When can you truly say that you have succeeded in life? I believe it is when you can point to others around you, that have succeeded as a result, directly or indirectly, of your efforts to empower them to achieve their purposes in life(your personal success is subordinate to this). "Others" here will include YOUR children, if you have any. Look at it this way: If a baby Eagle fails to learn how to hunt successfully in the wild, in order to survive and flourish like its mother, it would die of starvation i.e. FAIL! There is a saying in my homeland(Africa) that "It is not possible for an Elephant to give birth to a Lamb". What this implies is that your offspring for the most part should be a reflection of yourself, especially in their ability to make a success of their time on earth like you have – or possibly better! This article offers parents practical ideas for equipping their kids to successfully relate with peers or older persons, without losing sight of who they are, or what their most important values and priorities are.
(First published online: March 2009
Before entering my teens, my "social competence", especially where it had to do with thinking independently, and handling peer pressure – needed work, but I did not know it. ("Social Competence", is one of a number of skills described by Dr. Daniel Goleman as an aspect of "Emotional Intelligence" – in his similarly titled best selling book) .
At ten, I began leaving home daily, on my own, to attend secondary school quite some distance away(three bus rides, usually lasting an hour or more, to or fro). Within ONE year, I got into trouble by "blindly" following some class mates to do things that I knew were wrong, but which I felt compelled to do, in order to avoid getting rejected, and being called names like "coward, wet blanket, book worm" etc.
Let me share two stories of how being ineffective in handling my relationships made me engage in unbecoming conduct – and eventually got me into trouble. In the first story, I describe bad activities I engaged in, without getting caught. The second story describes an instance in which I (along with others from the first story) did get caught, with serious consequences.
The purpose here is to show you how easily my lack of proficiency in managing my relationships and knowing myself(who I was/wanted to be), lead me – and could lead any child with a similar inadequacy – to get into trouble.
Story One – I Join A "Bad" Group That Bullies, Steals And Cheats
During my first day in secondary school at the age of ten, I discovered that age (and possibly my growth rate then) put me at physical disadvantage compared to most of my new classmates. Virtually all of them were a head or shoulder taller than I was – and some were much older, and quite big! I quickly became a target for the big bullies in the school.
But, as time went on, some of them took a different kind of interest in me because they saw I always got good grades – while they tended not to. So, they would protect me from other bullies in class or school (especially during lunch breaks), and in exchange I would help them with their homework etc. It all started harmlessly enough until they began to demand that I pass them my answer script during the exams so they could copy from it into theirs, before I could submit to the teacher. I was so naive, that I even thought it was fun, and never imagined what would happen if we got caught.
Looking back, I think deep within myself, I enjoyed the feeling of being favoured by these big boys who were feared by most students – even teachers – and I would probably have done anything to retain my priviledged "membership" of their group. At a point, our group become so notorious that we even left the school’s premises every once in a while to eat meals or buy things we never paid for!
For instance, we would go to a local food vendor(called "Mai Shai"), and ask to be served bread with fried eggs and tea for instance, for each person. After eating up, the big boys would ask me to walk away, while they used their sizes and mean looks, to intimidate the poor trader, before suddenly taking to their heels. Stories about these "feats" soon spread – leading to others in the school nicknaming me "Kukuru Danger"(literally translated to mean "small, but dangerous one")! Note that all of what I said here was never at any point noticeable when I was at home with my siblings and parents.
I was always the good boy who did as he was told, and never caused any trouble – at least not at home! Which is why you might want to get a little closer to your child, and try to develop a personal relationship with him/her. This closeness could encourage him/her to open up – more readily – to you in a way that would facilitate timely intervention in anything s/he is doing that could require your help and experience-based coaching.
Story Two – The Group Gets Caught For Cheating In An Exam
During the third term exams, I and my "big" classmates finally got caught: the teacher noticed an unusual similarity in the answers written by all five of us, and reported to the Principal. For about two weeks, we faced a panel of investigation individually, at least twice per person. To show you how "unaware" of the implications of my actions I was, I never once in those two weeks of facing the panel said anything about it to my parents, right until the last day of school when my mom drove down to pick me up, and also get my report card.
I’ll never forget the look of horror on her face that afternoon, when she saw that despite scoring nearly all A’s in the promotional exams, the Principal’s handwritten comments, instead of being congratulatory, were: "To repeat for cheating during the exams"! (The panel had confirmed that I had given out my script to my classmates to copy, and even though agreeing that I had not copied from anyone, held me equally guilty of cheating, like the others – and rightly so).
If my mom was upset, I struggle to think of a word that best describes how my dad reacted when he learnt what had happened. To cut the long story short, my parents decided to withdraw me from that school and sent me to boarding school in another city, over six(6) hours away from home, where I started my secondary education all over again. That sobering experience has lived with me till this day, as has another that occurred later(Oh yes, there was "another" – Kids never seem to learn it all at once!). Those experiences, however paid huge dividends, in the sense that my memories of them helped me successfully overcome so many temptations that could have gotten me into spectacular trouble later on in my adult personal/work life.
Having said the foregoing, I will re-iterate that not everyone will be lucky to walk away, "in one piece", after engaging in childhood truancy or other bad behaviour. Which is why coaching your child to learn how to handle him/herself in relation to peers, and older persons, is a crucial necessity for you as a parent. Every time I see each of my kids, I cannot help recalling the mistakes I made while growing up, and how I was so blind to their possibility or the severity of their consequences, before I made them. This memory makes me stay resolved towards preparing my kids to do a better job of making mistakes, than I did as a child.
But They Will Make Their Own Mistakes Too
No doubt about that. In fact, it is important that they make THEIR OWN mistakes, because mistake making is itself an essential requirement for a person’s balanced development. And just as it is important to help your child avoid making those you can anticipate(based on YOUR past experiences), how you react to the mistakes s/he does make, is even more important.
Don’t make too much of a big deal about it when(not IF) it happens. Express your displeasure, but avoid making absolute statements like "You’ll never amount to anything", or recalling every mistake s/he’s made in the past at the slightest prompting. Failure to heed this warning can have a powerfully devastating effect on the frail mind of a young child, which could result in long lasting damage to his/her self-esteem. Most Important Reason To Take Heed Of This Warning: You could, literally speaking, drive him/her away from you, at a time when s/he is most needful of your forgiveness, and understanding. S/he could as a result stop confiding in you, and eventually get into even bigger trouble!
Everything I have said here, including the advice I offer, is based on my very personal experiences, and observations of real-life experiences of others, some close to enough to be called "family".
So, How Confident Are YOU Of Your Child’s Ability To Stand Up To Peer Pressure?
This is an important question because:
(a). You will NOT always be there to stop him/her from being exposed to negative influences.
(b). You cannot hide him/her away at home for ever.
That leaves you only one option: teach him/her HOW to manage relationships effectively such that peers or friends know his/her position on relevant issues and respect it.
But maybe I should start by asking if YOU know how to say NO yourself? Many adults will recall some point in their past lives when because they felt the need to NOT appear "un cool", they consented to doing wrong things – ending up feeling miserable(I hope!) for days or weeks afterwards.
The inability to say "NO" and stick to it when people try to get us to do what we feel conflicts with our values, can often get one into trouble. When some people know that you do not know how to(or cannot) say NO to them, they can play on that weakness to take advantage of you. If you fail to deal with this inadequacy in your personality, your kids are likely to pick it up – and become "weaklings" for others to prey on at school or in life.
Incidentally, you can even say NO without actually saying it – i.e through your actions. For instance, when "they" invite you to "join them", you could say "I’ll catch up with you later!", knowing you have no intention of doing any such thing. When next you do see them, you can offer a well thought out excuse for missing it. Soon enough, they’ll stop asking you.
Signs That Suggest You Have Not Taught Your Child How To Say NO
If you always feel you need to be around to stop your child from being influenced to do the wrong things(e.g. you find it difficult to let him/her go far away from you with peers).
If you are never confident that your child has enough powers of discernment to KNOW when s/he should not do a particular thing, then you need to be VERY worried: YOU HAVE NOT EMPOWERED your child to function as an independent-minded person.
Kids are impressionable – that’s true. But they can be successfully taught to be more discriminating in their choice of friends, or role models/heroes in a manner that is consistent with acceptable values.
The Role YOU Need To Play As A Parent
"Think for yourselves and let others enjoy the privilege to do so, too." – Voltaire
I honestly believe that the best gift any parent can give a child is to teach her how to think for herself, and say NO, when it becomes necessary to do so, in order to ensure she achieves her desired goals consistently, and with integrity.
I know this because I had to acquire those abilities the hard way as I grew up. NEVER assume your child is familiar with, or already competent to handle any potentially unsettling life problem or situation, until you have sufficiently interacted with him/her to assure yourself of that fact.
Also, DO NOT EVER consider it too much work to make out quality time to deliberately but tactfully coach him or her, to handle possible dilemmas you know from experience s/he may be confronted with at times when s/he may not have ready access to you. Create the opportunities to do this yourself, if they do not appear often enough. (I call doing this Spontaneous Coaching for Self-Development™).
If you do not do the above, you might just regret it. In my case I was able to walk away in the instances earlier mentioned, with an opportunity to start over(for which I remain eternally grateful to my parents and teachers). Not every one will be lucky to have a second chance(s). Which is why you might want to use the ideas I offer below, to give your child the best possible stab at success.
What Does It Take To Say NO – And Think Independently?
1. Real-World Relevant Intelligence: Robert Kiyosaki shared his Rich Dad’s definition of intelligence as "The ability to make finer distinctions". I believe that definition has universal relevance. To be able to say NO when necessary, one must develop the ability to "look" beyond the obvious in order to extract accurate interpretations, and deduce appropriate implications.
As I like to tell people "Sometimes the obvious thing is NOT necessarily the correct or most important thing". One way to understand this is to imagine you are a police detective assigned to a murder investigation. You wouldn’t accept all "evidence" on face value, and risk putting the wrong person in jail for a crime s/he did not commit – would you? Same applies here. Help your child to develop real-world relevant intelligence by teaching him/her to ALWAYS look at issues with an open mind, from a multi-dimensional perspective. She will learn more that way, and increase her chances of success.
2. Healthy Self-Esteem Level: A strong knowledge and sense of self. As a nine year old, Bill Gates reportedly knew himself well enough to pronounce to a family friend that "I can do anything I set my mind to". A child who thinks this way is not likely to want to impress others(or avoid being mocked), by joining them to do something s/he does not want to do. Encourage your child to think this way.
3. Strong Values, Vision, and Purpose: Knowing that what’s "popular" may NOT be "good". And that "consensus" does NOT equal "truth". Plus, being aware of what one’s important goals are, will help a person decide when to say NO. Let your child KNOW this truth: If everyone is saying it’s okay to do something you know deep inside your heart is not, you MUST follow your heart, not them.
4. Deliberate Exposure/Education: A little openness in answering questions about those curiosity-arousing issues(e.g. Sex, Drugs etc) will likely demystify them, and reduce his/her chances of seeking answers elsewhere(without your knowledge!). Cover it up in secrecy, and the child’s curiosity intensifies, making her more willing to join others in "exploring" it when you’re not there. Don’t shush your child up when s/he gets curious about sensitive subjects.
5. Knowing That Age Has Nothing To Do With It: Older persons do not always do things in the interest of younger persons. Adults know this. Yet cultural norms sometimes cause us to set our children up(by asking them to show respect and be obedient) to be exploited by irresponsible adults. Teach your child what s/he can say NO to(and when/how), even if an adult is the one making a request of him/her. It could just save his/her life some day.
I strive daily to teach my kids how to think for themselves, and say NO(when necessary). It’s the MOST important form of education I believe I can give them. What about you?
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