He immediately got moody and groaned outwardly saying “But I can read what I’ve written”. I replied “If you can – which I doubt – I cannot, and neither, I’m sure, can your teacher. How do you expect to get good marks if your teacher cannot read your writing?” He left for his room grumbling about how we never let him rest etc.

As the week progressed, I would periodically ask to see his re-copied notes. Whenever I discovered even ONE painted letter, or wrong use of capitalization, I simply asked him to go back to the beginning and start writing it all over again. The first time I told him to do it, he thought it was a joke…until I hissed at him saying “Get going…I’m serious.”

By the end of that week he had become quite sober, and showed a lot of eagerness to do it right. But old habits die hard. Every now and then he still brought me notes with the outlawed errors in them, and I promptly rewarded him with “Go and write it all again!”

And we kept doing it over and over, and over. His siblings poked friendly fun at him, which he did not find funny. After a while, especially when he saw I would not relent he became sober, and more focussed. Gradually, over time, he changed.

Today, his handwriting is so much better, compared to what it used to be. But there’s still room to improve. It’s ironic to also note that he now brags about how well he can write, to his siblings! I look back and I realise that if I had failed to take timely corrective action the way I did, the boy may not have recovered from the problem. And his performance in virtually every subject would have suffered even worse outcomes in the future.

Final Words

Judging from the experience I’ve gained from coaching my four kids (ages 13 to 7) on different aspects of their class work, I believe the method described above can be quite useful in getting them to show seriousness.

Therefore, if you’re looking for ideas for getting your kid(s) to drop an unhealthy habit, I urge you to try using the strategy described in this post. It might just be the solution you need!

In this post I mention the case of a teacher who told her pupils to stop watching Tom and Jerry cartoons for the above mentioned reason. If you’re surprised that a teacher could make such a misleading assertion, know that you are not alone. And it is because such things can happen that I believe more parents need to show more interest in knowing who their kids’ teachers are, on a personal basis. Our kids spend over six hours exposed to "teachers" – on weekdays for months. That’s enough time to pick up all kinds of ideas from their teachers. We therefore need to be sure of the quality of thinking our child;s teacher indulges in, to avoid having our kids wrongly oriented As the original title I used for this article in 2008 states: "Don’t Let "Wrong" Teachers Make Your Child A Thinking Pigmy!"

(First published online: 29th January 2008)

Preamble

This is a subject I am especially passionate about. I have written about it previously, but some weeks ago I heard about a teacher in a school who said something that really upset me, to kids she was teaching that I decided to do this additional feature on it.

What do you hope to achieve by sending your kids to school? Do you aim to make a status statement each time your kids step out in their pretty school uniforms, board their air-conditioned bus to head to/return from your idea of a befitting school? Or is your intention to have them equipped with the knowledge, attitudes and skills needed to make a success of their own lives as adults?

I hope the latter is your preference. But going by what I sometimes see, there appears to be a pre-occupation on the part of certain parents with "creating impressions", and keeping up with the Joneses. Those who do this proudly announce they are sending their kids to the "best" schools in xyz area.

Unfortunately, high fees and pretty school buildings do not guarantee your child a quality education. And please note that by education I do not mean the ability to score all A’s in the final school certification exams. Being educated goes way beyond that. It includes being conversant with what it takes to do more than just survive in the real world.

"Let early education be a sort of amusement. You will then be able to find out the natural bent" – Plato (346 BC).

Kids Are Not Afraid To Show Surprise/Excitement When They Discover NEW Learning

Furthermore, being educated in my opinion involves having the understanding that there is nothing wrong in allowing yourself to "act excited" and "be surprised" when you discover new learning! And that is what makes kids so special in my opinion. You see they are so willing to believe what they are taught and they rarely act unexcited when they do.

A quick example:< My kids once discovered a butterfly pupa hanging in the corner of a wall in the compound, and all came screaming into the house to tell my wife and I (then they literally dragged us out to see it). Prior to that time, they had only been seeing caterpillars(butterfly larvae) which seemed to drop on to the ground from the next compound which was filled with tall grasses. And I had been using a set of colored pictures illustrated flip charts to show them the life cycle of butterflies and other insects. So they had seen pictures of the pupa but never seen a live specimen - until that day. And they did not hide their excitement.

On another occasion, after pestering us futilely to get them a pet cat, my kids teamed up to use wet sand to mould a cat (or more accurately, something they meant to look like a cat!). They then sent my wife and I reeling with laughter when they informed us that since the Bible said we were all made from earth/soil they intended to pray to God to turn their sand statue cat into a real-life version they could keep as a pet. We told them this was unlikely to work, but they insisted that it would.

We were particularly glad they did not succeed, because the resultant live cat would have been so grotesque, and its looks would probably have caused visiting friends/relatives to have nightmares!

But let’s not lose sight of the point being made – kids have so much capacity to believe and to display such belief and wonder without embarrassment. Any schooling they are exposed to must be checked to ensure it does not kill this quality in any child. The problem is some schooling systems teach kids to be the opposite of what I have described above.

Do you think kids who behave like those mentioned above will have difficulties describing the life cycle of a butterfly if they are ever asked, after having had such experiences? Not likely. Research has shown clearly that people tend to learn best/recall more successfully what they are taught when the learning they undergo is experiential(i.e. practical/experience based and therefore real-world relevant).

When Learning Is Fun, Learners Look Forward To It

But what is even MORE pertinent is to note how giving kids an exciting learning experience stimulates their thinking and makes them more interested in learning. In other words, kids who enjoy their learning will not be bored – neither will they need to be forced or coerced to study daily(You will not believe the way my kids keep coming to me with books and pictures on the things they learn about daily which I and my wife try to show them examples of in real life).

And that’s where I come to the matter of the teacher who (reportedly) told the kids she was teaching that they should not watch "Tom & Jerry" cartoons because the cartoons make kids act like they were "retarded"! Incroyable!!! (like the French would say). Wonders will just never end. That’s what you sometimes get when you send your kids to schools without checking for the quality of manpower such institutions have.

Do You Know Who Your Kids’ Teachers Are?

Which is why I ask these questions: WHO ARE YOUR KID’s TEACHERS??? Do you know them? I mean have you met them in person? Do you have an accurate assessment of what they can offer your kids?

Our society is failing its kids because the best of us are too busy trying to stay the best, and are willing to spare little or no time to pass on what we know to the next generation. We therefore end up leaving that very important teaching job to the "less than best" rest of society. The quote below captures this point quite well.

"In a completely rational society, the best of us would be teachers and the rest of us would have to settle for something less" – Lee Iacocca, Chairman & CEO, Chrysler Corporation

I know it does not sound nice, but it’s true! Some people settle for teaching jobs after looking without success for what are considered by the majority to be "better jobs"! At the risk of exaggerating, these kind of people tend to be "frustrated" and in certain cases could transfer their frustrations in many forms to the kids they have to teach.

These kinds of people generally tend not to be up and doing in improving themselves, and so may not to be in touch with latest developments/trends. That mental attitude could make them lack insight into the true nature of certain things e.g. Tom and Jerry cartoons! And yet we leave our kids with people who may have these issues for six to eight (8) or more hours daily!

I know for a fact that Tom and Jerry cartoons do wonders for the imagination of kids – and the many adults(like me) – who watch them. I can remember watching that cat and mouse cartoon series without getting bored from well before my tenth birthday, and have NEVER once been bored. And I certainly never suffered any negatives effects from watching them. So where did that teacher get her ideas about the effect of the cartoon series on kids from?

"The value of a liberal arts education is that it trains the mind to think" – Albert Einstein

Summary

The best gift you can give your child is the ability to think for him/herself. Make sure you send him/her to a school that does not "kill" that instinct/ability. Don’t let the wrong teachers make your child a thinking pigmy. Don’t let them turn him/her into what Robert Kiyosaki called a "mindless parrot" or robot. Get actively involved in your child’s formal schooling – and education today.

"Education has produced a vast population able to read, but unable to distinguish what is worth reading" – George Macaulay Trevelyan, 1942.

Final Words

By way of interest, the expression "Thinking Pigmy", is not original to me. I came across it in a book by Colin Wilson titled "The Occult" Copyright 1971, Random House Inc. (New York & Canada).

******This post was originally published as an article titled "Don’t Let "Wrong" Teachers Make Your Child A Thinking Pigmy!" was written by Tayo K. Solagbade and first published on www.spontaneousdevelopment.com in 2008 (It was also published for syndication on Ezinearticles.com on Jan 29, 2008). It’s now been relocated to this SD Nuggets blog from it’s original static html page at http://www.spontaneousdevelopment.com/articles/thinking_pigmy.htm (The html page now re-directs visitors to THIS post).

Comments?

What do you think of the above post? Share your thoughts in the comments – or send me an email via tayo at tksola dot com.

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This write-up discusses distinguishing attributes of a "Teacher-Dictator" (aka Traditional "Old School" Style Teacher) – as compared to those of a "Teacher-Educator". I also explain why (among other things) a person involved in teaching in today’s world needs to be challenged, to exhibit more "Teacher-Educator" traits. This latter style empower learners to apply what they learn via formal schooling.to productive purposes in their personal lives and the larger society.

(Published Online: 20th July 2007)

Preamble

I am strongly convinced that every parent needs to emphasize – for their kids – acquisition of knowledge/skills, alongside academic ability. Doing so will enhance the child’s ability to succeed in the real world.

In previous years, traditional educational institutions (mainly geared towards feeding industries with employees), had teachers concentrate on "moulding" learners to meet employers’ requirements. Teaching methods were generally rigid and rote learning was emphasized – with dire consequences for learners who did not have the "stomach" for it.

One notable example which proved the inefficacy of that approach was Albert Einstein. His failure to learn competently via memorization made teachers call him "dull-witted". How ironic – in retrospect – considering that today, the same person is regarded as one of the greatest minds that ever lived!

Incidentally, Einstein himself did have a few things to say about the "Old School" teaching method. Reports have it that once, when asked the question “What is the speed of sound?” by a reporter, Einstein replied: “I don’t know. I don’t carry information in my mind that is readily available in books”.

That answer, in my opinion, effectively makes the case for exploration/use of other learning methods outside rote memorization etc.

Some Of Today’s Teachers Still Use "Old School" Methods

Thankfully, over the years educationists gradually realized that the instincts of learners needed to be allowed to play a more influential/leading role in the learning process. Schools consequently adopted new approaches (like Montessori etc), which allowed children the freedom to explore and learn by discovery, experimentation through play etc. This change in approach has generally resulted in longer lasting and qualitative learning experiences.

However, despite all the progress that has been made, some (presumably) modern day teachers continue to employ obsolete and inefficient teaching methods from the past. In the process, their learners are being short-changed on a daily basis.

The difference between old, traditional methods and the modern approaches being advocated has to do mainly with the style of teaching employed by the teacher. To put it another way, the type of teacher determines the type of teaching/learning situation that is created.

Differentiating Between A "Teacher-Educator" And A "Teacher-Dictator"

In my assessment, the foregoing make it important to identify the characteristics of the two main types of "teachers’" I have referred to. That will guide parents and even teachers to ensure the right teaching behaviour is employed at all times. It will ultimately help to create the right learning situation, thereby producing the desired learning output.

Below, I offer bullet point descriptions of what I consider distinguishing attributes of the "Teacher-Dictator" (or Traditional Old School Style Teacher). Each of those attributes is then compared to those of the modern teacher who I like to call a "Teacher-Educator".

Important: Please note that even though I have used these two broad categories/groupings of teacher "types", in real-life there will be cases of individuals who exhibit traits from both sides of the divide. What is essential is that a person involved in teaching in today’s world be encouraged, to strive to exhibit more "Teacher-Educator" traits. Doing so, has greater potential to empower learners to derive life-long benefits from their formal learning experiences.

Summary

Decision makers in educational institutions – especially those engaged in provision of early education for young children – must ensure their teachers employ the "Teacher-Educator" style as frequently as possible, if not at all times. The benefits (outlined above) accruable to the children, and the school itself (in terms of quality of learning performances the kids deliver ) strongly suggest there is wisdom in doing this.

Parents will also want to regularly discuss "school/class work" with their kids. They could even interact with their kids’ teachers to get a feel for the teaching style favoured by the latter. If necessary, they could then gently request needed modifications in the teacher’s approach. Or they could work with the kids back at home to make up for any shortcomings they identify.

Learning experiences should be made as pleasurable/rewarding as possible for our kids. When they find joy in learning, their desire to continually seek new learning as they grow into adulthood will never diminish. As a result, they will be able to develop their full potential over time to the ultimate benefit of the larger society.

FINAL WORDS: It goes without saying that all I have advocated in this write-up is my personal opinion. You would therefore be well advised to seek the counsel of competent persons in deciding what line of action to pursue. Having said that, let me add that I practise what I have preached above, with my own kids. And I have useful results to show for it.

Summary

Decision makers in educational institutions – especially those engaged in provision of early education for young children – must ensure their teachers employ the "Teacher-Educator" style as frequently as possible, if not at all times. The benefits (outlined above) accruable to the children, and the school itself (in terms of quality of learning performances the kids deliver ) strongly suggest there is wisdom in doing this.

Parents will also want to regularly discuss "school/class work" with their kids. They could even interact with their kids’ teachers to get a feel for the teaching style favoured by the latter. If necessary, they could then gently request needed modifications in the teacher’s approach. Or they could work with the kids back at home to make up for any shortcomings they identify.

Learning experiences should be made as pleasurable/rewarding as possible for our kids. When they find joy in learning, their desire to continually seek new learning as they grow into adulthood will never diminish. As a result, they will be able to develop their full potential over time to the ultimate benefit of the larger society.

FINAL WORDS: It goes without saying that all I have advocated in this write-up is my personal opinion. You would therefore be well advised to seek the counsel of competent persons in deciding what line of action to pursue. Having said that, let me add that I practise what I have preached above, with my own kids. And I have useful results to show for it.

Have you ever wondered why we sometimes have single generation success stories in society? For instance you hear of a person(s) who rose from rags to riches, passing on. But their legacy of wealth subsequently dries up in a few years – despite offspring being in charge. How come the children lack life skills that made their parent(s) successful?

I believe it’s because some parents don’t take time to prepare their kids to take over the management of the wealth they amass.

Does Your Child Know What It Takes You?

It appears that as parents some of us tend to forget that our kids will eventually become adults. And when that happens, we’ll no longer need to do things for them. Instead, they will have to do things by themselves.

Think about it. As a mother for example you may have to work, do housekeeping, go to the bank, take them to/from school, attend meetings, plan finances for the week etc.

Now ask yourself. How many of these "adult" roles you play is your child currently consciously aware of? Does she really understand what you have to do, to keep things running smoothly? Or does she take them for granted. This is a mindset issue here.

Let’s take an example: When you and your husband keep your promise to take them on overseas on a trip to Paris during summer, does s/he appreciate the planning and budgetting that made it possible?

You may have had to defer spending on some other stuff on your own personal wish list(s) for instance, to save up for the trip. Does s/he know truly understand how much self-discipline it would have taken you to practice such delayed gratification?

Would s/he be prepared to act in the same manner should the need to do so arise today?

Question: Why today, and not when she becomes an adult?

My answer: Most skills one needs to function competently in society require practice. The earlier a child starts working on them, the more competent she’s likely to be as adult.

Between Delayed Gratification & Success (An Interesting Research Finding)

A brief elaboration on the benefits derivable from a habit of self-denial is appropriate.

In a study described in Daniel Goleman’s bestselling book on "Emotional Intelligence", it was discovered that kids who demonstrate the ability to practice self-denial (or delayed gratification), frequently do well as adults.

During the survey, two groups of kids were offered a reward on the following terms: “If you want it now, you’ll get a dollar to spend as you wish. If you’re willing to wait till next week, you’ll get two dollars to spend as you wish.”

The researchers who carried out the study then followed the respondents from the starting point in high school right into their later adult years.

Guess what they found? The kids who betrayed a preference for instant gratification mostly ended up struggling as adults later in life.

No surprises there. Quick fixes and shortcuts often hurt in the long term.

Transferring Life Skills Across Generations – One Family’s Example

The above findings are consistent with what happens in real life. Most adults know that being able to practice delayed gratification helps us get more out of life. An example: Saving up for retirement by being frugal, instead of living a high consumption lifestyle.

The ability to employ delayed gratification in pursuit of valued goals is a dimension of Emotional Intelligence, and a key attribute associated with startup business success.

It however takes self-discipline, constant practice, and time to imbibe this powerful habit. Many people want to be wealthy, but lack the discipline to do the little things daily, that are required to build their fortunes, sometimes slowly. If they had been coached as kids, doing it as adults would probably have come more naturally – or at least easier.

Going by biographical accounts, the Rockefeller family has – for years – successfully applied this philosophy to preserve their family’s wealth across generations.

One anecdote tells of how every Rockefeller child gets tasked from about age 3, to save part of any money she gets (e.g. as gift or allowance) in a piggy bank. Then she is tasked to use the remainder to start/run a real life micro-business e.g. rearing rabbits for sale.

Money made is then saved, and ploughed back into the business in the set sharing ratio. Over time, the child is also exposed to learning activities that teach other life skills.

The ultimate objective is always to make the child appreciate the value of money, and develop the competence to “grow” it. In this way, the Rockefellers ensure they have competent hands to manage the family’s wealth, from generation to generation.

It Sounds Straightforward, So Why Don’t More People Do It?

That’s the strange thing about us humans. Simple stuff can sometimes be so difficult for us to unravel

More seriously, it could be that some parents try to pass it on, but their kids would not listen. We know that can – and does – happen…sometimes for unknown reasons.

But then again, the method adopted by the parents could have been ineffective. For instance certain rags to riches parents have been known to make the mistake of over pampering their kids, saying they never want them to lack the way they did while poor.

This over indulgent approach can make a child fail to imbibe useful values from parents e.g. about being willing to work hard to get what you want. Instead, she could develop what I call an entitlement mentality. Such kids typically squander wealth they inherit.

But I personally believe the main reason this problem occurs, is that the parents do not invest enough effort in coaching their kids.So they fail to transfer their survival skills and knowledge (acquired via experience), which formal schooling cannot provide.

Parents who make the above mistake usually give the excuse that they are too busy. That attitude can however produce offspring who display poor competence, or a painful lack of interest in protecting the legacy their parents slaved to build.

You can avoid that unpleasant outcome for your family. While there’s still time, start helping your kids develop life skills to enhance their chances of success as adults.

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I was recently opportune to help my kids overcome certain challenges I (accidentally) discovered they had with Math. This article was inspired by that experience. When was the last time you asked your child about school? Are you sure she’s doing well? Or could she be struggling with some basic concept that now makes learning with her peers less fun?

As adults we sometimes forget how difficult it can be for kids to find people who understand their needs e.g. when they are confused about a subject, or an issue.

Shyness Can Make A Child Suffer Academically – In Silence

No child wants to look stupid before her classmates.

I recall that in school I often avoided asking questions during class, if it appeared that most of my classmates had already grasped a concept I had issues with. That “shyness” eventually contributed to my failing math in the final year exam. It took 3 subsequent months of intensive tutorials in a private training centre to repair my poor foundation in that subject – after which I scored a straight A in the Nov/Dec G.C.E exam.

Without your close monitoring and timely intervention when appropriate, your child could develop a similar “hidden” handicap in one or more subjects. Without help, her grades could slip, with potentially serious implications.

This is why you owe her – and yourself – an obligation to keep abreast of her progress. Do you know her class teacher? Have you met with him/her to gain an impression of his/her personality, and disposition? Do you have his/her phone number, so you can call to confirm or discuss observations or trends you notice? These are things you could do in your child’s interest.

Every parent wants the best for his/her kids. But we should not stop at just “wanting”. We must go out of our way to help them get the best – which will at some point need personal involvement.
 
But quite often, some parents settle for actions that do not require their personal involvement. This is sometimes because they have demanding jobs that keep them busy. And so, if the child complains about problems with class work, they prefer to buy new books, get/change home tutors etc. They will often do anything to avoid having to personally attend to it.

Five (5) Minutes Spent Helping Your Child Learn Can Do Wonders for Her

Making out time to help your child with that academic exercise could enable you pass useful knowledge and insights about the subject to her. .

By investing quality time in coaching her on better ways to tackle subjects you are familiar with, you can literally help her climb to a new level of learning competence. Another useful outcome would be the self-confidence she could develop from learning that way from you.

Everything I say here is based on very recent occurrences with my own kids who I accidentally discovered to lack adequate understanding of some basic math principles. I immediately modified my work schedule, to coach them with practical exercises.

After 2 intensive weeks, a marked improvement has been achieved. I am now able  to task the eldest two, to teach their siblings the different techniques they’ve learnt from me.

There’s also a noticeable increase in enthusiasm they now display towards the subject that was not there before. For instance, yesterday I came home to find their workbooks piled on my table awaiting my attention. In the past, I had to chase them around to get them to finish assignments!

This proves that kids will not dislike any subject, if given a good introduction to it. They just need to be helped to understand it well enough to tackle tests you give them. We adults – parents and teachers – need to keep this in mind at all times.

It’s a human tendency to avoid things that do not give us pleasure. We must therefore help our children know their subjects well enough to find pleasure in studying them

The best way to do that is by coaching our children on the basic principles of any subject. Once they have that down, learning for them will become almost effortless. They would be able to independently derive their own solutions more often than not. And that would be proof that they have truly been educated!

“If you learn only methods you’ll be tied to your methods, but if you learn principles you can devise your own methods” ~Emerson

Below is a screenshot illustration of one of a number of techniques I use to teach kids basic math.

The emphasis is on training the child to find and use the shortest route in solving problems e.g. in objective tests. Time saved by doing so, can then be applied to solving more difficult questions.

I developed my interest in coaching kids on subjects like Math/Physics in 1993, during my year of national service as a secondary school teacher in a remote village in Niger state (which lacked electricity). Many of the SS3 students I had to teach struggled with certain basic principles. So I had to explore multiple alternative ways of presenting the SAME information to them, until they had a firm grasp of the concept.

Final Words: Beyond School, Your Child Could Need Help In Other Ways

Although I have dwelt on school work, your child could – figuratively speaking – be screaming for help in so many other areas of life.

For example, she could be conflicted about whether or not to give in to peer (or boyfriend) pressure to have pre-marital sex. Or she could be on the receiving end of bullying or some other form of abuse.

It could be anything – even sexual abuse
!

YOU need to get so close to your child, and study her so well, that you can reasonably tell if/when something is bothering her.

Make conscious effort to know what’s going on in your child’s life, so you can provide necessary support or corrective influence before things get out of hand.

I’m not trying to preach at anyone here. A lot of my passion for the subject of parenting comes mainly from reflection on what I have gone through as a child – and also from observing other parents, and their children.

Hopefully, you will find something useful to take away from all that I have said above.

Kenya’s 13 year old Richard Turere made the news for inventing – at the age of 11 – a lighting array device to scare Lions from attacking cattle he tended on behalf of his family. The device mimicked the light from a torch held by a human.

Turere’s example is one of two mentioned in Dayo Olopade’s New York Times article titled “Baby and Child Care, the African Way” (African Hands-Off Parenting Breeds Resilience In Kids). The other is about Malawi’s William Kamkwamba, who – at the more tender age of 9 – used “junkyard scrap” to build the windmill powering his family’s farm – earning a feature on Oprah Winfrey’s talk show!

Access to useful knowledge, information and ideas can help a child learn how things are done in countries s/he may never visit. This will make him/her less prone to saying something is impossible simply because it’s never been done in his/her society. At the same time, s/he will be more willing to try developing his/her own solutions.

Do You Nourish Your Child’s Mind?

“Some people read so little they have rickets of the mind. Miss a meal if you have to, but don’t miss a book” – Jim Rohn

Jim Rohn passed on a few years ago. But his words continue to inspire and educate many.

To me, “rickets of the mind” refers to a condition equivalent to the conventional rickets that develops in a person due to his/her  intellectual malnourishment.

Without a willingness to go after new knowledge in as many forms as it is available, a young person or child would over time develop a kind of rickets of the mind.

I suggest 3 ways you can go about giving your child intellectual nourishment:

A.         Actively Engage Them in Conversation

“The mind must be exercised if it is to grow and strengthen. The more you use your mind, the
more it will improve your ability to think” – Jay Anderson

1. When was the last time YOU sat down to have a conversation with (NOT lecture or scold) your kids?

2. How often do you really pay attention to the questions they ask and give carefully thought out answers that help them achieve real understanding?

3. Do you encourage them to try and THINK up their own answers or solutions?

Sometimes it does NOT help to TELL them “the” answer(s).. You may find it helps to give them room to learn by discovery. That breeds independent thinking and creativity. This was the inadvertent outcome for the two child inventors mentioned above – when adverse circumstances forced their parents to hand them early responsibility/freedom.

B.         Build A Real-World Relevant “Library” – And Get Them To Read

Do you buy and read books? What happens to them when you’re done? A bookshelf stocked with useful books can stir your child’s curiosity and interest in reading: especially when s/he sees you pick and read from there every now and then.

Some of the books by Wole Soyinka (e.g. Aké, his childhood memoir) reveal that he received intellectual nourishment from a variety of sources. A challenging school system, and a home rich in learning resources provided by a headmaster father saw to that.

So do Chinua Achebe’s books. Anyone who reads these authors’ works and/or listens to them speak will see that they often hold well balanced views on any issues they choose to comment upon. Even when it’s on a sensitive subject like Nigeria’s civil war – as is evident in excerpts I’ve read from Achebe’s new book (There Was a Country).

“Reading can be a powerful catalyst for thinking; it has the potential for stimulating wisdom.”
– Michael Angier.

Soyinka has written about spending hours locked away in his father’s study, devouring huge volumes of books on virtually any subject. The more he read, the more he wanted. He thus developed an ability to view issues from different perspectives. A valuable skill!

Little wonder that later in life, he chose to take the risk of flying into Biafra as civil war hostilities threatened (5 decades ago), to explore the possibility of brokering peace. He saw beyond tribal lines, because of the quality of his thinking. He also knew the risks. Yet he did it anyway – eventually getting locked up by the Nigerian authorities. (He had activist role models in his parents, as well as his uncle and aunt i.e. Fela Kuti’s parents.)

We need more adults with critical thinking skills like the above mentioned men in society! And YOU can raise a child who will manifest such qualities…

C.  Challenge Them to Think Deeply and Question Everything

Interestingly, Soyinka’s books reveal that he survived his ordeal in prison by doing what he’d done since childhood: reading, thinking and writing – with purpose!

“Reading without thinking gives a disorderly mind, and thinking without reading makes one
unbalanced” – Confucius

Make out time to sit with your kids and discuss the books they read. Not just academic books. Suggest others on literature, history, current affairs, science and technology. Let them know it’s okay to explore subjects outside those they are already familiar with. Quite often, kids not given this guidance miss out on opportunities to discover learning outside the fields they are exposed to in school. That’s not a good thing.

But most importantly, teach them to question what they read. They should understand that authors often present their own views and opinions. Encourage them to do their own thinking and come up with new or even better ways to see the same issues. And see if you can get them to give short talks and write short pieces on their own views.

Important note: I must stress at this point, that by reading, I do NOT refer to studying of religious literature for religious purposes. Society already provides ample opportunity for that to happen through various gatherings organized on a regular basis. I’m concerned instead with a child developing the ability to competently extract useful learning (by reading books) that s/he can put to productive use for himself or society.

Conclusion

Intellectual nourishment is one gift we can give our kids that will boost their ability to achieve relevance to the benefit of society, and recognition for themselves. This works in business or life in general.

It can also give them the capacity to bounce back/recover – as many times as may be necessary – from any setbacks they suffer, to achieve their valued goals.

Here’s a thought to drive this point home: Decades ago, when he was much younger, Wole Soyinka took a series of actions that at a point made academic peers and even relatives refer to him in less than flattering terms. He even lost friends. But it was mostly because they could not see the big picture he saw!

Today, the same Wole Soyinka is a nobel laureate – and he’s written books about the above experiences and more.

With the right kind of intellectual nourishment, you can be sure your child will also end up making YOU proud.

Another great mind had this to say:

“The brain can be developed just the same as the muscles can be developed, if one will only take the pains to train the mind to think…The brain that isn’t used rusts. The brain that is used responds. The brain is exactly like any other part of the body: it can be strengthened by proper exercise, by proper use. Put your arm in a sling and keep it there for a considerable length of time, and when you take it out, you find that you can’t use it. In the same way, the brain that isn’t used suffers atrophy.” – Thomas Edison
(Source: Hill N., Think and Grow Rich, New York, Hawthorn Books, Inc, 1966.)

Comments?

What do you think of the above post? Share your thoughts in the comments – or send me an email via tayo at tksola dot com.

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